Servatis a periculum, servatis a maleficum.

Must flood the emo posts below out.

2012-01-10T02:04:00.002+08:00

God, till this day I'm reminded of the people who have died in December.

Everyday, I think about him. Every single day. How strange, because before, he was a stranger to my thoughts before he was diagnosed. My thoughts are just being haunted. I just wish I got to know him better. And I wish I got to tell her that she reminded me of my late grandma. But deep down, I know that they are reading this somehow.

It doesn't take all my strength not to dig up the people from the ground in which they lay... but it definitely takes all my strength to stop feeling sad because I can't let it affect me so strongly. It's taken me this long to even say the words, "dead" or "died". It's just so final to say that. I suppose everything you go through gives you experience. It doesn't matter what, as long as you grow past it, it's one more thing you can draw on and learn from.

I guess what I've learnt from this is I'm stronger now. I'm not a complete emotional wreck after all, since I felt normally. I felt sad, but I felt better after some time. I can go through sad things now without letting them affect me badly. I know I'm stronger now because I can deal with my emotions.

I'm... happy. I'm finally happy. I can smile again without second guessing if I'm actually feeling happy.

Thank You Lord, for answering my prayers. I still remember to this day how I felt at the beginning of Form 5 when I felt just slightly depressed and I feared I would slip back to my own ways. I looked at the sky, and asked You with little faith in myself, "Would I go back to my old ways?" and I saw the grey, gloomy clouds scatter to reveal the sun. It was You! You were trying to say, "No. You won't because you have me this time."

You too, have answered questions if Mass Comm. was the right path for me after I wrote the poem.

To life. To death. To faith. To God. To emotions.
Cheers.
- Fire ninja out.

In The Mourning

2011-12-13T16:17:00.010+08:00

In The Mourning - Paramore

I found the acoustic, draft version Paramore posted on YouTube a few months ago. I thought it was good, especially since it's one of the first few songs created without either of the Farro brothers. I think Hayley sang this better than she did The Only Exception.

I didn't examine the lyrics until yesterday. It's very meaningful, see it for yourselves. It's self-explanatory.

You escape like a runaway train,
off the tracks and down again.
My hearts beating like a steam boat tugging all your burdens
on my shoulders.

In the mourning, I'll rise
In the mourning, I'll let you die
In the mourning, all my worries

Now there's nothing but time that's wasted
and words that have no backbone.
And now it seems like the whole world's waiting
Can you hear the echoes fading?

In the mourning, I'll rise
In the mourning, I'll let you die
In the mourning, all my sorry's

It takes all my strength not to dig you up
From the ground in which you lay
The biggest part of me
You were the greatest thing,
And now you are just a memory
to let go of.

In the mourning, I'll rise
In the mourning, I'll let you die
In the mourning, all my sorry's.

I found out of the news at Melissa's birthday party, which was both fortunate and unfortunate. I'm slightly amused at this now, but I wish I didn't cry like I did at the dinner table, at a celebration. But I'm glad I had two great friends, Melissa and Charlene, by my sides to help me through such a difficult time. Not forgetting Melissa's friends too, who were all really nice and some of them tried to make me feel better. It mostly did work, except I remember I ate most of my dinner with tears in my eyes that never seemed to dry up.

When I got home I couldn't sleep for a few hours although I reached home quite late. But at least I called a friend about something else, and babbled nonsense which brought me back to earth. That detached me from how I felt temporarily, but I still couldn't stop crying until I spoke to Sharlyn who simply told me to pray. So I did, I prayed for strength, for his widow, and everyone and everything else.

Then, words that I have been telling myself all night seemed to form itself into a calming poem. After I wrote it, I fell asleep.

(removed)

I sent it to my mother the next afternoon, which was yesterday, when she asked if I wanted to go to the wake. I thought it was too soon, so I didn't go. But she thought it was touching and she wanted me to read it at the eulogy tonight. I'm definitely going tonight, but I'm unsure if I want to read it.

I didn't think for a second that writing would be powerful enough to help me through this much.

Goodnite - Evanescence
- Fire ninja out.

I apologise to the mankind of society

2011-12-06T21:01:00.004+08:00

that I am writing this.

I'm Ivona Krye and I really do want to cry. (stolenjokewin)

I just need to whine about exams to get it out of my system.

IT SUCKED. Okay? It sucked.

Subjects I consistently score well in were RIDICULOUSLY hard this time. WHAT THE HELL, ECONOMICS? Accounts I understand cause it's LCCI, but WHAT THE HELL ECONOMICS.

No, I don't know what ways a failing business could be saved according to Ekonomi Asas; I don't know why Encik Aliff or Mohan or Amar or Bala or Chan should quit his law firm; I don't have six reasons in Economics to support my answer, because THERE IS NONE in economics. I know the syllabus front and back. THERE'S NONE. Nothing says, "Be your own boss! Cause it rocks and you get to boss minions around."

NOTHING.

Bloody paper. I've answered most state's Kes Kajian by now, and nothing came close to this paper.

And Accounts! GOSH. What the hell, everything that we've studied for the past year didn't come out. The whole chapter of Yuran didn't come out at all. It's even one of the longest accounts to complete and they just skipped the whole bloody thing.

Then they decided, "Hey! I think students taking Accounts aren't having it difficult enough. LET'S RUIN THEIR LIVES," and then dropped shit on us when they came up with the akaun kawalan question which nobody in the history of Form 5 could answer without sweating. I've answered what my teacher called LCCI-standard questions and those were tough! THIS WAS TWO TIMES HARDER. Literally. It had twice the amount of details for both accounts.

Damn stupid papers. FML, I've really worked hard for Accounts, being dumb as I am, it took me forever to understand it, much less answer it to perfection... which I didn't, when it mattered. IN THE EXAM.

It's okay if I wasn't prepared for it, because then how I've done so far would be a relief, not a frustration. However I've consistently scored well for Econs and worked hard for Accounts and I actually got somewhere despite my failures. I understand its principles! It would be unfair - Would that not be caused by me, regardless? -.- - if I didn't do well. It sucks how I did in the papers, or at least, how I think I did in the papers.

I don't wish that the graph would magically drop for me, because that would be terribly unfair. But I just wish that the papers were NORMAL and not unpredictable which government set papers have a history of being. Science PMR, 2009? Yeah. Easy paper, but shit-ass questions. Need I say more what kind of results transpired. Actually, I don't need to go that far back to give an example. Look at the Science 1511 paper. That was so unpredictable. And Mod. Maths Paper 1, Malay Paper 1? Ugh.

I hate examinations.
- Fire ninja out.

Oh, the joy of being ambidextrous.

2011-11-26T20:14:00.003+08:00

A normal person, 80% of which are right-handed, favours their dominant side to complete daily tasks. For the 8 out of ten people, this will be their right side. Meaning, they favour their right hand to complete all tasks, their right foot to take the first step, the right ear to listen, the right eye to see, and they tend to be more right brained than they are left. Stereotypically, this means they are more creative than they are logical.

It also means that they favour their right sides completely, but it does not necessarily mean that they are completely lacking on their other half. In other words, they use their right half heavily over the left, but it is only a preference, it is not absolute. Humans are created symmetrically, after all.

A right-handed person, if given the task to say, pour a cup of water, they will use their right hand, four out of four times. The same goes for the fall test, in which they lean forward until either foot stops them from falling. Their right leg should stop them. Which eye they bring things to examine closely, which ear they lean towards you if they can't hear you, and as for the brain, which way the sodding ballerina spins.

This is a normal person who favours one side for everything.

Ambidextrous people are those who are either equally competent with both sides of their body (which is unlikely) or a cross-dominant person.

I didn't figure that I was cross-dominant until a few years back, but I have always known that I'm left-eye dominant and right-hand dominant. (Obviously! It's the hand I write with!)

I'm not fully ambidextrous, meaning I could do tasks equally well with either hand, foot, eye, ear or brain, but I do favour my left to my right for a lot of things I do, and at times, find that it's awkward to use my dominant hand to do certain things.

As an example, it seems strange, but I discovered that I bowl more naturally with my left hand but I don't have the strength or control to do so. I'm left foot dominant, so it feels odd bowling with my right because when I take the first few steps towards the lane, every movement seems mirrored to me. This is my thought process when bowling: "Should I move my right leg first? Or am I supposed to move my left? When do I swing back? The third step? Okay. No, that's wrong. Oh no, that's right."

In softball, I also catch horribly with my left hand because it doesn't make sense in my brain to reach with my left. My left hand tends to not stray far from my body. This could be an excuse or actual fact, but it will always remain that I completely and utterly suck at that game. Baha.

Well, softball seems awkward because when I'm ready to catch, I should naturally see with my left eye, have my left foot out and my right hand out to catch. But playing right-handed, I catch with my left, so my left hand is out. I have to reverse my stance and put my right foot out. As such, I usually have to think before doing anything. I haven't tried playing left-handed, I'll just have to do that and see what difference it makes.

I'm also left-eye dominant, which means that I favour my left eye to see. In normal peripheral vision, this doesn't make a difference, but if/when I took up shooting (<3! I wish!) or archery, this poses a lot of problems. I have shot a real bow before, and I found it utterly useless and impossible aiming with my right eye.

Ear dominance hasn't seemed to affect me yet. Again, emphasising that it's merely a preference and it isn't absolute, brain dominance definitely confuses me. A typical right-brained trait, I'm highly intuitive. But at best, my intuition rules me until I act otherwise to logic. The left brain controls language and logic, and I seem to have a real aptitude for that. At the same time, it's Wonderland inside my brain every day and I often ask questions nobody seems to know the answers to, creativity being a typical right-brain dominant's trait.

Of course, it's not necessarily true that a right-brained person only has creativity and intuition, but not language. It's simply a preference and aptitude, but it's not absolute. We all possess everything, hence why we have two hemispheres in our brain in the first place. It is just slightly out of the ordinary that I have preference in traits belonging to both hemispheres of my brain.

I have a feeling that I am more right-brain dominant despite my seemingly equal preference in both brains, but I won't claim to be creative in thinking or emotionally-driven. I think I am right-brained merely because my life completely lacks structure and I'll crumble if thrust into an OCD's life.

Regardless, it is confusing when your bio-mechanics disagrees with itself and half of your brain contradicts the other. I'm surprised I can even walk without tripping. Oh wait a second, I was really clumsy as a kid. I dropped every darn thing I was handed.

Anyway, I just thought this was really interesting. I came across an article that promoted martial arts as a training tool to bring together both sides of your body to coordinate cross-dominance. It's also interesting that I didn't read any mentions of swimming. How I miss swimming! I will be doing a lot of that during the holidays if I'm not too busy. I miss it, I love it, and it's going to make my back better... and it's my only means of exercise. Teehee.

Maybe when I get better I could do martial arts. It seems interesting, and I could probably use my right-brain to imagine how cool it would be for me to take down a 300 pound guy to boot. I'm looking into Krav Maga, which if I remember correctly, is developed in Israel for soldiers. There are schools around here for it now, and it's not as physically demanding as some other martial arts. I'm not sure if I'll ever be okay enough to do something like that, I cringe in pain just thinking about what pain running would even invite. But at least when I think about it this way, I have a goal to reach and work for.

So, left foot dominant, left eye dominant, left ear dominant, right hand dominant, and right brain dominant? Dear God, help me! I kid, I kid, but it's a real mess being stuck in my head and trapped in my body.
- Fire ninja out.

Persecuted

2011-11-21T16:38:00.005+08:00

Shawna/Nanalew's Open Letter to Egypt.

Before this video showed up on my sub box, I've already heard of Pastor Yousef and his possible death sentence. I heard about it on International Christian Concern (ICC) on Facebook. They share similar stories so that everyone, Christian or non-Christian could pray for them.

That was a while ago. I had forgotten about his possible persecution a month or less later. I prayed for help for Finals, naturally I felt gut awful when I saw this video and remembered that I forgot, although I remembered everything else.

I know it's only human nature to be self-centred, but it felt extremely selfish that I remembered of my exam and yet not a possible death. I'm starting to think I'm losing my mind, feeling horribly guilty about this. But I do.

Is this what we are? We make ourselves more important than people dying? Am I not a hypocrite? As I have often criticised those who knew more of their star's and favourite artistes' latest gossip than they did of current affairs, of millions dying of hunger somewhere on Earth, of people drowning to death by the hour.

I think I seem harsh on myself for no real reason but when I examine the details, with guilt somewhere in my heart, sadness and despair elsewhere; it seems well-deserved. I guess it's easier being angry at myself than to feel their despair.

I mean, how could I possibly continue to pray or ask for anything else less significant when death stares me in the face every which way I turn?

I cried watching this video. It is so sad knowing that we really can't do much except sit and pray... and wait. Have faith. And Pastor Yousef is only one of a lot of other Christians who have been, are currently, or may be caught for persecution. Two thousands years on and a lot still have not changed. It is sad knowing that they're desperate for help when all we can think about is ourselves.

Is it wrong that we often put ourselves first? I know the answer is no. Yet somehow this doesn't begin to calm any of my turbulent thoughts.

It really is easier being mad at myself than to even try to empathise.
- Fire ninja out.

fallen through the ending

2011-11-11T13:13:00.008+08:00

That's it. School's over. Honestly, as much as I hate high school and everything in it, and as much as I hate myself for not being able to love school like the next preppy idiot, I'm actually lost without school.

I'm not really sad about leaving school, I'm just sad that the people in it are leaving me. Honestly, I'll never see anyone from school ever again.

Back on point, I wouldn't be returning to school everyday next year like a lost child, the pun being, I'm "lost without school", but it's just that life would never ever be the same again.

My year used to be (except Form 5): Start school in January, wait for Chinese New Year holiday in February, look forward to Sports Day training in March, wait for Sports Day in April, drag through May, wait for June holiday and do nothing then, do absolutely nothing in July, attempt studying the whole year's syllabus in August, fail miserably and just give up in September, prepare for Finals in October, Finals one week in November which always falls on my birthday, then holidays in December.

I'll just never have that ever again, and I didn't realise that earlier this year. I don't think it would have changed my perspective on anything, but maybe I would have thought of holidays a bit differently and laughed at how I spent the past 5, maybe 11 years the exact same way. Doesn't matter though, I'm laughing now.

As for high school, 5 years is a long time. I remember when I was in Form 1, I couldn't imagine how long it would be until Form 5. Then, it felt like 5 years was a long time. I couldn't imagine what I would be in 5 years, nor could I imagine being 17. That was Form 1.

I've changed. I'm a lot milder now. I didn't expect myself to have become... a better person. I didn't expect myself to stop thinking I have something to prove to the whole world. Maybe in this way I have gained true, meek confidence. I didn't expect myself to be a wallflower, but then if I wasn't, I would never get to see all the beautiful things.

I think I have found "Me". "Me" is not in the false and bold confidence I used to have. "Me" has always been within me. It used to be an act, when I acted like I had everything I wished I had. Confidence, being outspoken, being liked.

But I've always had what I wanted to have. I didn't have to act. I just never saw what I had because I wanted more for the wrong reasons. I guess they hid themselves from me for good.

It was just always an act, it was never real. The façade has now faded away. Now it is real, for me to keep. And I'll never let it go.

There is this crochet picture that hangs in my room. It is of a boy wearing funky clothes, beating on a drum on a countryside with a cute little dog. It says under the picture, "It's such a blessing to be free, to be the things you want to be."

Its meaning has never been clearer to me.

From high school, I have learnt that I am everything I want to be. I just had to believe in that. It won't always be presented to me in the way I expect it, but it will always be there for me as long as I believe.

That line is from a scripture that I read a few years ago. I don't even remember what verse or what the actual line is. I used to think that Bible scriptures were irrelevant, how wrong am I now?

I prayed asking for an answer and I've finally found it. I didn't need someone to speak to me in my dreams, I just needed to have faith, and the answer came to me.

So. End of high school. Now that it's all over it doesn't actually feel much different being 17 and 13. I started high school with eyes wide open, taking in so many different things. And now I'll be leaving the same school with no more than the advice, "use your English" and everything else I've learnt there as a guide for the beginning of the rest of my life.

It's like Form 1 all over again, except this time I have advice and a God to guide me.
Proverbs 3:5-6

High school has taught me so much and made me see things so differently, that it is a change for the lifetime. It will never stop teaching me. It will never stop teaching us. It may have ended now, but it has opened so much to us.

It is the end, but somehow my life has fallen through the ending.

Cheers, to high school.
- Fire ninja out.

Halloween

2011-10-30T20:06:00.005+08:00

After tuition I saw a bunch of guys at the mall handing out candies in Halloween costumes, most likely advertising something. It was so confusing and I wanted to tell them they got their dates wrong as a joke but they were quite a distance away.

I went to church today after not going for I-don't-know-how-many-weeks, I presume the week right after I bawled in front of everyone and I was too... oh, how do I put it, embarrassed to face them? I think that sounds about right. I listened to the sermon and tried to understand it but I seemingly got lost halfway, so I resorted to reading the slide. Actually it was more like squinting, I couldn't really read a damn thing. (I really need to remember to pack my glasses!)

The sermon was about applying what we learn from sermons to our everyday lives. Paraphrasing heavily here, I recall pandering to our earthly wants as (something) to the flesh, instead of (something) to the spirit. What was the word??? I swear I remembered it because it was echoing in my head, chiding me. No, chiding is too mild a verb, I'd say reprimanding. I was really not prepared to hear a sermon like that (not the applying what we learn part, more the pandering is something to the flesh part) because from where I stand as of writing this, I understand faith in God, but I'm also not fully acquainted with God yet. It's just not the best time to hear that I'm thoroughly rotten for sinning, but God loves me regardless.

I sat a whole hour straight studying History with the other church youths taking SPM, which is unprecedented except for when I crammed for Trials. Now I'm officially halfway through Form 4, which is all I'm answering for SPM. Obviously I also have to study all selected topics of the F5 syllabus, but I'm definitely placing priority on Form 4. Sounds like a good strategy? I hope so.

Speaking of religion though, I really hope that everyone would understand that the reputation of a religion is tainted not by the presence of God (with some exceptions, reserved for lost teachings whose idea of God is whack) but by its people who abuse their religion. They do evil things in the name of their religion because "their God said so". With all religions that includes texts, everything is up to our interpretation and that is very dangerous as we witness a lot of holy scriptures taken out of context, and in some cases, altered. That's done by the works of man, not God.

Also, I realise that even the NIV Bible is a close approximation to its original text. I wonder how many things have been lost in translation? I don't doubt its authenticity, I just doubt that every word and syllable that is supposed to be in our Bible has ended up in every copy. That could be attributed to not having an equivalent word in English (when translated), different sentence structures, basically differences in different languages, and also by human error and interpretation.

In the book of Isaiah in the Christian Bible, when compared to the same book of the Jewish Bible, there seems to be slight differences. I thought that was rather interesting. I just wonder, if it's the same book, how could there be any differences at all?

Am I wrong in questioning this part of my faith, or am I supposed to just accept my religion with all its man-made flaws?
- Fire ninja out.

College

2011-10-19T23:16:00.003+08:00

So stressed out about SPM and college when someone lifted the false conception I was fed about what results I needed to get into the school I wanted.

You'll never get it. Super long story and I'm not sure how many rules of confidentiality I'd be burning if I did decide to share it.

So bring on the lighter fluid. I can't talk about college without receiving unnecessary freak-outs which I find very, very stupid and annoying. For a 17 year-old to say, I suddenly feel like the older one here. It's such an important matter and all I hear in reply is, "You shouldn't talk about this now," as if I had raised the issue of an estranged alcoholic parent. In rehab. All alone.

I just think it's too important to ignore simply because of personal reasons.

I guess I'll be doing this myself, just like the last few dozen other times. You know, without the idiots around me thinking of themselves.

I need reliable, normal and boring right now. Not crazy selfish people who think about themselves. Oh wait, did I mention selfish? As in, people who only consider themselves? Like self-centred and have priorities way out of whack?

I just realised that maybe I talk like this because it looks like it's right out of a script. Speak more this way, and then maybe it would rewrite itself further down the script.

Or maybe TV-talk is more comforting than reality.

Now to flip through dozens of scholarships for one I actually qualify for. With my mediocre results I think that'd be only a grand total of two. Well actually it's not terrible, but considering how my future rides on my results, the appropriate response to them should be, "OhGodohGodohGod, I'm gonna die!" I think my only hope left is applying early with my forecast results.

Stupid History. I pour more hours into it compared to other subjects and my results still suck like this. Don't even mention Eng. Lit.! This is the worst... Sucks! What were my Trial results again? Barely one A+ from an expected three (English, Science, Econs). 70 even for Accounts which totally sucks because it should've been an 80, STUPID B+ FOR MALAY! It seems like all the papers I work hard for ended up sucky anyway. Although I'd have to concur with the advice my teacher gave me, it would be worse if I didn't work hard for it.

I can't remember all my results exactly, but I assume I had 1A+, 2A, 2A-, 1B, 3C. Did you know scholarships don't GAF about A minuses? Yeah. I've got my bright future all lined up for me.

At least I know what to do about it. I guess. I've established a great studying routine for History. Study one full day and burn out for the next two. Forget what I studied and then repeat. Wash lather repeat. (Who the hell washes their hair twice in a row?)

So... everyone witness me trying to get scholarships with 3As! When they ask me what my best academic achievement is, I could only say I didn't fail History.
- Fire ninja out.

Perseverance!

2011-10-08T20:05:00.002+08:00

I did it! It's been almost a month I've been keeping to cutting high glycemics. That's cutting out fast-releasing starches and glucose from my diet like rice. Seems easy? Given the amount of food I consume daily, it is almost impossible to adhere to this diet because my diet's usually not in my control, so I have been cooking for myself lately.

Again, I can't not eat, ever. Never. I simply substituted rice for pasta, cut down the amount of carbohydrates I ate by eating lots of vegs. For lunch and dinner I often had a big bowl of salad with very little dressing, a small bowl of wheat pasta, - by small, it really is small for me. :( Like half the amount of rice I used to take - sauteed mixed vegs and if I could, lean meats, fish or chicken and if I can't, an egg. I also had to cut red meats and caffeine... almost entirely. Well, I do allow myself one thick mug of English Breakfast if I've been really, really good for the past few days.

It helps that I never had a sweet tooth, I don't normally take ice cream or chocolates so I don't have a problem cutting those out.

The reason for my diet change is largely because my bulging discs may or may not be causing arthritis. The arthritis can't be confirmed or denied. The last time I saw my ortho, he says that my hip and knee pains can be explained by several other problems, but I do not show any signs of them. Since he diagnosed DDD on the same day, he says it does fit the bill, explains my symptomless pains but it's something that can't be confirmed.

I guess at 17, it's ridiculous and almost too unlikely to be suffering from this. But often, people do develop arthritis to various reasons and sometimes at a young age. I had a schoolmate who had arthritis at 11 or 12. Since bulging discs are also known as Degenerative Disc Disease, it kinda makes sense why I'm so "old" anyway. My spine looks like it belongs to a 30 year-old, my ortho said.

So, arthritis could be affected (not caused) by diet, foods that do not burn 'cleanly' like red meats could cause unexplainable pains especially when the weather is cold. This is why arthritis happens to cause pain when there's a sudden drop in temperature.

I've also doubled my intake of water and substituted my insatiable love of tea with decaffeinated green tea which also detoxes. (What bullshit. I mean the detox part.)

In the past 3 weeks, I wasn't sure if making such a drastic change in my diet was paying off. The change isn't immediate, and even today I can't say it's some miracle cure-all. The thing that made me go, "That's it!" was really when the stormy season started and it was raining heavily all day. The pains were not as bad as when I was swimming at 14, but it was still annoying enough. It didn't make me stop walking and double over in pain like it used to, but it's still bad enough to turn my normally-brisk walk into a slow dawdle.

In short, it wasn't terrible, but worse, it was persistent. I Googled arthritis and found out diet largely affects it. I wasn't sure if I could trust Google advice since I'm rarely a Google doctor. I was desperate enough to take Dr. Google's advice though.

If anyone with arthritis happens to read this, especially if you're at a young age - 17 years-old or younger - I can tell you to just try it and that's about all I can tell you. I feel a lot better in general, one immediate change is that I'm not as tired in the morning. The double intake of water was what made me feel a lot better immediately. FYI don't listen to what people tell you, it is not 8 cups (2 litres) of water a day, it is 2 litres of fluids a day. I knew this when I was young enough and I always chortle in the face of people who tell me to drink only water. Simply compensate for high sodium, sugar and caffeine intake by drinking more water.

The pain is not gone entirely. I stretch every night (and some mornings) because of the bulging discs, and I can still feel the same pains when I do. But that terrible, sharp pain in my hip when I walk, or stand after sitting down for a long while, is gone. And my knee pains during cold weather feels like a dull muscle ache now. I still occasionally have that tiny migrating pain in the body, but that's mostly a joke compared to what I used to have to suffer.

I also do not do any exercise at all, it's been months since I last exercised so it's definitely the best odds for my condition. Though, the pain did come a month ago despite my not exercising. I'm not sure if it's always been arthritis that has been misdiagnosed all along, but if it was arthritis when I was 14, then in my experience rest has been the best cure. I say this because I think my pains came back (all at once, ugh. Like period.) after I played softball earlier this year. (It was gone entirely when I rested for the whole of F4. Absolutely no exercise at all and true enough, I had no pains.)

Now that I'm used to this diet and I'm feeling much better from it, I think I'll continue with it and see what comes out of it. My mum thinks I should be losing weight, but I'm ironically putting on weight, so haha! I found that funny.

I'm not sure if I'll be in a good enough shape to resume swimming after SPM. I need to be fit enough to handle butterfly, not to mention building stamina and rebuilding muscles.

But I'm much happier now, eating much more healthily. I feel great and better by the day.

I think that's all that matters.
- Fire ninja out.

the search for Me

2011-09-10T13:30:00.000+08:00

Nobody knows you better than yourself. And no, these are not just words used when guilting people into confessing to things. When something is on your mind, you're the only person who could fix it. Listening to what people have to say doesn't fix anything, it's your changed perspective on things that does. It is what you learn from them that helps you find out about things. Maybe it's about someone else, maybe it's about something mundane, or maybe, like me, it's about yourself.

Believe me when I say that it can only be you who could truly understand yourself.

From what I can remember, when I was in Form 3, I was a whole lot different. I had myself figured out. I knew exactly who I was. Self-righteousness was all that mattered, and not even in a self-centred manner, I wasn't actually enough of a ruckus to cause much harm. Maybe I was a little passive aggressive but I don't think I've ever acted on what I say I'd do to someone who would hurt me. I actually thought what I had to offer meant something to others. I thought having something to always say made me smart. Negative views of me were irrelevant. Everything wouldn't touch me unless I let it. That was how it was.

And from what I can remember, I have always surrounded myself around friends since young. I wasn't once quiet. Or maybe it was more accurate to say that my friends were always around me. Every year during Open Day the form teachers have the same old - she's too chatty. Which is a really curious thing, because you'd think such traits would last through childhood. Well no, it didn't.

A lot of all that stayed until today, but I'm just not so sure about who I was any more, after I've changed over the course of Form 4 and now.

I honestly don't know what changed me so much, but it did and I let it. I never knew it was coming. Nor did I see it coming. Things have definitely happened between the "normal" pre-Form 3 me and the "now" me. Nothing huge, but it doesn't add up to me why it led to what it had become. Between the time, I've had and lost 3 best friends because they either walked away like they didn't know me at all or I've pushed them away because I didn't have the pride to bow my head. I also got robbed of the very one choice I wanted to make for myself. I felt alone because I wouldn't fit in with my new classmates and I had no one I could really talk to. It was my first time without friends and family.

It was my first time without a close friend sitting next to me in class. Maybe it was my friend who walked out of my life that made me change. Maybe she was the last shred of my personality from childhood I couldn't live without.

So I had, for some reason, caved. Caved not to the circumstances, but to the dumb thought that I couldn't do anything alone. I felt like I needed someone there with me when I was catching up on homework and poured my grief on. But nobody was there. Maybe now. But at the time when it mattered the most? I was completely alone. But to be fair, it's not like I was threatening others to talk to me or I'll lock myself up to cry. Because that was what I did, just minus the threatening part. I didn't talk and I cried myself to sleep instead.

I'll say it, I was sick with depression. I cried over nothing, lost over 5 kgs in a month, hated everything I did, had thoughts about death. I can't spell it any clearer to myself.

I still wrote, but in hindsight, I didn't write what I needed to write the most. I wrote what I wanted to read, as I usually do. How could such a habit kill me? I write, and I'm my own reader. I'm the only reader I need; the only critic; the only pair of eyes. And I suppose subconsciously I didn't want to remember how much I really hurt. Not wanting to read it, I didn't write it either. But even if I did write what I needed to write, such a mediocre effort would not have made much of a difference.

No, I didn't just cave. I tore myself to bits. Whatever little fear, anger, despair I could have felt, however tiny, I made it feel a lot worse and I would cry over it. At first I just let myself cry over nothing. Then I just couldn't help it. Eventually, after what was it, a month of looking at myself in the mirror after crying everyday, I couldn't help but actually be ashamed and disgusted of looking at what I looked like in the reflection; how pathetic. Maybe I could have been thinking, this is really not me.

The entire time, I had thought of so many million things. I just felt so much, most of it out of nothing and all at once. When I realised how terrible my thoughts were, I realised I had to snap out of it. And I did, quickly.

Miraculously, I walked out of an illness that claims thousands of lives a year. I didn't even know what I was really feeling at the time, but I'm surprised the "me" I have been looking for was what ultimately saved my sanity, and maybe even my life.

Unfortunately, I didn't become happy the next day. For an even longer time, I just felt a whole lot of nothing. I felt indifferent to every damn thing. I could read a report of thousands of deaths in the papers and not feel anything. I thought this was worse than depression because I'd laugh but it wouldn't mean anything. I'd be doing work and it doesn't make sense. I'd be writing and I wouldn't know what I wrote. It was terrible. I passed time watching something I enjoy, rewatch it, and when it gets boring, I switch to something else. It was terrible, I was actually grinding all the things I enjoyed until I hated all of it. It was terrible because I hate everything I used to love now. I have not played the piano or a guitar in over a year. I don't remember how much I used to love playing now.

And what did people think? When I was still "normal", I was outspoken, daring, strong-willed, outspoken, I was heading in the right direction. That was how I ended up on the Debate team to begin with. But now what? After all I went through, I don't even know who the hell I was any more. I am now the reserved one who doesn't speak, don't have friends, don't know what the hell she wants, odd with crazy emotions, without aim. That's not all strictly true, but being my own worst enemy, it seems true enough to me.

There was no real "me". I didn't know what to think now, but I do know the person I used to be - overpoweringly pungent but strong, and the new me I became - really quiet but you know it's there. I had to figure out who the hell I was and is and most importantly, what exactly I wanted to be. Actually, I'm not sure if I am even allowed to pick between versions of myself. I didn't know what I was supposed to do or what I should be feeling about things. I didn't know if I should try and become the person I used to be or if I shouldn't. Nothing made sense.

I got really desperate, I prayed for help. And I know some people prayed for me too, at this point. They of course, didn't know what I was going through. But they could see I was somewhat troubled. I did sort of burst into tears in church. I'm just glad I did that in front of people I trusted.

It's dumb because the answer was handed to me twice but I missed it the first time. I actually missed a smoke signal tossed at my head from Heaven. It was so big, wide and obvious, the hints. I'm not even sure if God could be this obvious.

He didn't talk to me in my sleep or anything crazy. He spoke to me in compliments from others.

A teacher of mine has taught me for many, many years. She knows me well. Well enough. But she wasn't teaching me when I was troubled. She had no idea what was going on. And all she did was ask me where I was headed to after school. I told her my plans, and she actually had faith in me that I was smart enough for a scholarship. Nothing much to think about, really. She's just a really nice teacher with a really kind heart. She said something nice, I overlooked it.

Except she told me the answer - Who I am isn't how I examine myself. It's how others see me.

Then shortly after, another teacher, but this time a school teacher, had said a bunch of really nice and encouraging words to me. This teacher though doesn't know me that well, and she said something I wasn't quite so sure on. But she was insistent she was right. I thought of what she said to me for a little while simply because I slightly disagreed with it. That evolved into me thinking of how wrong she was, how differently people perceive I must be, based on what they see.

Finally I found the answer - people think what I must be based on the way I act, based on what they see. But I think I am what I am based on how I thought. Obviously, there's a lot more that goes through your mind than what actually translates into actions. Actions are thoughts manifested physically. People see of me what I can't see of myself.

So I finally found it - me, my answers, what I should be. My answer was how it doesn't matter what I think I am - whether that be reserved, outspoken or self-righteous and everything else. Ironically, it matters what others perceive of me. People who believe in me, they know who I am or who I would be.

Maybe "me" is not in my thoughts, but the "me" was in the character others saw. It is not a character by definition, being smart enough for a scholarship or being a reserved person. "Me" doesn't answer my questions and tells me much of what I should be, or am. But it tells me everything that I show others subconsciously.

How bloody ironic is that? That I've always not cared for other people's expectations and thoughts of me but now it is the only thing that makes sense to me.

There's still a long way for me --the actual, real me-- to go, but at least I feel a lot more certain of my footing on this foothill now. It hurts me less now to think about this and maybe I won't bawl on the floor the next time I talk to people about it. Maybe I won't feel a pang of doubt the next time I smile. Maybe I could speak on stage one day without thinking I'm terrible. Maybe I could play music again.

Maybe.
- Fire ninja out.

Original post date: 2nd August

Windows

2011-06-27T14:52:00.013+08:00

I'm outside looking in.
Stuck around for the very last morsel I'm worth,
I now ask myself why. What for.
Why did I not ask that earlier?

Excluded from all conversations,
I'm flat-out ignored, sometimes a babbling idiot,
often times a wallflower, others an accessory
but always, always trying to be genuine. To you and to myself.

I know that much about you,
but how much do you actually know about me?
I felt for you. Have you? felt every pain I felt?
or was it just a story to you, one you commented on dismissively?

I'm not,
Never, once myself around you; but how could I?
when you don't love the me I am, you love the me you see.
Did they not say, friends bring out the best of each other?
Well then, I guess you are the literal anti-friend.

I suffered so much, and a plastic smile!
'I don't feel like it's! were all I need to pretend, deceive with.
Somehow you missed the ingenuity, all of it.
Actually, did you miss it, or cared too little to think?

Once
told I was too nice; I thought, well, I don't mind.
No, Wait.
I didn't mind. didn't mind until I realised,
finally understood, the weight of the metaphor, I'm outside looking in.

Simply there,
I was simply... convenient, thought of only when in sight.
"Since you're here...", no, no! We're not together otherwise.
That's friendship? That is what it is?
A support system that exists only when seen.

I'm glad I know now; not the falseness of the friendship,
but the validity of my pessimism.
People only disappoint, I said.
Today, it holds true.

If only relationships could be cleaned of tarnish,
like we clean with chemicals and scalding water.
Maybe tarnish would disappear, much like mud being washed away
with running hot water. I wish.

I know, I know, it cannot.
One can be cleaned, then dirtied again.
But on relationships, this stuff stays. So it shall.
One tarnish is all I can have, all I have room for.

That ugly tarnish lingers.
It doesn't hurt; yet doesn't fade.
It just stays. It mocks; laughs.
But it doesn't get even a flinch out of me.

It doesn't hurt, I don't let it.
I walked into it knowing I'd feel. Today, the dull ache has gone.
I always knew, but have now accepted indifferently,
I'm outside looking in.

- Fire ninja out.

Word doodle

2011-06-14T16:01:00.006+08:00

Writing with a pencil is distracting. I have to slow my thoughts down to the speed of a 7 year-old reading aloud. Then again, I wouldn't have the backspace button to hit repeatedly to have words deleted, perhaps more so of what actually survives the wayward blinking line. Pick your poison, literature. The eraser or simply vanishing? In human analogy, I'm guessing the eraser is more brutal. And alas, an unforeseen variable - lead, or the lack of it. I ran out of it. The journey of the penned words - what a tragic ending!

This is what happens when I get very bored and there's paper lying around. It's like doodling, but only strings of words get drawn instead of flowers or characters from a book.

Sometimes you ask yourself, "Why can't I write poems?" --Okay, so nobody asks themselves that question. But this is a very suitable situation to ask yourself that.
- Fire ninja out.

Get feminism right.

2011-06-10T10:17:00.006+08:00

I'm sure there are plenty of shallow girls like this. There are going to be lots of sweeping statements, so take everything lightly.

Some girls: They don't read papers, then maybe they're suddenly exposed to some story about a girl being beaten up by her boyfriend, or have been informed about some statistic about women earning less than men from the 1990's. Something. Anything that triggers the following response: "That is doubly unfair! Women should have the same rights, equal standing and should not be seen as a piece of meat."

Get your facts right, sister. I get it, it's the modern ages - yes. And we're still treated this way after millenniums - I know. But did you consider why? It's because you're fucking allowing it to happen and probably made it difficult for the rest of the race.

Since I'm admittedly clueless about feminist efforts, laws, rights, I'm limiting this to school level and what I think is right.

So, it's not uncommon to hear girls swoon over how a guy is sooo incredibly sweet. Has any girl ever done something just as nice for their boyfriends? If yes, is it of the same magnitude and frequency? I mean, if you wanna be equal, you should be equally nice, equally "romantic" and swoon-worthy, no?

Nope. Let's take the simple and common act of guys asking girls for numbers as an example. Simply listen to girls as they expect guys to step forth and ask for their numbers, or at least to start a conversation. Tell me you don't feel a little sick imagining their stupidity right now. Besides, usually those guys are really harmless, there is no need to be mean; but these girls decide to laugh at what I'd consider, really brave guys.

Newsflash, pretentious girls. If there is true equality, and if you'd use your faux feminist brain, you'd see that girls have equal rights to walk up to a guy and start a conversation... but they don't act on that right because they fear being seen as a tramp.

Hell no, woman. Did you just see what you did there? You are one big paradox. Your own subconscious gender-role stereotypes already contradict feminism. You want to be talking equality now?

Come on. What the fuck? I'm not condoning any of this pointless behaviour, (which will lead to a break up, eventually.. but that's a post for another time) but if you want equal rights, then you should work for it, exercise that equal right to walk up to guys and talk to them, exactly like you expect guys to walk up and talk to you.

This behaviour doesn't just stop at initiating conversations - the examples are limitless, just like their shallowness. Selfish girls want it all for themselves. It's been said before (not by me), and I'll say it again - some girls are completely oblivious to the point of feminism. They expect all the advantages to equality, but want to retain their "special" position, which contradicts feminism to begin with.

And did you know that guys have way less rights than girls do? Girls can probably yell rape and get out of a hand-hold. Do you think a guy being kicked by a girl could yell abuse? I didn't think so either.

The truth is, if there was a female mugger who decided to rob a guy, held a gun to him, passers-by would probably first think that she is attacking him in self-defence. In essence, it must be the guy's fault, all the time in situations like this. For these situations, guys are practically defenceless if they can't subdue you physically. If some guy marries a kick boxer and gets abused like a lot of women do by men, this guy can't do batshit about it because there is probably no shelter for abused men. In fact, counselling for abused men may not exist.

If you don't want to be treated like a piece of meat, well then, tough luck. This day will never come. Look at Hollywood - do girls who weigh anything exceeding 50kgs get leading roles? What about guys with flabby tummies? A lot of well-paid male actors don't have a six-pack, but a lot of the well-paid female actors are too skinny. There's my point.

Only thing I can say is, even if you pay less attention to your body, for a lot of guys, it's all they care about. On a forum I stumbled across, this guy pointed out an actress and commented on her pear-shaped figure and said it was a "shame" that she was pretty and didn't have like 36-24-36. Guess what, I wasn't even sure what a pear-shaped figure was until I looked it up. Just the way he knew all this really told me how much these guys care about superficiality in girls, and only that.

I really support and appreciate the efforts by all the feminists - the real ones - out there, fighting for women. But I again reiterate, even after over a year of being persuaded: feminism will never be achieved. Never. It could be achieved on paper, but would that stop men from thinking of women as a pair of T&A on legs? Never.

Never. Therefore I propose that girls should start lewdly expecting eight-packs on the abdomen of every guy in this world, just like all girls are screened by guys for the best pairs of T&A. Even the nicest guys I've met are obsessed over the voluptuous, why shouldn't girls obsess over pecs?

So we should. We should impose standards only fit for Grecian Gods on all men, from here on forth. Hollywood would catch up on that, pretty soon, there are more normal sized, non-anorexic, eating female actors in Hollywood as compared to anorexic, eight-packs men.

You're welcome for that evolution.

But all that, is until.
- Fire ninja out.

Eric Hutchinson

2011-06-04T00:41:00.002+08:00

Rock & Roll - Eric Hutchinson
Heard this song in a million movies, movie trailers, fan-made trailers, TV shows before I actually found out who sang it or what song it was. I guess that's a side-effect of not listening to the radio. (NOPE, I still refuse to regret anything. That includes perpetually being out of loop and being excluded from conversations.)

It's a really nice song for a post-2000's song and Eric Hutchinson (presumably the guy walking around lip-syncing to the song in the music video) looks about all of 21 years-old. Unfortunately he's something closer to 30. If he indeed was 21, damn; I'll be the biggest fangirl ever.

Speaking objectively though, (of the song, not him) it's got a real nice old radio hit vibe to it. In other words, it's a real song! Not a muttering of gibberish and yodelling to a dance beat. Kinda rare for songs these days. (There's actual instruments used in this song, imagine that.) I'm not sure what it's classified as, classic pop? 80's pop? Hmm.

Whatever it is, there has to be more songs like this!
- Fire ninja out.

Seashells

2011-05-29T00:20:00.002+08:00

I forgot we're, in so many ways, much like them.

I don't mean the writhing things inside them that die and leave seashells behind. I mean we're like seashells.

It's not some metaphor about being zombies or being an empty vessel, but I just realised that sometimes we could be so self-absorbed we really forget to consider others. Like many parents, we could think we're always the righteous one when we're really not. We could make mistakes and blame it on everyone else but ourselves.

This guy who handed in his work late got fired because it costed his ad agency a contract with a prominent sportswear company. He had claimed that it was not his fault at all because:

- his friend told him he could hand in his work before work started at 8 the day after the deadline. He in fact, could not.
- his immediate boss told him to make changes and had given him a day's extension on the deadline. His boss meant before 8, which would be the deadline by the fore-mentioned friend.
-- so he sent his work at 8 am the day after the deadline, 24 hours late.

- he was also working with the same group of people for two different projects, therefore mixing up his deadlines
- his computer was sluggish, and he had requested for a new computer weeks ago
- he had too many pendrives and took time to find his work
- he had to meet a client during lunch the day before, taking some time out of work
- he was no longer allowed to work paid OT hours
- he was away on MC a day after the project commenced, missing the meeting
-- you know what? The list can go on and on.

All I'm saying is, if you're that guy it makes sense to you why you handed up your work late. It also makes sense to you why these reasons caused you to hand up your work late - for someone completely unprofessional and fallacious. It's pure sophism, but still. Anything to make yourself look completely guiltless, am I right?

So the guy went ahead and blamed his friend for telling him something untrue, his boss for being unclear about his deadline, his team for not telling him when the deadline was, his boss again for not getting him a more sophisticated computer, etc.

Is it still his fault?

Ultimately, yes - he handed his work late. It's printed in black and white on his testimony from here on out.

Are these people really to blame? The friend, boss, teammates? Nope.
If he was more professional would he still have his job? He would have gotten his work done on time and double-checked deadlines if he was truly concerned, so yes.

Can these people be blamed? No. Unless of course, they keylogged his computer and burned his pendrives to sabotage him. Is it their fault he got his work handed in late? NOPE.

Are they still being put at fault by this newly unemployed guy, though?

Yup.

Sad, isn't it? Tragic, even. Foul words exchange, the guy drags people down to his level, rumours spread, all because of his own failure to do their work correctly. But it's easier to blame others, no matter how involved they are, than to blame ourselves.

"Why didn't I personally ask my boss what the exact deadline was earlier?"
Such a good question, but it's too scary to consider the truth of the answer.

So we blame.

We blame.
- Fire ninja out.

Anna Nalick's Satellite

2011-05-24T22:53:00.004+08:00

Black and blue I chose my wave
I, the candid castaway
In a way delayed by one more broken season
To find reason for appeasing you and

So I found my guiding light
Lambent, flashing red and white
Through a starry night I'm better nowhere-bound
Than drowning on your solid ground

Satellite, save my life
I'm wishing on a two-way radio
Love might be just like me
Jaded, waiting, all alone
A whisper on a two-way radio

All in all I fare the same
Wishing on an airplane
As calling stars by name
A lonely song of freedom rings
In hope of someone listening and
So I send my feeble flare
Through the silent arctic air
Heading anywhere
Until at last I've finally found
A place to lay my anchor down

Satellite, save my life
I'm wishing on a two-way radio
Love might be just like me
Jaded, waiting, all alone
You never know never never

Heaven help me I'm
Drowning and I can't save me
Send some salvation
To keep me alive

Satellite, save my life
I'm wishing on a two-way radio
Love might be just like me
Jaded, waiting, all alone
Satellite, save my life
I'm wishing on a two-way radio
Love might be just like me
Jaded, waiting, all alone
A whisper on a two-way radio

Quite a lot of people's take on this song's lyrics were about an abusive relationship, a girl getting out of one, mostly just very literal takes on the lyrics and of a satellite. I guess I was the only one who saw a picture. Here's my imagery of it.

Stranded on an island at night with only a boat and a two-way radio, I'm sitting on the island after sunset, looking and listening to the dark, black and blue waves crashing. Finally something snaps and I just had to leave, to go out in the sea, so I wait for one final wave to crash and push out my tiny boat and ride out on the next wave. I can only head towards the lighthouse - the red and white lights; it is the only direction I have.

Anything is better than being on that island, ironically I was drowning on dry land and not the open sea - a metaphor for being oppressed by the other person in the relationship who I have to always appease by continuing to be in it.

The two-way radio, my only glimpse of hope seems dim. I haven't had reception. Satellite, please work your magic this time. I find myself whispering into it again. But nothing, still static as it had been for a while. I wonder, maybe love is like me, lonely, stranded, tired.

I made a wish on a passing airplane and watched the starry night. I named each star I could see and sang their names. "Maybe someone could hear me." I've been out in the middle of nowhere for a while, so I lit a flare and watch it fly out in the vast open sky, so insignificantly. The waves settle a bit so I dropped the anchor and stopped.

I try the radio, again to no avail. This vast openness that was so liberating before is drowning me emotionally.

Heaven help me, get me out of this mess. I don't understand how I missed getting here, to this mess.

Suddenly a strong current hits me; and again; and the third time I found myself in the water. I clutch at the last thing I could grab my hands on - the radio and make a final, desperate call.

So inspiring, the imagery of this song.
- Fire ninja out.

"Trapped in

2011-05-16T13:57:00.002+08:00

the Monday rain" - Kate Voegele, Monday Rain

Never thought I'd actually use that in writing!

Then again, I might have been quoting way too many songs and writing too much about music in general to maybe make my English teacher think I'm some wannabe music aficionado/wannabe/nut. Oh, I've already said wannabe.

Ever had that one line in a song that keeps repeating in your brain?

Imagine that from over 10 different artistes playing irrelevant songs in your head, every day.

Oh yeah, it's American Idol minus those useless judges who don't seem to offer quite the advice.

Rain and thunder!
- Fire ninja out.

I have to write

2011-04-02T11:02:00.002+08:00

I told myself the next time I felt really sad over something again that I'd write about it instead of keeping it in like I did.

Missed a whole day of meeting this morning because I got so tired I slept the whole day and night yesterday on and off, interrupted by blocked noses and stuffy air. This meeting's really important to me but for some stupid reason I just didn't wake up until it was over.

She's right, what's the point of crying that I missed it if I could go and find out what was in the meeting and it will be like I didn't miss it at all, if I put in my own effort?

But I realised I'm really more upset that I missed the assurance I needed from all the discussion today because I feel like I've lost so much of my self-confidence so far, especially in debate.

I've really just lost all will to want to fight, watching the debate on Thursday was nerve-wrecking for me - as a debater, even though I was only watching on Thursday, I lost focus and I thought I would be stumped if I was in the other debaters' shoes.

When the opposition accused our team of beating around the bush, I wouldn't have thought to reply to that. It could also be maturity and calmness but is that really what a debater needs? Isn't it that immaturity fueling us to want to banter everything, to question everything and to undermine the opposition?

The entire time I was watching, I could only think, I used to be able to speak better than that, but what about now? Could I?

What if I have truly lost myself? I've been looking for the old me for so many months now and it's been unsuccessful. But then... I'm not very sure if I want to find myself. Maybe this is me, now, but I just have to cope with how I am? I just wonder how, having low self-confidence is so different from how I used to be.

To climb off a high horse was at least voluntary, but to be knocked off it is another story.

Never mind if you call it arrogance or confidence, to have that become part of yourself and your character really forms the centre of your mindset and acts. Obviously when I lost that, everything changed.

Do I honestly want my old self back? Or do I just have to learn to deal with change: find confidence, and find my way back?

What do I do about debate? How do I know I could speak like I did, now that I'm so passive and don't even want to pick fights? Do I just fake confidence, or ignore the problem entirely? It's already a bad enough time to be considering these problems. If I continue like this, what if I pull down the team?

This is impossible... I need His guidance.
- Fire ninja out.

Incomprehensible

2011-04-01T20:15:00.003+08:00

Much more so than Add. Maths or even why I'm studying so much on Islam History in my History textbook... I completely do not understand God.

It doesn't add up in my brain why I had lost my voice, out of so many days in the year, on the day of my debate competition yesterday. What doesn't add up more is how I got most of it back during the competition, when I actually needed it.

And the confusion within the confusion? I was about to get a fever (could really feel it in every cell) and it just went away after my third and fourth Panadol and a nap.

What on earth?

If none of this made sense, add this to the pile - I wouldn't have spoken anyway. The lots we drew meant that even if I was okay I wouldn't be speaking.

Perhaps God was reminding me that I can't do anything without Him and it was okay even when the world falls down because He's there for me.

Amidst the haziest, cloudiest whirlwind, He's that ray of light that tells us the tornado is settling and everything will be fine.

Thank you Lord,
- Fire ninja out.

Newspaper headlines

2011-03-15T00:39:00.009+08:00

on March 14th.

Only got to read the day's papers at night, around 9pm. Someone exclaimed that they were so happy about the front page and I was just sitting there, staring at the paper for a full minute and then at the person, wondering why the hell they're so happy about an aerial picture of a destroyed city.

I was absolutely horrified until I realised she meant the opposite end of the newspaper, the sports section.

Joseph Stalin once said, when one dies, it's a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic. I know I'm not getting much credit for quoting Joseph Stalin of all people, but I just wonder if that's the right way to treat natural disasters.

I find it disappointing that I see half the people aware of the Japan disaster not know about what happened in Haiti. They'd complain about the heat but do not understand that a massive tremor caused the entire planet to move 8 cm... causing the bloody heat.

In this disaster, I observe some people concerned about their favourite artistes in Japan or its surrounding area surviving than they are of the innocent people dying at the coastline.

If this is sympathy, if this is how they express their concern, I reject all invites to join pointless groups where people are secretly praying that the nuclear meltdown do not affect themselves in their selfish pursuits to stay on Earth for as long as they can. Perhaps they do not even feel these deaths, they just hope it doesn't happen to them.

I reject all public displays of my concern over the disaster, although I have been praying from minute one.

I reject all affiliation with people of double standards and holier-than-thou attitudes, one of whom I did not expect to see. It's such a disappointment to see a friend you think is higher than double standards to go ahead and display it to you, almost in mockery of the confidence you have in them. Took me a while to understand that they actually could care less about Japan and put up a facade to appear so. It's embarrassing that I thought so much better of them. I quite resent this friend. I know it's been ... years since I last really understood this person, it could be change, it could be their true self, but whatever it is... sigh.

Consider my take. I'll keep my Facebook profile (this is the most public form of concern I can think of) looking normal and sincerely pray without other motives rather than act nice and appear like the one with the most gusto about the disaster... but inside lies no sympathy.

Disappointing, the true characters that show.
- Fire ninja out.

Male singers

2011-03-01T20:30:00.003+08:00

either sound girly,
Phil Schawel - Hallelujah cover
Phil Schawel - a really talented singer on YouTube I've subscribed to for a while. He just posted this video recently after quite a while of disappearance, listening to it inspired me to write this.

whiny,
The Fray - Never Say Never
The Fray - one of my fave bands, unfortunately when you play The Fray for 5 hours, Isaac starts to sound a bit whiny.

or just how I love them.
Michael Bublé - Home
He's just right! Unfortunately, I've only got select albums by him, I don't actually know his new songs except for parts and pieces to Just Haven't Met You Yet. But! I know enough to the song to have told some of my friends that he was my valentines and that he just "hasn't met me yet" to earn a big dramatic facepalm though. Anyway, I had no idea his new album even existed until I saw Just Haven't Met You Yet on the front page of YouTube. Maybe not listening to the radio is a bad idea after all. NAH. I at least don't get fed crap I have to listen to.

Maybe you won't hear the difference but if you listen to the three of them singularly for something like 2, 3 hours, the difference starts getting obvious.

Short entry is short!
- Fire ninja out.

Thankful

2011-02-23T22:11:00.004+08:00

that nobody had to read whining for over a month! Now aren't you glad? You're berry berry welcome. I've noticed a lot lately. It's odd what studying does to me, I noticed that all STDs mentioned in the Science textbook besides HIV are caused by bacteria. I've warned you - it's odd what studying does to me.

I noticed this show, The Cape, and I got hooked on it... how sad that I only heard of it because Summer Glau's in it. Remember? Cameron of TSCC and River Tam of Firefly, Serenity? Take my love, take my land, take me where I cannot stand... I guess all good shows get cancelled... or they just hang on for their very last millisecond of glory and it gets draggy and annoying. *cough*Lost sucks*cough*

The Cape was very awesome! Slightly Watchmen-esque and extremely convincing to me. Some aspects to the show was just amateurish but I thought the idea itself was really full of potential. I don't understand why all the good shows in the world gets such bad ratings in America and then all the stupid reality shows get displayed 24/7. Is this insinuating that Americans don't appreciate good TV? I don't know, I'm not to say. But ratings kinda prove it.

I also realised that Chinese R&B (although I don't understand half the lyrics being sung) is inherently better than English R&B. Chortle, because I've always thought Chinese R&B gets its influences from English R&B... and yet it's better.

I noticed that guys inherently make better friends than girls do. I suppose girls wouldn't get frisky - but then these days, it's hard to say - as guys might or might not, however that's quite presumptuous to assume so. There's no such cattiness among girls when you're with guys. And hence, once and a million times again, why I have major problems interacting with most girls. I don't know why, I find it difficult talking to them. I suppose it's a sub-conscious barrier of defence I put up before I even start to open my mouth, but I somehow think that for every word I'm about to say, I'm going to be judged by at least 50% of the girls I meet.

I don't think guys would go, "Omg look at what she's wearing, so ugly! And she wears it to a birthday party? Gross. Oh and you know, she said hi to me. *scoff* What the hell is that? She trying to get popular by saying hi?" No no, they would just laugh their heads off at what you're wearing... maybe point at you, but talk to you anyway if you're insensitive enough to their jeering. Yup. Ask me how I know, I think I have too many guy friends.

Other than that though, maybe I just wasn't built for this whole interact-with-catty-girls thing in a girls' school (again, quite politically incorrect to assume they're all catty) or maybe I'm just pragmatic enough to not conform to segregation because I'm only in it for 5 years and then I'm out into the real world where it's shockhorror! entirely coed. Or maybe I have always been in the real world the entire time. Whatever it is though, I have issues with girls.

I also noticed that if there was another me (which I've been told, there is) I would really hate myself. Like major... dislike.

I noticed as well how self-absorbed my writing can be. However I find it equally self-absorbed if all I talk about are my friends who most readers can't be a part of, assuming there are readers to begin with. Still, my point stands. If all you're posting is that new dress you wore, the RM 150 meal you bought at some high class restaurant that's going to turn into shit anyway, your friends-- I'm sorry, your clique, your tight-arsed BFF and your blinged-up handphones; maybe that's far worse than my whining. Hence, the whining ensues.

Finally, I've also noticed that my blog has gone to hell when I normally write an average of once a week at least. I fail, and I'm sorry about that.

I had no idea there are so many stalkers from TEH/ex-TEH/RS! This one's for you Kevin, thanks for reading me for so long. I don't know why you do, but nonetheless, this is for you.

Hope to write soon... maybe it won't be so whiny next time.
- Fire ninja out.

Is it limits or common sense?

2011-01-22T22:00:00.000+08:00

Having lost and regained an able body; having forcibly stopped all forms of sports because of my own carelessness and ignorance; having been through physical and emotional turmoil, I pray sincerely that nobody else has to go through the kind of pain I have. So when I say "Don't push it, it's really not worth it", maybe I am truly concerned and not as keen on demotivating them as you have assumed vindictively so.

I hope I'm completely wrong about you, but your condescension have been felt strongly before in the past, even before this incident. And honestly, if you think of certain people as pushovers, you need to get your EQ tested and maybe you could push yourself to have higher EQ than you do now. It's rather obvious when you speak all condescendingly to some but sound entirely different to others.

How can you bear to endanger others even if your advice is uplifting and motivating and all things great? Please see that you are just being ignorantly fake, giving false encouragement for the sake of being encouraging. Falsely cheering the sick, convulsing, heatstroke-stricken people not to stay strong, but to push themselves to the brink of seeing stars and then needing to sit out anyway. Oh because that's right, I forgot - it's the only way to enjoy a game. By pushing themselves as hard as they can for the sake of sounding positive and motivating. Pushing themselves to the brink of possible comatose because someone told them so.

"Don't push it, it's not worth it" had unfortunately sounded too irksome and too demotivating for your ears to hear and you had to say something great to shoot me down within earshot of a dozen others for it. Well, guess what? Your irksome ignorance and condescension is equally off-putting too. In fact, irksome and condescending enough to earn a few minutes of my ranting.

Please see the difference between pushing yourself - which would be running despite an aching stomach - and pushing it - which by your books, would be running until you collapse because it's the only way to prove that you're really great and inspiring. In other words, an excuse to be self-destructive and plain stupid.

Please think from a mind of your age. I suppose my personal attack is no more mature than a 12 year-old's, but at the very least I do not lack common sense and act all condescending about a sensible opinion.

The only reason I am this bothered is because I am dismayed to see this kind of twisted encouragement being spread and I hope nobody takes your advice.

Disappointing. I expected better from a person like you. I sincerely thought much better of you.
- Fire ninja out.

Life is built

2011-01-16T00:23:00.002+08:00

on irony and oxymorons.

I just suddenly hit a pang of emotions on Wednesday, and then I realised I had to take time out. Thank God, I had Michaels the next day, at least it was a little unwinding and a whole lot of smiling. Felt mostly back to normal after softball on Friday. In the time when I was feeling an odd cocktail of ups and downs, I reflected on things to help me think through this tide and just push through it.

The tide is over, while I can't say I know what caused it this time, or answer any other questions, I did learn a few things.

If you happen to see this from excessive linkage off another Form-fiver's blog, I'm rather amused. Continue reading though, especially if you've not fully found God yet. Hopefully you'd read something that would touch your heart because it touched mine.

Do you know how everyone always says that God speaks to you in ways you would never imagine? God spoke to me by planting the answer in my own thoughts.

How?

I wrote an essay for something around this time, last year. I just received it a while ago; having read it again, it was completely foreign as I can't recognize my own writing - I write too often to remember everything. But with my old essay were comments on my essay made by others. While mostly very kind, I noticed I was marked down a few times for some "odd phrases" in the essay. And with my being the author, I felt so indignant about it and I couldn't stop yelling in my thoughts, "It's not my phrasing that is wrong, you're the one who just didn't get it!"

So fine, that was that. Recently I met someone I haven't met in years and I realised I've been having the false conception of her. Someone knows her is close to me and had always chatted about her because we both miss her so. Along with the chatter, this one close to me would sometimes say things that had constantly given me the false impression of her. The things being said were purely speculation and opinions, regardless, it had rooted the ideas deep in my opinion of her.

Having seen her recently however, and having chatted, learning more about her; I realised that it was all wrong. It was completely wrong and she was not half as bitter as I had originally made her out to be. I learned that something she did I had assumed was out of spite was actually being thoughtful and being forced under circumstances. And so, those speculations and thoughts were not even a consequence of her own doing at all.

Never mind whose fault it was or the outcome, I have only realised after all that reflecting that the comments made on my essay was the same as what she may have felt like if she knew what was being said about her.

Maybe it was not one of the more startling revelations I've made, (humans are comprised of cells - OMG) but it did leave me with a more open mind, build more tolerance to speculation and to empathize more. This time, God didn't answer any nagging questions in my head, but He has probably answered a lifetime of question marks in my future.

It was so simple - I just felt what others feel when they're under something as common as speculation. I'm not even talking about gossip yet. Of course, we never know what others speculate of us, and we never will, it's just that my own speculating had learned me this. If anything I've learned, it would be this - what you think is or isn't might be your ignorance. This is as true as how much I believe in what I wrote and how wrong those comments were.

Those commenters had immediately assumed some parts they didn't comprehend to be "odd phrasing". I am very sure I am right, and they probably just hadn't come across such writing before. It's the same way how we sometimes assume what people are, but we just never sit in their shoes and figure out what else is a plausible explanation.

If you have learned absolutely nothing from this, yes - it's a happy ending.

What is it with girls and happy endings?
- Fire ninja out.

Help

2010-12-02T16:02:00.004+08:00

I need it.

I've lost too much to it to keep overlooking how long I've been sitting in its shadow. Little did I realise the subtle changes were not that innocent and see that they were what it left behind.

I have not changed, I just lost myself. I lost myself to an illness. And it's time I walk out of it completely. It's going to take a lot, but it has already taken a lot from me. I've got nothing more I could lose.

It's going to take a lot of courage to walk out of this mess. With courage I no longer have after finding comfort with what I have become.

It's going to start with losing whatever shame and regret I feel when I speak of how I used to be down. Down with depression. And now I need help. Having walked out from it, I am still suffering with side-effects it left behind.

I lost myself, I lost who I was. I am no longer the self-confident one I was, not the one who could bear all the consequences to her bold actions. I have instead become self-conscious and think poorly of myself. I no longer have passion for music or art as I did before. Music was everything to me, now it is just something for me to listen to. And for a while I was completely apathetic and unmotivated to do anything. That took me a while to realise what I was doing. But worst of all, I had lost faith in God. Something I sorely regret. When I see how much I blamed God for everything happening to me, I did not realise how wrong I was to even say anything to God about it.

Now I'm looking for myself. The one I was. I thought I had simply changed, but then I realised it was what depression left behind. It made me this way.

But no longer am I a slave to it.
- Fire ninja out.

A chance or a chance less?

2010-11-26T22:01:00.005+08:00

Impressions... First impression or not, deep or forgettable, they are all often permanent. Most forget that our impressions may not always be the truest until we reach to find out how much of it is.

But since they are but impressions and opinions of others we have, in our minds there are no reasons for us to challenge our own opinions and views. Therefore we are always set on those false impressions we have of others, and we never think to challenge it. Often, we form an impression of a person with very little information and through what we hear about them, but never after the true person themselves. We simply forget to give others a chance.

I sometimes forget how I feel about someone could be completely different to how they feel about me. Sometimes I naively think that my being someone's friend should surely be reciprocated. But how wrong am I! How stupid I am to think that! I forget that while there are people who upset my appetite, I probably am the same to others, considering the kind of impression I leave and how I may act sometimes to what meets the eye.

However, being the person at the end of such false impressions, I sympathize, oddly, with myself. I empathize with those at the receiving end of such false impressions. Because of this, I gave someone a chance. Someone who used to skip and stamp happily and obliviously over my raw nerves. It was way out of my comfort zone, but out of empathy and perhaps a little guilt, I gave in to myself and thought, "Maybe there's more to this person than what I deem them to be? It could be all psychological." Was I wrong.

How could I have known, that when I let them in again, a fresh new start with a second chance, that they would trample all over me? All over me, as if I hadn't existed. Actually, I might not have existed in their eyes. Little did I know how stupid I was then, giving someone impossible a second chance, when they never appreciated or even understood what I was doing. After the second chance was overlooked I became even colder and aloof to this person, and they never got why.

That was the worst part.

They never got why.

Never got why I became even more aloof to them than I previously was.

Excuse me if it seemed like I'm playing God. I realise that not everyone has to be my friend. I realise that there are people with more repelling flaws than others. I realise that I could be equally repelling as that person is. I realise that this particular person is simply extremely inferior and insecure that caused them to do what they did. I know. There's nothing causing me to not know this. I have no false conceptions about this.

But the thing is,

There probably was nothing good there for me to discover. As terrible as it sounds, I'm not the only one to have my appetite destroyed at the slightest mention of this person. That's also the kindest way I could think of to say that a lot of people equally dislike this person. Let's just say, this person is too much to handle. As much as I have already given them the benefit of the doubt, they have utterly marred their own chances of showing me there's more to what I can see.

Again, I do realise I am not God and nobody should live to my (extremely practical, reasonable and basic for normal and even retarded human beings) expectations or standards.

I would at least say, if a lot of people have a problem with you, you're probably the one with the problem..

No regrets though. It was worthless and an utter waste of time. But there was a possibility that I was wrong about this person. And knowing that this possibility exists, I would have been more foolish if I had ignored it. At least, I had gained a more optimistic perspective on this person's flaws on a slightly brighter light. But nonetheless, still a very very dim light.

However bright or dim I, myself am, this is the kind of doubt that I request from others. Maybe this is my paying it forward in advance.

All that aside, disappointment aside, my hopes of others doing the same aside, my pain and hurt from other's judgement aside, my judgments of others aside, the most important part was - I tried.

You should too.
- Fire ninja out.

Breaking point

2010-09-28T18:58:00.009+08:00

There are many things I can stand. Insults; I find them mostly repetitive and said so often they barely mean anything offensive any more. Pain; I think I have gone through a lot both physically and emotionally. Boredom; I fall asleep stat and often think ridiculous thoughts and just tune off. Stress; although I wouldn't say I handle it particularly well.

But I can't stand being yelled at. Of all the things I can stand, this is just one of them. Call me names and I can ignore them, but if I get yelled at even slightly I break down and crumble like chalk.

I'm not sure why, there is just something about loud noises I can't stand. In fact, I often go insane when my neighbour's alarm clock rings at 5 am and he doesn't wake up to turn the bloody clock off for an hour. I don't know what his alarm clock is made of, but I can hear it with my headphones on. If I played FPS games, I'd have music turned on so I wouldn't be as distracted by the loud noises as I would be. I suppose I'm just not one for loud noises despite my contradictory noisy experience in marching and FPS gaming.

I think it's established that I can't be yelled at at all. But yet I keep getting yelled at, sometimes I feel being used as a punching bag. One little thing could get me yelled at, although I can't think of a reason why no matter how many times I wear their shoes. It seems intentional I am being used like this, just being yelled even if I asked for something reasonable. Often, I wonder if I should just compromise what I really want to say and say what they want to hear. But then even if I don't get yelled at, I would be very unhappy over needing to conform to someone else's feelings just to be spared a yell.

Maybe that's what made me sensitive to being yelled at - the insecurity from experiencing it often and without reason. I do admit I used to raise my voice without qualms to get my way, but ever since I realised what I was doing, raising my voice would only happen when I lose control of myself. Now I wish I could yell back, or tell them I'd rather be subject to insults instead but it feels wrong even raising my voice for selfish reasons; much more if I hate yelling.

Every time I get yelled at, it doesn't matter who by, I usually clam up and won't be my usual self and refuse to speak until I get over it, if I am around people I would pretend to be okay with it but still I would be of few words. It's extremely depressing until I get over it myself. I still remember when I used to cry, I would immediately call a friend to chat as soon as I stop sobbing. Both of these friends can just tell when I have been crying. Eventually I kicked that habit and bottled up my feelings over time, I then became stuck in this pitiful state. Not talking, pretending to be fine. I would cry over the slightest and most insignificant of things. It was depression, and I lived there for the better part of half a year. I then realised that depression is a very dark place and it's difficult finding your way out of it.

The self-pity I showed myself was so great that I actually felt comforted by it. And I just kept ignoring how upset I really was by living life normally. I became an entirely different person and held concern over the slightest of things. It was self-induced stress and it was doing me no good, I was constantly stressed out over things I don't normally bother about. But at least I was functioning and even cared about what I don't normally do. This stress worked for a while, until I got so tired and just stopped functioning. Then nothing made sense to me, everything study-wise took me twice the effort to absorb, I stopped doing everything. Stopped doing homework; stopped studying. I felt that it was pointless studying, or doing anything at all. I passed time by repeating what I liked. When I stopped liking it, I would repeat something else I liked. My life was in a loop and it was going nowhere, it was almost perverted.

Eventually, my neglected work and responsibilities reached past my head and I forced myself out of that easy life. I know I have to start working hard, if not twice as hard to catch up on all my missed work if I want to do well.

No one is to say what really caused all of this turmoil, or if that was indeed depression at all. Or if depression even exists, or that I had a choice to be the way I was. But I'm sure that being sensitive to yelling has made me very insecure and it's a terrible feeling knowing what can cause me to relapse into such a dark state. A crack in your wall, patched up with super-cement will always remain a crack in the wall. It's a weak point; even if it doesn't crack again in the same place, it's bound to crack nearby. What are you to do if that wall was you?

- Fire ninja out.

Which is it,

2010-09-21T18:32:00.003+08:00

love at first sight?
Or pure chemistry that fades with differences and time?

I suppose it's an overly cynical take on things especially at my age but it just seems so naive that people would just put forth all their faith in someone, immerse themselves in this someone and decide that they are in love. Would that not be merely attraction to superficiality and momentary features such as character?

It's also surreal that people decide what love is at the first sight; the very first interaction. That is like trying to answer a crossword puzzle without using clues. It is already difficult enough with, but then without... is that not worse? How is it possible that one decides something so important with so few detail and definition?

Yet their minds are quickly filled with false hope and ideas that they have found their other half when it could just be mere attraction to looks or character, from however brief that interaction may be. There is a difference between someone who catches your eye and someone you fell in love with just looking at. Both of which do not justify the overrated phrase, 'love at first sight'. From that one look, just because they stole your thoughts for a second does not mean they will stay in your thoughts forever.

Change is nature. Love is often chemistry. Isn't it a wonder that it is a fact - some types of love are temporary. Most people only see and know each other at their best behaviour, their true selves suppressed. See, you're always at your best when you've just met someone. But then what happens when you become all too familiar with each other and you forget that mask? You have let your guard down and forget to change yourself for the other person and they see you for what you really are. Will they still love you then, after having all their good images of you effectively invalid?

It would be foolish and naive to think that one could permanently change themselves for love... much less at first sight. It is not easy when you become too familiar with a person that you would still always be at your best. That permanent change may not be a change to fix a fault with you either, it could also mean a change in principle when you force yourself to accept a person you're just not compatible with... all in the name of love or whatever false notion of it you have. But why? When it is easier to suppress your feelings and slowly move on?

Perhaps speaking as a cynic by nature, it was inevitable that I had my doubts on something as abstract as love.

Cheers. Yours candidly,
- Fire ninja out.

Apathy

2010-09-14T19:23:00.002+08:00

It's so numb. Everything I used to find to be a chore and a fight is now meaningless. I no longer find there to be a reason to do anything any more.

Is this what harmless indifference causes? A state of apathy and the lack of a fighting spirit. I have lost aim and reason. Even prayer seems to be futile. Even seeking faith seems to be meaningless.

It feels like I have seen too much. Too many earthquakes that the next won't shake me. Too many floods that my feelings have been drowned. Too many murders that it's killed life for me. Too many accidents that made me realise how fragile and meaningless life is. So I stopped caring. But how could this be? How can this be it for me? How do I feel again?

Surely this isn't normal? I just keep doing what I enjoy over and over again. It feels numb, and then I move on. I do this not in compulsion, but of not having anything else to do and enjoy. I don't even enjoy my hobbies any more, after achieving something, another goal seems to be meaningless. I can't live a meaningless life like this. What happens if this never ends? I need something to touch me. But what? If I have lost faith, what do I have left?

Did depression cause apathy? Will I have to live with depression and apathy forever? If I have lost inspiration to even live life, be a seeker, what am I doing on this earth and why have I been sent here?

So sick of myself. If only I had seen less of the world and have been more naive. Perhaps I would be more short-sighted. Maybe I would only do, then think.

How do I unlearn the Earth?
- Fire ninja out.

Blasting The Fray

2010-08-28T11:57:00.002+08:00

over two square speakers.

If anyone from softball sees this, (I know that's so unlikely) I apologize for my attention whorish behaviour on Friday. I think I felt too safe doing something like that in the presence of my close friends, but anyway good news for you is you don't have to see this ugly mofo much any more.

That will be the last time I'll be playing softball in school or maybe ever... I can barely walk this morning and it's not caused from the aches from exercising or whatever. It's my back. It's quite bad today, it could also be from sleeping but I can't take that chance ever again. On second thought it could be from throwing after physical training since training wasn't that strenuous.

This also means the dead end to all of my dreams, to any and all possibility that I might be able to do all the sports in the world I had set out to do. I'm just thankful that I learnt to back off sports the easy way... not that this is still an easy decision to make for the rest of my life but at least I didn't decide this when I am bedridden from some gratuitous op.

More than anything, it is hampering and disappointing especially when I've already set out to at least do what I enjoy. I suppose I deserve this since I've already ignored so many signs before it came to now that I should quit sports.

All that aside though, I got to play however little of softball and at the very least it's been a while since I last genuinely enjoyed myself.

Eventually, there'll be a day where I can say, "the pain is all worth it." It's just not now.

- Fire ninja out.

confuzzling

2010-08-27T00:16:00.004+08:00

kon-fu-ze-ling.

yes very.

I just realised I don't know how to answer grammatically negative (as opposed to the emotional 'negative') questions. ie:

"Tomorrow no class ah?"

As simple as this question is, as often as you hear it, there's more to it than you think...

Let's say, I'm trying to confirm that there is a class after. What exactly do I say?

Y/N?

My confusion here is because if I said "Yes", it could be "Yes, there isn't class".
Or a "No" could be "No. There is no class."

But if I got lazy and only said the simple Y/N, my answer could easily be taken both ways.

So back to my confusion, how exactly do you answer a negative question like that?

Sigh. Future Mass Comm. student, how are you going to make it? If at all? XD

So I guess this was kinda random, but random's my way of venting stress. Test is finally over although it feels like they were exams. Didn't do very well for Accounts although I thought I got everything correct. Turns out I got it wrong from the start right till the end, I only passed because I got 6 marks for Question 2 and some things from Q1 right. 0 marks for Q3, so embarrassing.

Getting Econs paper very soon, teacher said we didn't do well. Kinda disappointed to hear that, even if it wasn't just me in particular because this subject is the first to cause me stress and fear. Ever. And hearing that news that we did badly really makes me doubt myself, even if I know I wrote okay. I've never feared a paper this much before. But anyway I thought I wrote affably for Econs, and it really sucks to hear her say that she was disappointed in our marks.

I don't want my Malay paper. Thought I did okay in that too, but I made a lot of mistakes. That 8 mark Komsas question can really suck it. Not to mention the mistakes I made in the grammar part when I shouldn't have...

Science was a killer paper, only because every damn thing I studied was so tough that they didn't include it in the paper. (WHAT? We all expected the paper to be very. tough.) The simpler stuff I didn't really memorise to the letter came out. So I'm screwed, as usual.

Maths was LOL. 58 marks. dropped a lot from what was 80, but the case was the same for most of my class. Such a disappointment. :s Every other paper I really, really don't give a rat's ass for.

And most importantly, my moral folio isn't done. I have two completed, printed essays to handwrite, which means I have six done. I need to write two more essays and then I'm completely done. I think I can do that by tomorrow.

Until the next entry...
- Fire ninja out.

temporal interference.

2010-08-07T01:29:00.003+08:00

for normal, un-mutated humans, these are more commonly known as headaches.

It seems so pointless for me to go tomorrow, considering I originally intended on going only for choir practice (finished PA ages ago) and half the people involved in choir aren't even going to be friggin present.

Or maybe that's just logical reasoning, truth probably includes the extra sleep part and laziness.

I haven't played the guitar in so long. haven't had much time to waste staring in space either. A bit aggravated these few days because the new report I wrote on 85th for CC on another computer refuses to open properly. it was probably 500-ish words, all gibberish now. I don't want to rewrite it from scratch either, because it took me quite a while to find out the events and highlights of that day. not to mention the names of the performers. it was definitely not pleasant for the PC (and every other object around me, really) when I realised the report went from spud to splat.

otherwise, the week's been okay. despite the new time table and all, the week's been bearable what with the choir taking up several periods and the assembly being on Tuesday. it should be 2 periods of Mod. Maths and 2 periods of Add. Maths but my class decided to change it. if anything, it's already a mystery why any one person would willingly study 2.5 hours of Add. Maths. what kind of an enigma would half a class be?

I hope my usual bland and uneventful weekend would be different this week, hope it's the same for you too. now for a lot of water to remove the temporal interference and then hibernation. (who talks like this?)

- Fire ninja out.

Drowning my thoughts

2010-07-28T20:44:00.003+08:00

with music. When consolation and sympathy doesn't offer anything, music offers more empathy and solace. I have to drown myself out, I can't stand listening to myself anymore because it seems like I'm manipulating myself into thinking about crap I really shouldn't be bothered about.

It seems like something's wrong with me if I keep bringing out the worst in people. If I constantly meet bad people maybe it isn't all of them that are bad, but it might be me who cause them to be that way.

Maybe it all adds up and the other end of the equation is my life. A life of regret, sorrow and bitterness. Then that's it, I'm going and leaving nothing behind but a crown on my grave for second best and might-have-beens.

The goods are like dreams I forget easily but the bads leave such deep imprints. I wonder what it'd take for me to forget.

- Fire ninja out.

Heads will roll

2010-07-24T19:24:00.002+08:00

...this coming Saturday at the Hokkien Association building.

I'm seriously going to be slaughtered brutally at the Law Olympiad. Which I'm now happily attending instead of the 85th anniversary. I've wanted to attend the Law Olympiad for a while now, but unfortunately it just had to be the same day as 85th. But! Upside is, I don't have to wear the 85th anniversary shirt which says "I'm Proud to be from Convent" behind it. Bright red.

Saved me from being a hypocrite. Thank you.

I'm strangely not that sore I'm going to be missing 85th. Anyway, I just hope that my team's good. I'm not too sure who's attending now, I spoke to my English teacher to see which I should attend. She didn't really help, instead she was more concern that two Form 4 teams signed up, but she insisted it's supposed to be one Form 4 and one Form 5. So after that I'm very confused who's going and who's supposed to be my teammate.

While I was confident the team from the original debate team will pwn, I'm quite shaky now because a few people from the original team can't attend. Geez. Law Olympiad really just had to be on this day, didn't it.

I've got a pimple. Every month without fail. And I slept so much yesterday too, bummer.

Sigh. Here's to dying a brutal and uber embarrassing death.
Cheers,
- Fire ninja out.

My room is on fire.

2010-07-16T21:46:00.002+08:00

I've got a feeling if I said enough about this, people would throw this back in my face. But sometimes some people must take a rap or two for the goodness of society.

Be honest.

Be honest.

Be honest.

I did say be honest.

These are instructions. I'm not asking. I'm not begging. I'm telling you to.

Be as honest as you freaking can. Scare the shit out of a person or two. Give an old woman a heart attack or stroke. Change a child's life. Destroy Santa's existence. Make fast food chains bankrupt. Verbally diarrhoea all over margarine so people would stop eating it. Spit on pop music so preteens would see how fake it is. Break all norms of society. Just shatter anything normal into smithereens.

I'm writing a lot of drama. Which only means drama has happened to me. I would pretend it didn't affect me at all, but it does.

I can't resent this person because it'd affect other things. But I still resent the simple act of speaking behind one's back. Speaking badly. Just the second my back is turned... but they resume life with a smiling face and the ever warm personality.

How do you know what is true? How much of it is true? What does it take to find another person who is remotely true?

You don't need a streak of meanness to be honest. It also doesn't mean you should project meanness when you're being honest. Break it nicely, just don't believe so much in your principles like me.

See, I'm this social retard who believes that you should not sugar coat truth. But you should. YOU should sugar coat the truth. Unless you have a serious personality disorder like I do and you can't lie like that to someone at all successfully.

Otherwise, it's a homegrown human repellent because almost everyone can't handle truth and will always trust that sugarcoating makes everything better. It does not. It never gets things done, you'll always ignore the problems, you'll remain stagnant until you see the reality.

Be truthful about me. Say it if it's bugging you too, but you don't have to. I know everything by now. Too independent a person to be around with for too much. Rude idiot who overreacts. An asshole of a person who bosses others around. An asshole of a person who can't be bossed around. Brash retard who can't do anything right. A person who gets your way. A person who goes up in your face and says something hurtful. The figure of pure evil and worse. An annoying retard who constantly bugs you. (But that's also because you never let me know you hated me and I just thought otherwise. Anyway.)

I understand that. I know all of it. But that's how I am. No matter how hard I try to suppress it, there is this feeling of annoyance that lingers, and I don't know how it's going to release. I have tried to change myself a lot unsuccessfully. So I gave up. I decided that if these are the principles I'm going to stick to, then it remains that way until I learn a painful lesson about being too blunt. That is not your lesson to teach either. Not by bitching, not by bottling up your hormonal rages and releasing them when I'm not looking.

If you're going to open your mouth to say something evil behind someone's back, literally behind their back, don't. Say it to them. You'd be hated forever but she might change. You won't know until you do that. You might just help her, even if she is someone you hate. It always hurts to tell the truth but you'd have probably saved ones life.

Otherwise, if you're still adamant that you're going to continue b*tching and b*tching about others as long as you live, at least guard your speech. It doesn't need to be vulgar, or mean. Just get your point across - I don't like her at all. Guard who you're saying it to as well... there are too many blabs in school. Guard who's around you. It's not difficult picking up on keywords and then piecing them together to form "Oh my Grape she's so bitchy. Mega bitch." News spread too quickly in our school...

If you're changing, thank you. I applaud it and it takes much bravery to do something like that.

Or, if you choose to remain a coward and speak of someone only behind their back, then I'll pray that you would outgrow your cowardliness quickly.

Thanks for reading,
- Fire ninja out.

2010-07-07T23:27:00.003+08:00

you'll never know this story
this story of pain
this story of sadness
I can't let you hurt me
never again

you used to always be there for me
but now you're caught up in everything
everything
you brought me through waves and tides
I was lost but you carried me back
I was hurt but you hugged me okay
I was sad but you kissed it away

no I can't let you know
do you really have to go

these tears
they were for you
so afraid you would not forget
please forgive me, will you please forgive me
every tear
was fear that you wouldn't forgive me
please forgive me, will you please, please forgive me

my tears
every tear
they were shed
from this fear and feeling
of incurable pain
insecurity
your indifference

maybe I'll bury this hurt and dull the pain
someday I will forget...
but then I remember

those tears
they were all shed for you
so afraid you would not forget
please forgive me, will you please forgive me
every tear
was fear that you wouldn't forgive me
please forgive me, will you please forgive me

I'll remember you
I wrote this to remember this moment
I will live in memories of you
memories of you forever
I write to remember

but I have to let you go
and I'll hold on to every memory dearly
I promise I'll never forget
will you please forget me?

- Fire ninja out.

i see wut u did thr

2010-07-03T23:48:00.002+08:00

Yeah I did. Saw all of it.

Football's a buzz. I realise not because of the obsession with the sport, player or country, but because it's just a distraction you could turn on and then off when the whole season's over.

I realised some people who don't normally pay attention to other football tournaments gain interest in World Cup because it was so easy loving it, most probably when watching it with family.

Otherwise, I maintain that it's an otherwise very boring sport, still involving skill, agility and lots of training, but still the nature of the sport itself isn't very exciting. Unlike safe haven sport like baseball, softball, cricket, it's not as easy to get into football especially when there's a better team than another, you would not see as many exciting close calls or near goals. In safe haven games, the second the ball's pitched, anything could happen.

Still, every four years, people everywhere gather to see men chase after a ball. When are they going to allow women in World Cup teams? They could have someone who could sprint for longer and is more agile, but yet they don't.

Oh well. Old fashioned thinking and idiotic "traditions" remain the way they are - signs of xenophobes still existing.

Cheers.
- Fire ninja out.

Typity typity

2010-07-01T22:16:00.002+08:00

I still remember Nate. (Nateler, where on Earth are you?)

Very, very busy week.

I did surprisingly (too) well for the exams and considering the effort I put in, I don't quite deserve some of the marks... which brought me back to the Science/Accounts whole crapola. I hope, for what is the last time, I can finally let it all go because I don't have time for it.

Again, falling back to routine... doing things to constantly distract me from what's right in front of me and everything that weighs my thoughts.

If only I had been braver and surer of myself, it'd be so different now. I could only watch in regret that I missed all of it.

Now I could only dwell in the empathy music offers me.

Oh Star - Paramore

Remember the happy days and ignore the sad ones. Do not even try to remember what your saddest day is.
- Fire ninja out.

Here's a thought...

2010-06-18T23:12:00.004+08:00

So often and actually, too often we listen to a story and we'd think it's mind-blowing, insane, sad, horrific. It often has a simple solution, but it's hardly ever there. The solution is never money, consolation, and definitely not sympathy.

It is initiative.

I'm too upset listening to how many people drowning to death because they can't swim... I might have been assisting at a swimming school in Selangor right now, if not for Osgood-Schlatter disease, trochanteric bursitis and several bulging discs in my spine. Yes, I am living with all this at barely the age of 16.

But I've decided that since the idea is viable, my biological problems are now the least of my problems, I just need a few things to work. Here's my plan.

I have to get two things to qualify as a coach - at least a Bronze medallion, which is an international qualification for lifeguards that certifies their pool knowledge and ability to give CPR. They don't offer that in JB, so I'd have to get that from Singapore or Selangor. I also need experience from an established coach, which I will get from working as an assistant at a girl's swimming school in Selangor I found months ago.

So, I'm going back to swimming. It's not easy considering mum now works full time and Form 4-5 isn't exactly the free-est school year. But who the hell ever said this plan must be right now? Polytechnic starts in April, if I do decide to go there I'd have four months completely free months to train as much as I want after SPM. It's the only way this will work, since I'd be too busy to do anything for now.

Also, by then I could drive to Singapore for training if I have to. I'm also aware that I'm supposed to be in UK in those four months, but I'd be working as an air-stewardess to work off my Polytechnic bond in SIA. (fingers crossed, please. otherwise, LOL) So that's just a tiny tiny sacrifice.

That's training all set. In case my SPM results are so bad I'm forced to study in Kuala Lumpur, it might actually be for the best because I could get my Bronze medallion qualification in Selangor, where the swimming school is. Then logistics won't be a problem when I'm assisting a coach.

Also, previous BSMM training have already gotten half of my Bronze medallion.

Let's say all of this backfires. Polytechnic has started and I cannot get my qualification alone because nobody wants to coach one student. I'll just print fliers and tag them on those boards at bus stops in Singapore until I find enough people interested.

Polytechnic isn't expected to be very busy, I don't think it's a problem starting training even then.

If I'll get into Poly, then it'd be difficult for me to get experience from a coach. So I'll have to work my way up. I'll just spend some money, maybe SGD 100 on ads, including fliers tagged at the billboards at bus stops and see if anyone is interested in sending their kids off to one-on-one swimming lessons. (so accidents will not happen.) I'll take only three one-on-one classes, so I can train for a higher qualification than the Bronze medallion. This will take up most of my weekdays. If the Poly I'm stuck with doesn't have softball, I'm quite happy to put in all weekdays.

When I'm more confident about coaching, have put on like 5 kgs of muscle weight, have the stamina of a horse and resemble a female body builder (OMG OMG EWW), I'll start on classes of three or four. Meanwhile I'll look for someone else interested. By hook or crook, I'll find someone else who's dedicated at campus (it's all happening in Poly!), they could help me look for more people dedicated to this cause and to spread the importance of knowing how to swim. It should be less hectic at this point, maybe half a week of classes and the rest will be spreading word.

And I've decided, I don't need money from doing this. None of it, none of my classes. If you think of it, I'm extremely unqualified. I just want people to stop drowning to death, is all. I've drowned three or four times before, it was terribly unpleasant and scary. (drowning means to have breathed in water, not actually being knocked unconscious to having too much water in the lungs. People have sarcastically asked if I have died four times before. not funny.)

The truth is, I never needed to drown that many times. I started off swimming classes in a big class, for the money I was paying the classes should be smaller.

So there it is. A tiny outline of my mission to stop people from drowning to death, or perhaps for someone else to find and enjoy the freedom I experience when swimming. Hopefully to save a few suicidal people.

And if never takes off... no, that's a joke. It will, for as long as I can remember the fear of drowning.

What are your plans?
- Fire ninja out.

Bipolar 151st

2010-06-14T02:14:00.002+08:00

I must admit that reading my previous blog entries, even those few on this one page made myself wonder if I was bipolar.

OMG HAPPY.

NO DEPRESSED.

HAPPY.

DEPRESSED.

BANANA.

WHAT?

You get the drill. And the irony is I'm going to make that exaggeration true, this might be a happy post. Maybe not. We'll see.

Returned from the camp almost 11 hours ago, was more an experience than fun. To be compared to Teenstreet '07 is unfair, but comparing it in terms of what I've learnt I must say I've gained more experience at this camp than I did Teenstreet. Conversely and obviously it was more fun at Teenstreet than I did this.

The people over at Teenstreet are way more experienced than this team were hence the fun and orderliness, but in the end to me, it was the people that count because that would be never ending fun, compared to five days at Teenstreet with people I won't meet again.

Really, what I gained from the theme right up to people I met couldn't compare to Teenstreet - Contagious.

So great job, FISH. You'd qualify as a swimming gangster as much as I do.

Otherwise, this is my 151st entry. Doesn't really mean much to me though because half of it probably had two views - one from me after posting, and another from an unsuspecting fella who Googled something irrelevant and clicked a random link. Maaaybe a few had been linked from my FB profile, but who am I kidding?

I'd say I have to stop writing because I'm going to sleep, but that won't be true. So bye.
- Fire ninja out.

What is with this

2010-06-05T01:47:00.002+08:00

endless splotch of sheer and yeah, just terribly tragic string of bad luck?

Aren't You done testing me now?

I have asked for help, I've did my best, but still I had to fall sick, and I have had shit already befall me. Amidst all that, I still trusted in the future that held promise. However... I got in return, mistakes in the one most important paper, my one tiny plan of quite possibly the year had to fail to an imbecile and I have thrown RM45 away for no reason.

Can you honestly tell me if You are done messing or even being in my life? Is there something I did to piss you off in my previous life? I haven't killed anyone. I've done stupid things, sure, but they're all goofy kind of stupid, hardly ever anything serious, voluntarily or for my own benefit. What is the point of trusting in the promise of something good when I have this?

It is not fair testing anyone like this. Taunting the donkey with a carrot on the stick, you place rocks in its hoofs and make it run through hurdles. How could I possibly know if it will be worth it?
- Fire ninja out.

You see...

2010-05-26T03:04:00.002+08:00

I don't get it.

Why should my life suck so when it really doesn't need to?

It does occur to me that similarly to the idioms, "apple of the eye" and "beauty is in the eye of its beholder", a simple change of perception could change my life. Maybe not the life I am having, but at least my outlook of it.

And yet, I can't bring myself to it. I honestly wonder if pessimism would lead to permanent depression.

Why is it that for such a simple problem I am having, as well as the simplicity to its solution, it is so hard to resolve? And the part that hurts the most is that I had the opportunity to stare down my solution, and watch it fly away. It just escaped.

It's like missing a train. Not that you were late and ran for it, no. You were just sitting on the bench staring at it leave. You didn't do anything. But you could've.

Maybe if I fought harder, if my mind was more made up, if I had reason, if I considered the odds, if I thought more of the outcome. Now I would be a happier person.

What do you do when your very beliefs fail?

Hope you'll have a great day,
- Fire ninja out.

Consarn it...!

2010-05-19T02:29:00.002+08:00

The three dots, when said in person, would actually be a very confused but yet forcibly cheery-sounding exclamation mark.

I hate text.

I have never had anything against text before.

Considering my mediocre writing skills are but the only skill I have besides crummy guitar, if you would give me that, and whining, I should suck it and say I love text. But I don't.

My quite-possibly-career,-oh-and-FYI-future is placed where text is, and yet I hate it.

God I hate literature. God forbid me failing literature. I don't even know what kind of questions are coming out. I only scored half the marks of all 5/8/12 mark questions, and I had to refer to the text to answer those.

Story is, neither my tutor nor I expected to take any tests at all this year. He thought I was starting next year, as most of his students. And so did I. He thought he'd teach me a little slower since I'm supposed to start next year. Then, out of the blue and in my face, I have to take a test I'm going to fail because I need to be monitored by the school. Ironically for good results, or I'll be weeded out. I am honestly having plans to sleep through my paper considering the top mark I could have is something along the lines of 6.

Hence my frustration. TEXTS.

Never mind my new huge square pink alarm clock of doom, never mind the pile of Add. Maths homework just staring at me, never mind the (OOPS) PEKA reports which I just remembered 30 seconds ago I should be writing. I'm going to fail a paper I'm supposed to do well enough in to convince my school to let me take it for SPM so their good name isn't tarnished.

Actually, on second thought, that Add Maths homework sounds more like a priority at the moment. I won't be in deep shit for not failing English Lit.

AARGH.

Okay, I'll give me that, the failing and everything. And never mind the... everything else which doesn't matter at all right now.

I should stop using the computer during afternoons. The vortex of hours wasted and procrastinated real life is just mocking me. Every day it mocks me. Even my bloody pink alarm clock is mocking me too.

You know the drill,
- Fire ninja out.

2010...

2010-05-02T17:22:00.002+08:00

Four months in and it's just gets filled with more and more regrets, might-have-beens, anger, depression, depression, depression.

Only thing I could do is to pray and think that tomorrow will be better. And when it's not, reverses to become worse, I could only think that the worse it gets, the better I'll appreciate the slightest turn for the better.

Only thing I could do is to be the friend to others I never had. Quite unlike the one who would walk by, greet "Good day!" and walk right out. Or those who were there, but were completely oblivious or perhaps didn't want to be involved with what hell I've been through. If I got through the worse without a single soul by my side, I'll get through the next two years.

Only thing I could is to forget. When happy times are there, enjoy them as best I can, clutch onto the very last happy memory. Try to be that happy person I used to be even if I was shattered deep inside. Just forget and bury any sense of depression. Maybe if I bury it enough I'll forget it was even there.

I write this not with a sense of liberation that I saw the way out, instead a feeling of anger that I had to be put through this and need to worm my own way out of the sand after being buried alive.

The wrongfully imprisoned, not the free ex-con.

And at the same time have my life running as it should. has to.

As tough as it is, as it may be, I'll be able to get through this. I have to.

So. You. Well-played. But you'll meet your match soon. Maybe not in Sec. school, maybe it won't be me, but soon you'll see. When you eventually become as helpless as a beaten puppy, powerless as a beggar, friendless like me, you'll see how bad it is to have others abuse powers and to bully you, even treat you like objects without feelings. I hope you'll never get to that, but keep it up and you will. It's the worst form of insult anyone could go through. Four-letter words, I say them so much it holds no meaning anymore. Miscellaneous insults... they're full of weak. But this form of treatment; it's as if I hadn't existed. Beyond that even, I get derogated and oppressed like that.

I don't exist; not in your world. But if you're able to harbor such hate for others, you'll be damn sure to soon exist in every gossip vocabulary. Being spoken about day in and day out, won't you be happy?

Signed,
- Fire ninja out.

I'm in...

2010-04-27T22:52:00.002+08:00

the business of misery, let's take it from the top...
- Paramore

It's just that she doesn't have a body like an hourglass nor is she anywhere near ticking like a clock. That aside, there is no difference between the students and I, considering what it was like for the oppressed students in the MV for Misery Business.

So, life's what I make of it?
(Yes, this is another one of those posts that require a lot of deciphering...)

That kind of admirable spirit that cannot be squashed could only exist in those who have always had a bad streak and is forced to accept everything. It is such spirit I admire and could only ever drool over because I'm so easily disheartened.

For someone relatively weak in faith and so easily forget... everything falls through a filter, and sometimes the same applies for faith. If I were distracted one bit, my filter disappears; everything falls through, fails and it's difficult to keep my head on; suck it up and get on with life. And hence my life fails too.

How people do this, I really cannot get. They are such admirable souls I wish I could experience and know how they got through everything. In comparison, my issues are perhaps a brush on the shoulder but I'm already so distracted.

I wish I had the immaturity to stand my ground, do some stupid things and fight back. I might get my way for a while, but I would be such a deceitful person I'll be no different from them. Ergo, I wish I never grew up. Not saying people I labelled as 'deceitful' are all immature, but it's hard to stare them in the eye knowing that they've done some terrible things and then thought nothing of it.

As for me, it will be impossible for drama to not exist as well as have this problem solved so I can't do anything about it. God help me. Only God could help me. I'm not one to be submissive.

I just wished, in a moment of desperation that I never ever saw what deeds have been done and had the immaturity to not know that being deceitful is actually bad. Shockhorror?

And then probably do something stupid, get my way for a while and get hated even more. I don't even understand why I'm hated so much, I don't know what the fuck I did to offend others. I'd say it's my __, but I . in __. I'd say it's my behaviour, but I did do the opposite and it had no difference. I'd say it's my straight-forwardness, but I'd never offend or hurt anyone with honesty. I just wish there was a reason, you know? At least it adds up.

But then I could always be disliked for stupid reasons such as my looks or being that character that they can't rule over. Just something about me I am hated for, I'll come to terms with that eventually.

Don't see any purpose of studying in such an exclusive school when it has internal issues that so greatly affects some others. Sure, we enjoy lots of privileges other average schools don't, we're a high achieving school, blah blah blah. But what is the point when the most basic thing cannot be offered? It's already halfway there... some of the best teachers, just the lack of unity among students kill it. Having half the students struggle with stupid, unnecessary issues like this? We're miserable; I am miserable. Nobody could ever expel things like cliques from forming in a school, especially so in a girls' school. And yet for people who would do nothing intentionally to offend others, we'd still get dictated by such 10 year-old bullshit. I honestly don't see the big deal if we're all pretty on the outside but we're so ugly on the inside where even educators are led on by people like this, and are literally under a younger person's command.

Even old-ish people are affected by this... what about 16 year-olds?

This is really being pushed too far. What is being done literally cannot be in anyway harmful or require disciplinary action, but what is really, really being done requires a snip in the bud. Manipulating even adults, some might need a seat to absorb that. In a nutshell, this is wrong. It's wrong, as simple as that; it's wrong.

I just shudder to think people like this still exist at this day and age, plus in such big numbers.

The scary truth is, one would not need to be directly affected by this oppression to truly be affected. There are also things they do as a hobby besides dictating the world, like ruining another's reputation, creating rumours. Or best of all, just disliking you for no reason and forcing you to the edge of the cliff. We just forget when we don't see it, or if we're on their side. People just forget when it doesn't affect them. So yes, one would not need to be directed affected to be affected. Rumours travel far and fast. Never forget that.

It's all coming from a soon-to-be ex-student. There are people who fight the battle, and there are people to submit to them. But then there's me, backing out from it entirely. Running away from a war not fought so I won't see myself losing; running away from a war not fought so I won't need to struggle.

No goodbyes, nothing. It's just out that I want. End the drama, end my misery. Perhaps save my life. I realize that only very few people are affected by such issues and that the majority of them actually fit in well so it should be my problem. I really do suppose it's my problem and not really theirs. But I'm still very sure that everything I wrote of here is very much true.
- Fire ninja out.

Oh star,

2010-04-27T20:12:00.002+08:00

fall down on me...
Let me make a wish upon you.
Hold on; let me think, think of what I'm wishing for...
Wait, don't go away; just not yet.
'Cause I thought that I had it, but I forget...

And I won't let you fall away from me, you will never fade.
- Paramore

Know this song and it's compulsory you become my best friend. Good songs and bands are hard to come by now...

Or should I say appreciators of good music and bands be even rarer? My English teacher played some trashy pop-culture music in class and it's been mind-numbing.

Mind-numbing.
Mind-numbing.
Mind-numbing.
Mind-numbing.

Yeah, catch my drift? Absolutely, definitely, completely mind-numbing.

I don't understand the music playing these days, there was a song that was completely meaningless and I heard a few lines from the song that was quite stupid. Can't remember what exactly because it was too stupid.

Worst part was everyone enjoying these music.

I would understand if someone fell in love with the Country guitaring and personal, storyline-like lyrics of Taylor Swift, or to some extent, the gayness of Justin Bieber's voice. The rest however, I simply can't comprehend. The trash that plays these days, "Ass ass, jeans, jeans" or something equally rude and nonsensical. People listen to that? Kids listen to that?

That rant aside however, I've been having a kick-arse time (Say it with an accent in your head!) being absolutely miserable.

Hey I just noticed the amount of adverbs in this post so far!

Yes, miserable. I tried to take facts with an open mind and heart, tried to see things through a window and thought the best of every single person, but it's definitely crossed the line this time. However! Never fear, God is here. Justice (...or maybe not.) will be served tomorrow as I step through the gates of hell and His tests.

I think I might be in for a rut tomorrow because there is absolutely no way this is going to end without drama. I'd rather no justice than lots of drama, ergo a reason why I might end up submissive after all. It's just that even to myself, it's unlike me to submit to things and not fight back.

I can't stand this kind of bullshit drama anymore. We're already sixteen, grow up for God's sake. People like you (collective "you", not "you" you) will not survive a second outside Sec. school. I am going to watch how people manipulate you in offices and I hope, as soon as College.

Wow, and I call myself a pessimist.

I'd backspace over everything, but then it would not be impromptu anymore.

Maybe I'll drown this one out with another long post.

Cheers,
- Fire ninja out.

It's not easy

2010-04-16T15:00:00.004+08:00

but nobody said it would be, in its defence.

Apparently I'm Ironlady because I can stand migraine and get on with life carrying along with me a strange ache on one side of my head that gets worse with NOISE.

Ironlady indeed considering the amount of irony in my life.

It seems like hobbies and I are not meant to be. The only one that really took off to some extent was perhaps swimming and swimming only. Any subsequent hobbies seem to get jinxed and axed so quickly it seems like it never existed.

Just when I needed a distraction from all things that are poor and just. plain. bad. in my life.

But what am I to do except to simply bear with this ridiculousness?

And I'm sure the same applies to everything else. Hint.

This 'everything else'...

Its satire is slowly slanting towards rudeness now.
And the irony, sarcasm.
A feeling of oppression, depression.
Any meaning, flooded.
And but of course, the dislike - hate.

I give up playing this sort of game, it's no longer something I might be able to bear with and just tough out.

- Fire ninja out.

...btw, my life sucks.

2010-04-12T14:35:00.007+08:00

I just never learn.

I just never ever learn to trust my gut feeling and go with my instincts, no matter how stupid it may be.

Because it's costed me again. I've caught myself saying this many times -just as I've regained confidence in humanity, it's robbed and then raped to death in a slow, gory and painful manner.

And then I regain confidence in humanity again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

I think this is described by psychological experts as 'disappointment' or 'heartbreak', perhaps even <|3 by hip shrinks. I'd like to call it 'torment'.

Commence rant. Are you still reading? You should click the X button now, or press Alt-F4. Now. Press it. Still haven't closed this yet? Why not? Should I hypnotize you to close this now? Dear reader, you are now relaxed. Your mind is wandering. You see my blog and a red X in the upper right corner. Hover your mouse over it. Slowly push the button down. And you're gold.

For school admins, big names, rich people with lawyers: By continuing to read the contents below in this post, you will agree that no action could be taken (including legal and non-disciplinary such as demerits and forbidding me from ranting in the future) unless an EXPLICITLY NAMED individual has been slandered in an extremely degrading manner. I will take responsibilities for only that.

For all readers: By reading you will agree that you are not to take action should you think I wrote in too small a text or if I wrote something pointedly about you. I will try not to write too pointedly. But names I will definitely leave out.

If you disagree with any of the said terms, you are to stop reading immediately.

I believe I am now legally allowed to write...

FUCK YOU, you fugly bigot!

Do you know what? In a retarded reply to your crystal clear statement, I think I FUCKING HATE YOU TOO.

There are a hundred better ways to tell someone you hate them. Tell me in the face you have disliked me, then it's toots to you. I'd actually respect you for having the galls to say something like that to anyone's face and then stayed the fuck away from you.

It all made sense now, the hostility I was getting in general. You're their favourite; I'm on okay terms with them, but I'm your most hated ergo I'm theirs too. The worst part to this otherwise extremely mundane business, is there was no way I could've had anything to do with it because the last I really saw YOU was in fucking January.

The only reason I'd waste the energy to harbour hate for someone as worthless as you are is because I need to have a reason to feel anger instead of sadness and despair. You're ironically doing me a favour by making an enemy out of me.

You had no reason to hate me besides what met your eye, but of course, you let your ugly,bigoted self take over and did just that. Judged a person according to appearances and first impressions. You're not even that pretty, which is really the part I don't quite get. Pot calling kettle black, you could kiss my arse but it would be an insult to it.

So, a jolly GoFuckYourSelf-up-the-A.hole-with-a-wooden-softball-bat, you gay transsexual.

Endeth rant. Beginth whining.

I thought that should I keel over in my own pool of blood one day and nobody understands why it happened, they might uncover this and rule out foul play.

Life has sucked enough from the very first week of school. I'm under enormous stress that really just doesn't lets up. There isn't a single thing that could distract me from this thought entirely. Nobody knows about this because they're all so caught up with their own lives. It's already been months but school is still as unendurable as it was. Any moment now I could pick up were I left off on the dramatic break down I had in the hallway a month ago. It just takes me five seconds to be distracted from my distractions, to think about all that troubles me and then start tearing up all over again.

I don't know what the feeling was called. I suppose it truly was depression, but about a week ago the feeling I had was just overwhelming. I haven't felt that kind or degree of sad before. It's just... everything felt so worthless to me. I miss having a friend notice that I changed something about myself for that day. I miss having a friend call teacher names and have myself laughing at it. I miss having friends laugh together at an inside joke. I miss poking fun at my friend, but yell at someone who poked fun at them. ...I miss having friends. How sad is that. It's not easy finding new best friends at Form 4, either.

But I suppose after this episode, I will say definitively that I will not. It just doesn't make sense to me anymore. I've been burnt this badly already, I'm definitely not touching it again.

I just wish that someone would even understand what I've been going through. Not expecting anyone to do anything, but it's just... it's nice to have someone else understand every last detail of my shitty school life in the past few months. Even I am aware of it myself; in hindsight they're all very small and petty events, but when it's all put together and experienced every single day it could do even more than tear me down and brand myself worthless.

Maybe I just solved my problem. I just needed another person to understand how I feel and I might not be as depressed knowing that somewhere out there, someone truly understands how I feel to the very last detail.

Or maybe not. Life's what I make of it, right?

- Fire ninja out.

Our voice

2010-03-31T14:41:00.003+08:00

...do we celebrate our new-found power in it or do we smother it in self-consciousness?

Now that Facebook has got a lot addicted, it's also gained quite a bit of attention among teachers to its users - us students. I'm also quite glad I got past internet addiction years ago, but my position is probably like an ex-coke addict being close friends with a current one. It's tough staring at it everyday and not relapsing. A place where none is judgemental or immature enough to ostracise and ignore. A place where you're actually heard.

Flamers do exist, but take it for granted that they're all dickheads and end it there.

Digressed. My point is that our voice - our blog; diary; source of anger-venting - is now no longer an anonymous thing that only your friends could know about. It cannot take more than 15 minutes if you're someone trying to hunt down someone else's blog. It only needs one link from your Facebook profile to find your friend-thrice-removed's blog, and from there the ugly side of you is literally clicks away.

And yet it is impractical turning your blogs to private. Nor is it practical to request your blog's link to be removed from all your friend's blogs.

So do we now guard what we write? Or do we appreciate our new power?

It doesn't take a lot to ruin one's reputation by simply writing about it, have a dozen people know what you wrote and spread it by word of mouth. That is your power.

But then you'd have to guard what you write as well, since it's no longer possible venting anger on it anonymously. Just go LC [baha, you're now a verb] on someone and pull out all the 12-letter words.

Tough pick?

- Fire ninja out.

What happens...

2010-03-16T02:47:00.004+08:00

when nothing you do matters anymore?

What happens when achievements no longer give you a sense of accomplishment?

Maybe because everything else in your life that isn't an accomplishment overwhelms whatever that is.

I might have a lot going for myself now. I don't know, I can't say in first-person. But quite often I hear someone new I meet telling my parents that I seem like a bright spark.

But to some, including myself, I can't even qualify as 'bright' anymore. There was hope for this year that perhaps studying right for two months could get me somewhere. It didn't, and I definitely did not need someone to make it that much worse for me.

Honestly, I wish I had been allowed to study in SAB. I wish I was strong enough to say, indignantly that I must go. That I had to go. Even if I was about to give up whatever little I have accomplished so far, at least it could guarantee that my future accomplishments in SAB will have meaning. Maybe being there, it would allow me to do badly at exams because it doesn't matter too much without competition, or being surrounded by bright sparks... let me right the wrongs on my own terms and pace, not because some bitch threatened to call my parent while accusing me of not studying!

It was my ticket to let myself do badly. And I literally watched it tear itself. Gosh, even if I could not study in the Science stream over there, even if I was still stuck studying Accounts... I will study Accounts and Economics proudly in SAB. Not in fear, shame and self-deprecation.

I don't care about what I want anymore. I don't care about my inherent love for Science, does it matter? Has it mattered?

All I need is being able to do a little badly, and I don't even have it!

I honestly don't need this kind of stress. At the very least, not now. Say I get a transfer tomorrow, I'd tell this bitch that she could suck it. That pretty faces don't matter if you were such an arrogant snob.

I have never met a person, let alone teacher that looked down on a student because they did badly in something. Never. Not in my full year of studying in 3E, because apparently that's where all the undisciplined, lazy students go. But let me tell you this - in 3E, you find some of the purest people, most talented, most athletic people, the most caring friends you'll ever see that the entire school won't even come close to.

So we don't do very well in exams. A few of us forget information at an exam, a few of us cannot study text, a few of us don't want to study text. All of us are still as equal a student as a straight-A student is.

I have never believed that paper qualifications are all that mattered, but I know better myself that it is. Even so, there are things that can never be written on a paper that would describe certain qualities.

Today at Form 4, a proud owner of a test paper that showed my inability in scoring an A for Economics has defined me as worthless to one. But it can't and shouldn't. Not to anyone at all, let alone a teacher. It just says that I was inadequately taught and I didn't put effort in to know, but it can't even say my knowledge of Economics was nil.

To put it down on PAPER, my Economics results have only established that I was inadequately taught on how to answer it and that I lacked the effort to go find out how. It cannot even say that I know nothing about Economics, let alone brand me as a student that could be picked and yelled at because you're menopausal.

49 in Economics was not bad at all for a first try, but apparently because it was one of the lowest in my highly competitive class of students who only care about marks, marks and nothing but marks, I get special attention. To that I say, you can go fuck yourself.

I've wished, prayed, hoped, that I was kidding myself. But I can tell myself I don't have a reason to do that. Some people just are what they are. They're just the most disgusting versions of themselves.

How I wish that I was exaggerating. How I wish that none of this was true, that it was faked. That it was pure exaggeration. But I know for one thing, it's not. Unfortunately all of it is true, if not understated.

I wish I had exaggerated and misunderstood her 'concerned' yell for me to get back to class, despite me having said that I had full permission to be there.

I wish I had exaggerated and misunderstood the second time she had told me to get back to class - where my relief teacher was sitting in what should be my Maths class.

I wish I had exaggerated and said she yell when she didn't. I wish I had exaggerated, in my head, the look on her face.

I wish, I wish, I wish. And I blame myself for being such an idiot in not seeing that it didn't have to be my fault to be targeted and picked on by a fucking menopausal.

And it hurts so much because I know most of what we've studied. I've said this before, scoring 49 for Econs was like scoring 49 for English, I knew most of the information. 13/20 for the objective part wasn't so bad.

It just hurts, being told what you've done wasn't enough and then blaming the results on your lack of effort. It hurts double-time because not only have I disappointed myself after putting in effort, someone else tells you it wasn't enough.

Honestly, three months ago I couldn't even empathize with someone feeling like this. Not even if I found another blog just like mine. Now I feel like I have gone through this more than I should.

This, all of it, is what I mean. I did not have to go through any of this at all, but I still have. One small thing could change and it wouldn't have existed. I don't want to let myself feel this anymore. What is faith? Tell me, because I now need a cross hanging from my neck to remind myself that a God created the world and I.

It seems like nobody sees that this is more than just one obstacle, one bump, or one knot. I still remember a pyramid game I used to play a lot when I was younger. You could push one stone, but when another stone gets in the way, you can't push it anymore. Has anyone seen that this is what that is?

Even to myself, it all sounds so easy to deal with when it's being said, written on paper or in pixels. It all sounds so easy when you're not experiencing everything for yourself, and all at once. Individual events are no big deal, but think about it - the little trickle of sand falling in an hourglass can only accumulate at the bottom. Maybe that's what stress is, they're small, insignificant, minute details but when you put them together it can be overwhelming.

God will never give me a burden I cannot handle, right? But what if I said I didn't need any in the first place? What happened to the image I had of God sharing our burden? I remember there was a cartoon Jesus carrying a sack on his back and had words written inside the sack like, "stress", "worry", "sadness" inside this book I had when I was a kid. God was standing right next to a cartoon child in that picture.

What happened to that picture? More specifically, the image?

Hope you'll have a better day than I do.
Cheers,
- Fire ninja out.

Sweet Silver Lining

2010-03-13T01:36:00.002+08:00

So many people are looking to me
to be strong and to fight,
but I'm just surviving.
I may be weak
but I'm never defeated,
and I'll keep believing
in clouds with that sweet silver lining.

- Kate Voegele.

I'll call 'fit to the T' this song.

I feel like I've disappointed enough teachers with my results; disappointing, worrying people who actually care about me with my despair and sadness and pain and hurt and hate is not necessary.

As much and as strongly as I feel like fighting back, it's easier to let it overtake you. It's always easier to let it.

Isn't it?

- Fire ninja out.

Blank canvas

2010-03-09T04:18:00.002+08:00

A scary sea of white.

He who I speak to...

Why do You test me so?

Test? Detest? There's no difference.

It has become self-loathe and it seems like every solution adds to the problem. It even seems like the problems appear as I set foot on the ground, rather than it already existing and I step into it.

My scrawl is hardly visible on the paper, I wonder if the pencil picked me or I it? Maybe its readability represents how audible my words are.

I do owe the past two months to none other my own doing. But I feel like I did not even have to go through a minute of it.

I cannot believe such is what faith rewards me with, after having proved so much and for so long. I could ignore several individual occasions where something happens to me, but when it's been happening for two months in a row and don't show signs of letting up, it makes me feel really helpless.

Why is it that I could be tortured like this and not be able to talk back or fend for myself? Why is it that none of this will matter when I get tested again? Why is it that it doesn't matter if I always prove myself every time such shit happens to me?

I've never felt helplessness at this level or this much self-loathe before. What have I done? What have You done?

Can't You feel too that the tears of self-hate sting a lot more than just any other tear?

Please tell me what to do, or tell me what You are doing...

- Fire ninja out.

Offended or not?

2010-03-06T18:57:00.004+08:00

Ignore the comment in the shoutbox, not really talking about that.

So my knee problem used to be named a very intimidating Osgood-Schlatter Disease, but I was supposed to outgrow it by the end of 14; I didn't. Now it's a problem which only chondromalacia patella closely fits.

But I've been told by someone I cared about that I probably don't have the problem because I looked fine. Now, do you tell the millions of people with cancer that they're probably not dying in six months because they "look fine"?

Then they went on to say that it was probably caused by my sleeping in when I was younger. It confuses and ridicules me because I can't think of any possible way of how too much or too little sleep could possibly affect a growth spurt.

In my defence, I replied with the truth - what I have now is a residual problem from when I had Osgood-Schlatter, a problem caused by a growth spurt. It did not resolve by the end of the year because I had done too much sports when I had Osgood-Schlatter. I had damaged it further and now it may or may not go away.

The only reason I felt really, really hurt and ridiculed was because I have been told that I might not have this problem if I did even more exercise. This bullshit really makes me feel cross because I probably won't have this problem if I did little exercise, or none at all. I could be all the things I wanted to be now if I didn't do sports at all at the time. But I've been told to do even more of that. So really, what I did was bad, what they say I should do is right. Although it's entirely bullshit, it's still right.

Apparently all the orthopaedic crap was nonsense; apparently each medical term is bullshit; apparently they're just all excuses because what they say is right and I'm wrong. Despite the research I put in, despite their ignorance and lack of medical knowledge. How am I meant to take that, when it opens up an old wound and conveniently says what I did was not enough? That say someone who's missed the train, if they went a little later they might've just caught it. What the fuck?

It hurts because it's reminded me of what I'm not able to do ever since this happened to me. Of regret that perhaps I should've swam less at the time. Perhaps if I had been a sitting duck then, I don't need to be a sitting duck now or maybe even forever.

Those words are no different from, as I wrote on FB, "Oh maybe if you ate all that liver when you were a kid, you might not be dying of leukaemia in six months." How am I meant to take that? How can anyone possibly take that?

I really would not have this problem at all if I simply became a sitting duck when I was 13. And then now they say I should've done more. I had to quit swimming entirely, as well as softball, because I was careless at 13. And then now they say I shouldn't have quit swimming or softball.

Someone tells me such ignorant words, such utter bullshit and does not want to hear the truth because what they say is superior to hundreds of orthopaedic's opinions. A person tells me something so ignorant as it is hurtful that if I was the child in their mind as they wanted me to be, maybe my problems would not exist.

They said that to me, they did. Without even knowing what they've done.

And to the cowardly bastard on my shoutbox, keep hovering on my blog. I know you enjoy seeing me in pain like this. Say it to my face and I will give you five bucks. Bucks, boxes, same thing.

I can't care more. Because the past two months of my Form 4 life have been nothing but fucked up. Because I've been leading a 'charmed' life unlike you. Because the past two months have been fucking terrible. Because I like hate, as anyone else does. Because I like being hated, as much as you do. Because every time I got over a terrible day, another terrible day gets in the way.

Keep hovering, kid; keep hovering. Just remember that deleting your name does not always guarantee anonymity, IP addresses did get me somewhere, and it definitely does not guarantee that God can't see who you are.

And if you think randomly calling me things justify what you've done because it was done to me, kindly do the needful. Think about the good things in your life. Think about all the bad things you have done, including people before me you have randomly called names. Do you think you sustain all of that good things if you continue doing what you're doing? You feel sorry for yourself one day so you load up my blog, a blog kept by a loser, and wrote a bunch of hateful comments because it will tear me apart.

I sincerely hope I'm the first person you've hated, perhaps I look irritating; perhaps for something I've done; perhaps because I'm simply me. Because if I'm the first, fine - you've probably made a mistake, you're immature, you did not know better. However if I'm the second or third or dozenth, God sees through anonymity on the internet.

And to whoever you are, I'm just sorry I had a bad day, because otherwise you're not even slightly significant to my life. I am sorry I had a bad day not because I have stretched your little second of hate on my shoutbox over three inches of my screen, but because I let you get to me. I am simply sorry I let you get to me.

I just remembered why I was so bloody pessimistic about students from Convent. It's no surprise to me how some people are so fucking hateful that they take it out on someone else they hate. Who have had a terrible time and hope they've torn the person apart into nothing.

I hope you've had a better day and that Chingay hasn't been destroyed if you happened to stumble on this. Coward on the sidebar included if you're in fact a friend of mine that I know well.

- Fire ninja out.

Spontaneously grew up

2010-03-02T03:15:00.003+08:00

Honestly, I think I did.

Typing this wide-eyed at 3 am, it just hit me very suddenly that I finally grew up.

In the past when I have been met with certain scenarios, I'd fight back knowing I was right, regardless of who I'm fighting.

I've gone past the age of avoiding the truth a while ago, it then evolved and got stuck at fighting for when I thought I was right. And it ended today.

This morning, although I refused to lie my way out of a sticky situation as any other person would, I spoke the truth to such a person knowing I was right the entire time, but still accepting how I would always end up second best fighting a monolith with words.

I had half a mind of challenging said tyrant's logic on why my idle chatting walking from the hall to my class was more reprimand-worthy than the orchestra of trumpets and drums in a nearby class.

Don't get me wrong; I know I was wrong, but it's just that the reason behind her correcting me has been lost when there was such noise nearby.

I had forgotten that we have been told by the headmistress to not talk when walking. In hindsight, I do remember her mentioning it now, but it did not strike me as something that was actively being enforced because it seems like it was more of a "please try not to" than a "do not".

Another thing I wanted to challenge was why I was the only person stopped when dozens in front of me - who I suspect were out of her range at the time - were making a lot more noise but got away free. I replied with the very one answer I loathed myself - everyone else was doing it - but it was actually a half-assed attempt at pointing out that others should've been reprimanded as well than less of a reason to justify my talking.

And I also think that I had been mildly reprimanded only because I have been the first person to speak the truth and not shrewdly lie that I was asking about something important as others might have. If I had denied that I was talking the entire way, and replied that I was telling my friend that I was in fact sick, the response would be a lot different and she might actually feel bad for yelling at me. I must have been the first person to have integrity to not lie and actually ask for trouble by not conforming to such dictatorship.

More like tyranny, in my opinion.

If picking on helpless teenagers and ridiculing them to feel powerful helps her sleep at night, I think I would've gladly gotten myself in trouble this morning and have had the problem brought up to stupid scales and have myself proven correct.

I wish I could think better of this tyrant, but she had presented me an unnecessary ultimatum ("Do I have to make you write 'I will not talk in hallways' a thousand times to remember?") that really proved my better thoughts dead wrong before said better thoughts could even exist.

It simply did not make sense why idle chatting had been corrected over a noisy classroom. I would have apologized profusely if I was laughing like a maniac down the hallway, but I could not have even contributed to the heavy metal that was the classroom. Was it 4 Science 1?

I think six months ago I might have replied, "No, you don't need me to write it down a thousand times. I can remember it now. But I don't understand why I am reprimanded when I cannot be any louder than that class there."

Which was true. It was in my head, but I simply could not say it to her because I knew I would be fighting a lost cause.

I'm sure it's my fault talking in the hallway, but this is probably the worst of one track minds I've ever encountered, myself included when the switch is flipped. So focused on enforcing rules that the reason for enforcing them have been lost. Like picking ants out of your sandwich, when the entire time you did not realize it was mouldy bread.

I am so disappointed that every time I gain trust in someone, it gets lost so quickly it seems like the word 'trust' is meaningless. Doesn't matter what kind of trust, whether that be helping with something or in this case doing what is just, it simply gets shot down and ripped into pieces.

To be honest, my getting reprimanded put me off-guard and it distracted me a while on my first paper. Eventually I forgot, but if I ever end up teaching English I'll have to remember to never even chide during exam week.

And I so hate myself for skipping Chemistry tuition. Damnation. I was going to go but I was running late and my aunt wanted to go somewhere at 4. Oh well. I have too much to catch up with for Chemistry too. It's too bad Science stream girls are so busy, I'd ask someone to teach me.

Maths definitely sucked today, but I am quite confident that it will not be a terrible mark. It won't be pretty, but not too ugly either. I could not answer a question correctly. The entire day today I had been blanking out... I knew the workings to some quadratic equation questions, but I simply could not apply it to the questions. I did not have time to do one subjective and two objective questions. So in the final seconds when the papers were being passed firward, I simply shaded C on both 19 and 20, then tried forgetting I did that.

Tested out my knee guard more today. It's a good fit, like custom moulded for my leg. But it is quite pointless wearing only one because it does not help me substantially having only one knee supported. This costed 89 bucks for one side but I think it was worth every cent. Easy to say when it's not my money, but even easier to say when it's my knee and freedom. I can finally do everything now. I do have to wear it everyday (Except maybe when I'm in PB uniform, going to be hard getting it off) but it also means that I'll be able to walk everyday properly.

I'm not sure why my problem deteriorated, I have not been walking any much more than I did last year. Maybe 10 metres more because my classroom is further away, but I think 10 metres count for very little. Well anyway, I hope I would be okay enough to play softball in poly. Definitely not possible next year considering how out of shape I am, but at least playing in poly might be possible if I don't get picked for PLKN. Really really miss the game, but I think there's no way I can play it if my stamina can match a sloth's. Or a sloth's can match mine.

Also hopefully I will be able to take the lifesaver's exam this year. I need at least a Bronze medallion but I'm definitely aiming higher. It was something I wanted to do before thinking of assisting a coach, anyway.

So here's for a lovely start tomorrow, History. Lovely. And to my hopes and dreams from today on. Hopefully it will be all good from here, I think I've pretty much dived deep enough. It's time to resurface and take a breather. I don't need a charmed, shiny, sparkly life. Matte aluminium foil will do. Just a little glimpse of hope... the floodlight in the fog. The sunlight after a storm.

It's 4. I'd shower now but I'll wake them up. And I can't study history because nothing more would go in. At least I get the big picture, I just hope I can crop these pictures and paste it into my paper later on.

Looking forward to my first SPM-level English paper! I'm sure it's still wimpy but at least I'm not writing UPSR-level essays anymore. It's probably partial format, but still looking forward to it.

Also considering vlogging again, at least it's easier reporting faggots that promote porn on YT.

L.

Cheers!
- Fire ninja out.

2010-03-01T05:01:00.001+08:00

(21:13:58) * @Hawaii has quit IRC (Excess Flood)

If you read about the tsunami alert, that's just so wrong.

5 am. WHOOP WHOOP.

Hours to spare

2010-03-01T03:56:00.004+08:00

Writing at 4 am, the morning of my tests.

Malay, Moral, Econs, Modern Maths in order.

I have never needed to study for a test in my entire school life, this year might just be the first exception.

And I have not studied, not could I. I don't know what it is but although studying have been easier for me lately, I simply cannot study for this one test. Not to mention my sleep times got messed up. [Not entirely my fault!] I know who won't be getting sleep today.

For some reason, sitting down and studying seems pointless although the occasional word gets etched on the inside of my skull. I am simply not here. It's severe, but not as severe as my writer's block several weeks ago. I am not sure why I've been doing this, it's the first few times I've been a walking zombie and not able to absorb everything thrown at me, be that random facts or what's going to be for dinner in five minutes. I would be more than happy if I blanked during my Sivik classes, because... who needs Sivik classes, right? But the problem is when I go blank, I am blank for maybe a full day.

Whatever it is, it has to stop. It's not like I'm dwelling on something and know why I'm so distracted, it's the lack of a reason -or thought- that disturbs me.

I just worry that I will blank during my Moral paper. I can't imagine failing a paper so early in the year! Oh well; if I do, I do. I'm really most worried about it being an issue to others, it's not an issue to me because as similar to "you get what you pay for", you also get what you study for. I'm glad that the Malay paper will not require too much creative writing, if I get a terrible block again I have no idea on how to deal with it. At least I know I'll pass my Econs paper for sure. Getting a near-perfect grade is something else, but at least I'm certain I'm passing.

And this is just the first day. I'm having History tomorrow, it's going to be very ugly. I wonder why I am simply not able to study for this test, it really is the worst way to break my first diligent streak.

I'm sure God is watching all of this. It (doing terribly in this test) is not really a big issue, it's just that it's terrible how my diligent streak has ended, and I wonder if I can get back on track... I definitely cannot if I get these blanks again.

Also my definition of terrible is borderline fail, not your typical Convent girl's standard of 80 = fail. I wonder if I should be offended, amused or even impressed by such ridiculous standards.

Anyway, I hope I'll be able to take these tests with my very best knowledge and ability. No regrets if I failed Moral because I very well know how much effort I put in. It will be ugly on my record, but I simply couldn't study these few days. I feel like my thought centre is not fitted correctly this morning. It feels like it's tiptoeing on top of my head instead of sitting deep in my chest when I'm fully concentrated. And everything I do does not last in my head, I have to review everything I read or write. Why. Why. Why has this been happening to me? If even a logical explanation would cover it, I'll be glad.

At least I know now that I must review my homework immediately when I have free time, and when my brain's fitted correctly. Just in case my brain's not in one piece for me to cram at the last minute.

Hope you've studied for your test ahead of time unlike me, and I hope it's been going very well for you.

God help me.

Cheers,
- Fire ninja out.

Not living it down

2010-02-24T14:05:00.004+08:00

This is probably the most unjust sports day I've been to. As strong as the accusations are, I have never had this problem before although having lost, and I have good reasons to back everything I say with.

I have not remembered anything like a pre-march test that went beyond baris sedia and senang diri.

I have also not remembered when everyone disagreed with a decision on marching. I'm not exaggerating when I say 'everyone'. I'm talking about PB marching. I was so confident they were going to win, I really could not see any other uniform bodies even coming close.

As for house marching, I would have to say that it was really tight competition today, but for all the rehearsals before I have to say that it was obvious we were significantly better than the other houses. I really don't know where and how we screwed up so badly today. I cannot stomach something like this because we didn't even come in second and I cannot see any good reason to it. Odds are we were last.

Bummed we dropped to fourth, but we don't have as much spirit this year and our number of athletes dropped. Not to mention a few with sprained ankles.

All in all, it's been a terrible day for me, but it might not be half as bad if I at least found out why Michaels had lost marching, and by so much. Same goes for PB.

I sometimes think that thankless jobs are hardly worth doing. It is not that you don't get recognition for it, to demand recognition for insignificant work is ridiculous. It is just that you'd be seen as the blame for wrong - although not openly said to be - but you'd never be properly thanked or appreciated even with your best of efforts, despite whatever outcome it may be. Honestly, thankless jobs really are not worth doing.

Hopefully I could make it to school tomorrow and be able to find out what had happened with both PB and Michael marching today. The teachers could yell at me all they want, throw dagger stares or bored looks, but all I need is an answer and I won't stop until I get there.

I think the school should clarify their decisions and release the scores for all houses and uniform bodies because each spectator I spoke to thought PB was going to emerge as winners for sure.

I also think that a certain teacher should stop placing so many students in Xavier and so little in Michael. It's very real, my class had 3 Michael students and at least 12 Xavier students last year. This year it is about the same, but we have less Xavier and more Teresa. I also can't care if people switch out of Michael in Form 1 [very illogical answer I got from said teacher], new students that come in later should all be placed in Michael to compensate.

Clearly disappointed. In myself, in the school. And whatever else that had disappointed me.

Oi, it's been a tough and very upsetting day. Promoting negative images of self FTW.

Sincerely hope you've had much less of a shitty day.
Cheers,
- Fire ninja out.

Another day

2010-02-16T00:56:00.002+08:00

Another week.
Another year.

And I still cannot believe I'm 16. In Form 4.

But anyway, getting a little worried because nobody's sent me my Moral folio pictures yet. A bit peeved too. Also worried because I haven't had time to do my homework yet. I suppose I could somehow find a way to finish all of it from tomorrow to Thursday.

Seeing Foo and Esther on Friday, going to drive all the way up.

Went swimming today at Thistle. Pool's clean but could be better, and I just heard a story that would make me a lot more aware in the future. Also an opportunity opened up, I have been allowed to assist a coach but it is going to be difficult to be able to do something like that in PJ/Shah Alam. Oh well. I'll figure it out eventually.

Between now and the year-end holidays, I have to get at least a Bronze Medallion which is a life-saving qualification. Hopefully Larkin has something on that. I probably need to get a thermal shirt if I'm going to coach too. It's going to cost a lot considering my money would be reduced to a third when changed to US dollars. And omgosh the shipping.

Mee rebus tomorrow.

Cheers,
- Fire ninja out.

Finally

2010-02-10T22:01:00.002+08:00

behind my homework.

Got a little bit of catching up to do. Got structure questions + ten essays (deeeelightful.) for Moral during holidays, it's the most major. However, first off, I have some Econs. to study, and possibly some work too. (Wonder how I managed to not get my Econs. homework on Monday?) Quite a bit of Add. Maths. A lot of Chemistry to study.

A bit off-topic, aunt and uncle arrived safe and sound, thank the good Lord for that. Anyway, debate audition was... And first rehearsal for marching was a disaster. Complete and utter disaster. Trying to get back to swimming, but I haven't found the opportunity yet.

Exciting news; I'm very, very hopefully getting knee guards fitted tomorrow. Hopefully I am able to get back to at least swimming because some knee guards are made of the same material that wetsuits are. Should not be a problem using them in the pool. I feel stupid for not having thought of wearing knee guards to swim before this.

I also found a swimming school in Shah Alam, hopefully if yet another opportunity opens up I might be able to teach there during year-end holidays. I just need logistics and a bloody place to stay to magically appear from nowhere, is all. Yes. That's all.

And I feel/felt sad about something, but I cannot remember what now. This is so weird.

Oh I just remembered why I am so pissed off.

Cheers,
- Fire ninja out.

Inspiration to write

2010-02-08T22:15:00.002+08:00

is null, with all in my mind now.

I can't write anything at all. Not even my debate speeches tomorrow, not even this blog post [But I figure, eventually, I would turn this into a topic], nothing.

Well, tomorrow/today is going to be a shiny day, isn't it?

There's going to be the audition from 8th period onwards, which starts in the middle of my Econs class. I don't want to skip it because I'll miss a lot if I do. But then I haven't got much of a choice, do I?

I honestly need help. Like mental help. I swear I'll go bonkers soon if I'm constantly under pressure like this.

*deep breath*

So, I can't write even a word for my debate speech, nor can I come up with any interesting points. What am I to do? Impromptu's served me well so far, but I don't think I could rely on it again.

I've simply lost enthusiasm, or at least for now. The one person I need to speak to is probably busy. And then there's the factor of how I am not sure how far I could go. At least in the past I could think, "This is fun!", enjoy myself and live off that energy but even that's worn off. Haven't the clue where it all went. All of it.

I'll still try my best tomorrow, but then it's probably nothing close to the full 100% I could be. Maybe I'm still depressed about the issue, maybe I got demotivated by it, I simply can't tell.

It feels terrible in this position.

After school and some possible crying later, I'll have sports practice. And then at 5:30 I have to leave immediately for the airport, have to be there by 6:45.

That's about it, I suppose. All the enthusiasm has been sapped away from me. I even feel terrible just allowing myself to mope like this.

Have a nice day.

Cheers,
- Fire ninja out.

Lost weight

2010-02-06T19:41:00.002+08:00

and lost sleep.

I dropped 4 kgs and an inch at the waist (ALL MY PANTS CAN'T BE WORN ANYMORE!), and in at least three days in the past week, I've only had 3 hours of sleep at night and have to go for a full day after without napping. And I actually managed it.

And my eating heavy lunches & light dinners really made me drop a lot of weight too. I need to put everything back on! Everyone could do with a little fat, especially in Form 4.

I would really like to congratulate (pretty sure they won't see this anyway, oh well) everyone that did so well on debate yesterday, it was so entertaining to watch. I feel sorry I had to leave during the last debate for a short choral speaking meeting. Sadface. But I have to say that this debate was nowhere as entertaining as last year's, Man-preet agreed with me that it wasn't as 'hangat' as last year's. There was no time limit last year so we practically lashed back at every opportunity we had.

The harsh reality is that not every talented person will be able to go anywhere because only two non-bumiputeras can join the team, I pray that the headmistress would consider sending several teams out because I'm sure even if we're going to send out four teams and ultimately need to choose one, there'll be no regrets. At least the school dispensed all their talent out instead of holding back most of the potential students that would not even get the chance. Eventually the school would bash their heads in when somewhere, the one team sent out messes up or injustice is served. No kidding, the majority of talented debate teams get eliminated for the dumbest of reasons come state levels. It is bound to happen. The best reason given was one given by Mr. Ang about the STOREKEEPER. There are worst reasons, but that's probably the ultimatum. Just pray, pray, pray that the school will send several teams out.

Anyway, I don't agree with some selections for the choral speaking team. It's quite disappointing that some people that spoke well were not chosen for some reason or another. That aside however, it's been a while since I participated in a group competition so I'm definitely looking forward to choral speaking! I was thinking of dropping BM tuition for February only just for choral speaking practices, but then I found out Omega might not allow that and I have to re-register in March all over again.

Not sure if I've said this, but I dropped PA tuition. I don't need it, although Mrs. Yee is a really, really good teacher. I also found out today that some fatass moron said I have a crush on someone because I stare at him during tuition. However this fatass moron also left out the fact that this person sits right next to the teacher, and next to the window. Apparently this is how some Convent girls from 4S2 entertain themselves, they take your name, pair it up with a boy's at every given opportunity, reduce you to a slutty ho and laugh at it. Why is life so cruel to me? I hate the gossips and the rumour mill so much, and yet I get dragged into it as well. Bloody...

I haven't been this ridiculed in a while, at least the last time I shutted them up by saying that a certain Benjamin Choo was my friend since I was a kid. Shut them up so easily it was actually amusing, but this time it's definitely crossed the line because I hardly asked for it.

Why is it that when a girl talks to a boy, it has to be something more than just friends? So I look in a guy's direction, I have a crush on him is it? Are all of this caused by insecurity, that gossiping about someone talking to boys distract others from their inability to be friends with a boy? What are they to do when they start working with a male colleague?

Fucking morons. How sad that such smart people can also be this stupid. Just when I started gaining trust in girls from my school, it drops to the floor and creeps six foot under to hell.

I actually started this entry off with a much more positive note! At least it put me back on swearing, it's disappeared for a while now.

Oh, I've been hooked on One Tree Hill. I'm not so interested in the high school life because I have a feeling it's shallow however interesting it may be, so I am watching from season 5 onwards where they meet up again after high school at I think age 21. It's also the introductory season for *ahem* Kate Voegele, the way she was placed in the story is quite interesting.

I think I'll go bust some bot butt on Counter-Strike. At least they won't say I have a crush on them because I keep turning their heads into a jar of jelly.

- Fire ninja out.

Pot meets kettle...

2010-02-02T23:30:00.002+08:00

Ass meets face...
Farts speak louder than a black bottom, oh oh...
It's dopey to tell her
That I had hated her...
I had paint her hair a different hue...

As high as the building
So high were the billboards
That I had rented yesterday...

And coming from me it was as
Subtle as the rain pouring
down on you like it did today...

Even the proudest one
can shift and can tremble when they see what they saw

Pot meets kettle, ass meets face...
Farts speak louder than black bottoms, oh oh...
It's dopey to tell her
That I had hated her...
I... put her photoshopped pic on TV...

In the days of my stupidity,
I'd follow what you said,
I did what everything you said to do.

But I won't let your bitchiness play me for a fool,
Woah, no, I'm searching for comeback lines.

But as far as my lack of something to say,
was actually me plotting a way against you.

Pot meets kettle,
ass meets face.
Farts speak louder than black bottoms...
It's dopey to tell her
That I hated her, I...
painted her hair a different hue...

Don't keep me up till five morn', no...
I've got Add. Maths, PA and Moral

Yeah well, I know much better than to wait for a classy one
from you...

Pot meets kettle, ass meets face...
Farts speak louder than black bottoms, woah oh...
It's dopey to tell you,
That I hated you, I...
defaced your pic on Twitter.

Oh... yeah... Twitter...

Pot Meets Kettle (Kindly Unspoken) - Kate Voegele.

Now if only I could learn a new strum pattern and get this onto a track. Now's why I envy people with such musical talents. I'm happy with myself... but it's a long story and long stories are always stories told wrongly.

I wrote this as I was inspired by that clip I saw. I shouldn't have watched the clip! Now I won't laugh when I see it. :( Oh well. Geez, even her co-stars on OTH find her talent captivating. And what's with both Chad and Hilarie not returning? Damnit.

Okay, laughs aside, I've actually got some work left until I'm completely ahead of my homework. :D However, I dropped PA tuition so I have tomorrow afternoon off to be completely, completely ahead of it.

Also I am currently involved in the editorial committee for Convent Chronicles, choral speaking [might be forced to quit if it clashes with anything else.] and there's the debate workshop this Friday. Really stoked. [AGAIN, text doesn't do it justice.] It sucks to be skipping PA on Friday though. I might miss out on a lot, but I think I'll figure it out eventually.

OH. I still have Malay tuition on Friday. Oops, forgot. Which means I'll be really late for the choral speaking meeting.

And is it that hard to understand why I'm working hard for Add. Maths although I'm dropping it next year? *sigh*

In more ways than one, I'm glad that I'm finally busy. I'm glad I finally got things to do, it seems like I perhaps think more of myself now that I don't feel as much of a lifeless bum idling away their time. I still do, but at least I have things to occupy my mind with.

It kind of sucks when it struck me, oh-so-suddenly that I am one of those people now. Those that would never ever talk, but then they'd have something that surprises the shit out of you. I remember watching seniors that I never thought had a knack for speaking, speak well. I also remember classmates I had inadvertently looked down on because of the way they carry themselves, but then they really surprise me with something.

It honestly feels terrible, especially because of my previous count of arrogance that sometimes caused me to think badly and condescendingly about others.

I wonder what changed. I still do. I wonder why I care so much about homework; I wonder why I'm so self-conscious; I wonder why I'm such an introvert now. Something changed, but I don't know what did.

ALSO. I managed to irritate myself. I get interrupted saying prayers/talking in my mind so I never ever finish them. <.< I really wonder how I irritate myself, but there's always a first.

I looking to going back to swimming. Hopefully I can. And hope and hope and hope I do.
*sigh*
Cheers,
- Fire ninja out.

Seeking solace

2010-01-31T05:30:00.002+08:00

with music.

It's the first for me to feel really terrible and not be listening to the ear-splitting music.

Also this Kate Voegele's songs [Almost all of them] can easily be made into high-larious misheards by Cath. I swear I heard strange words like "abalone" [still don't know what it should be!], "anger" and "angle" instead of "angel", etc.

Heavy metal and pop rock are two entirely different kinds of amusement, but I listen to softer music now. I suppose I care more about the talent that I did what it sound like from the start so it doesn't bother me. It's been months since I've listened to really noisy music. Shockhorror!

It's so difficult to find talent that deserves fans. I don't know what it is, but even talent with the X-factor don't make it big.

There was marching training today. Needless to say the same words apply this year - P.C. and "puke blood". I don't know what it is, but it's just not possible to be both involved and nice to others without getting stepped all over, or be awfully strict and get talked about. "I should just hold my tongue but someone's got me undone."

It feels terrible in my class - actually in school entirely - to not be able to fit in. Honestly I feel like an extra jigsaw piece. My class is completely dominated (as is 4SC3, but they have it a lil' better) by Chinese-ed students, and if it wasn't already difficult for me to fit in last year, it got even worse this year.

In reverse, I cannot imagine being a Chinese-ed student and have people around me jabbering away in English. It's not difficult at all for me to imagine how terrible it'd be, and add to it the fact that the school's pro-English too.

Urgh. Speaking of English, I wonder if I should correct several mistakes made by a teacher. Maybe that essay we were give to copy was written without re-reading, but there's simply too many mistakes to be ignored. And then if I corrected them I'll seem like an arrogant snob, wouldn't I? Oh well, I'll figure it out eventually. I'll probably wait for someone to tell her and keep my mouth shut.

I might drop my PA tuition, as much as I do not want to. Mrs Yee is a very good teacher but I don't find PA tuition very necessary, and I could use having my Wednesday afternoons free. [Damn, my school teacher's too good.] I could probably teach swimming or pick up guitar lessons on Wednesdays. I cannot drop my BM or Chemistry tuition. Especially not BM, although its on Friday. Groan.

I've given up trying to take Chemistry. As much as it's a right I am entitled to, it's much too much trouble for the school to arrange something like this for me. So I'm taking English Lit., studying it through correspondence. According to the tutor it is impossible to fail the paper, so who cares, right. And since I'm starting in F4 I'll have a head start and a full year to decide if I want to take it.

And then finally, I'm so fed up with Add. Maths I'm just going try my hardest but I'm dropping it next year. As if I don't have enough trouble with Modern Maths. It's such a time-consuming subject to study. As of the entire Jan, the most amount of work I have so far is Add. Maths. Not even History could rival it.

I think I have eight homework, at most four is due Monday. It's not that much work when it's combined, so I'm not feeling so under stress right now. I might cut sleep and wake up at 1 because I have somewhere to go tomorrow. Hmm.

I hope if I get a free day I could perhaps find a piano teacher that's flexible and could teach me only the mechanics of playing [Chords, arpgs., etc] instead of just playing and practising songs I'm not interested in. Obviously it would come with time if I continued playing songs I dislike, but really, if the interest isn't there, nothing goes.

Also if I took guitar lessons I'll probably just get an express class or get a teacher to give me a crash course. I'm sure I can figure out everything else myself. Not like I'll be able to finger-pick with the length of my fingernails. [<.
I almost forgot - there's a debate workshop again this coming Friday, and then the first choral speaking meet-up after 12:30. Quite stoked. [Okay, text doesn't do it justice.] It's the same speaker this time, how I wish he could actively coach us. Not happy to skip PA on Friday though, might be a little behind since tuition and school is very much different. Also I have tuition later on that day! Argh. Hopefully choral speaking doesn't end at like 4.

I lost weight! Lost at least four kilogrammes, I've been losing weight since my extraction. I now eat smaller meals. Not sure why, but I'm quite sure it's why I lost weight as well. Not eating insane, two-man sized portions of food anymore. And now I cannot wear both pairs of jeans anymore because it's too loose.

I think I might go back to swimming, or if anyone is interested probably teach them swimming for free too. So often I read about young kids drowning in water, I feel so obliged to help some of them at least enough to save themselves. Teaching younger kids to swim properly is not an easy thing to do, especially not for an under-qualified person like me, but I'm sure I am able to impart at least something that would stop them from dying a terrible death.

And when people say 'I drowned', it's not necessarily 'to death'. A column in the papers once pointed out that to drown is to simply have water in the wrong place. Not sure why I wrote that here but it's too late now, isn't it?

Okay, a bunch of people just noticed I'm bo-ge after I spoke to them within three feet. I thought everyone knew I was toothless. I guess not, good news for me. However it's quite clear I'm toothless when I smile though. Try as I might, you can still see the top half of my bottom row of teeth.

Oh well. Enough all-over-the-place writing.

Cheers at 6:40 am,
- Fire ninja out.

/me klutz

2010-01-23T00:22:00.002+08:00

Honestly I think I'd need an endless roll of paper to list down the amount of times I had almost tripped, fell down steps, fell up steps, accidentally cut myself, amount of paper cuts... bumping myself accidentally on furniture [for some reason the furniture in my house is EXTRA pointy. Honest.], having pens fall to the floor, having water fall out of my mouth while still drinking, the amount of times I drooled, the amount of times I dropped something.

Typing all of that actually made me laugh. How sick, I'm laughing at myself. exDee.

Anyway, finally got around to getting Kate Voegele's albums. So not surprised that her first album's full of generic sounding songs, hopefully her second's better.

Today I fucking got laughed at in the face when I had revealed to someone that I intend to take a Diploma in Chemistry after SPM as the reason why I wanted to take the Chemistry paper. Obviously I mean to take a Degree and go find a job after, but my question was addressed to "what do you want to do...", not "what do you want to be...".

How an educator could laugh at a student like that is really beyond me. I'm not expecting an educator to hide her contempt. I can ignore the profession, but I'm more surprised that a person at that age hasn't matured yet - speaking to others in contempt and condescension as well as her signature jeling. [A few other people told me such treatment is very common]

How could someone at that age not have grown up beyond such childishness? I find it funny when I was reminded, teachers that didn't pick the profession, had they worked harder as a student they won't be teachers today.

Because really, being a teacher is a noble job. However if you are to teach always having the thought that you are the most learned person within the four walls, that is wrong.

If learning is a lifetime process and commitment, you're already the dumbest because you don't learn. Nobody in Form 4 does things like that. I'll admit there are very, very few people that are not as nice as most, but they at least don't speak to everyone with such contempt, and constantly too.

Even if there is a carbon copy of one like this particular person in Form 4, this Form 4 carbon copy is several decades younger than this person. Ergo my point - she's the dumbest for not having learnt and fix herself at that age. Ouch, the truth hurts doesn't it? [Oh I'm so getting expelled. Give me a year, it will happen. It's a matter of time before someone gets fed up at me.]

As far as I know, there is only one student that is really, really terrible. She speaks with a permanent sneer and speaks in such manner that makes you want to reach out and bop her. I feel disgusted just bringing this person up. Otherwise, the worst you could get from most other students is probably gossip, which is ever-present.

I think I fell. In love with this Kate Voegele's voice! I wonder how people with voices like this started out. It's simply the voice, it's not like Hayley's big and wide range. Actually I think Hayley's voice is a bit high anyway. This Kate's is like a mix between Kelly Clarkson and Christina Aguilera. AHA. I was wondering who she sounded like. Baha, new idol maybe?

Cheers,
- Fire ninja out.

Choices

2010-01-20T03:58:00.002+08:00

As much as I'd like to do PA with English Lit. and get away with passing SPM the easy way, I agree with my beloved Teacher Meera that it's an utter waste knowing I'll be able to do at least Chemistry and do it well. It's an utter waste of an automatic A1/A+ considering I'd have to put in effort for Econs. (however little) and possibly a full year of minimal work for Accounts.

I did say myself that accounting is easy, but I find it a shame if I had managed to learn what I was supposed to in three months, in two hours. There's simply no challenge if I already understand what I'll be doing in the next two years [Yes, really] in two tuition classes.

Very simply put, being in PA makes me feel like there's just something else I could rather be doing, do well, as well as enjoy. Even if that means I must study for it, even if that means I'll struggle to get by.

I still wonder if it was sensible or just plain stupid to not have told anyone the reason why I had studied so hard in PA. I needed help but since nobody knew what I was doing, didn't get any.

And yet, with everything said, I still strongly believe that studying something I like in such environments as in my current [cough] school would probably be enough to make me not like it.

Then there's also the factor that I won't be able to do well in other things like debate in SAB. I already know it's an automatic win for Convent for this year/my form because even before training, we've each got a little experience of it. Although the school will take their own sweet time to start debate training, I think with the talent that we have it is possible to do well even with a few weeks less of teamwork, drills and preparation in general.

School.

Cheers,
- Fire ninja out.

Irony and nerves of steel

2010-01-16T21:09:00.002+08:00

Irony
I find it rather ironic that all the friends I was always there for at their lowest aren't here to catch me when I've already fallen and sunk past my head.

I find it rather ironic that despite me using my cell very infrequently, I could not have lived without it today, still despite getting little calls or little messages. That for once it was more than a mobile communication device, it was a mobile hope device.

I find it rather ironic that in times of need; in times of despair; in times of hopelessness; it's teachers I turn to - not my friends. Doesn't that spell out "I don't have any friends" even louder, even clearer?

I find it rather ironic that so many things could happen in a day - nevermind a week. How could it be that a day could seem so much longer than weeks?

Nerves of steel
I really hate myself, or whichever part of my brain [hypothalamus?] that controls my emotions because I really hate crying. It's not that I enjoy bottling up my feelings, but crying is time-consuming and interferes with doing things. And your nose instantly becomes a tap of snot.

I feel like I always cry at all the wrong times, and too frequently. When I start becoming an emotional wreck, I'll start crying over the smallest of things, over the slightest mention of something. Yup. It's that season again - the dilemma(s) is/are back.

I simply can't stand watching a person that watched me grow up from the mixed perspective of both a surrogate parent and a teacher get insulted this brutally. In fact, at all. I don't think someone whose intentions were for someone else's betterment should be judged simply because it caused upset or inconvenience. I was not brought up by my school to forget that teachers have to be respected.

Nor was I brought up literally by myself [considering] to learn that good people are not abundant. Therefore, keep them close and do whatever you can to maintain that.

In hindsight, I didn't have to cry. This issue did not have to be handled so poorly. My teacher did not have to be insulted. My problem could've been solved, should there be a line drawn between 'absurd' and 'protective'. It is so strange that at times it seems like I'm like the goldfish being dropped into a bowl of water... the sudden change of the temperature is likely enough to kill me. Goldfish are very sensitive beings, you soak the bag in the bowl first so the water around the fish is warmed or cooled, then the bag is removed.

In other times, I feel like a tiny dolphin that suddenly got caught by a trawler net along with a lot of other fishes; as the fisherman hoists the net, the weight of everything slowly crushes me.

Between being dropped into a scenario and expected to know what to do, and being told what to do in a scenario I'm familiar with, I honestly don't know what choices exist. Think of it like dropping a person into a water and expecting them to know how to swim, and teaching an Olympic swimmer how to float.

Both scenarios are the very opposite of the scale. I don't understand why my life is constantly dictated by either. Is it not too tragic a difference? One seems to insinuate extremely uncaring or maybe supportive behaviour, another seems to insinuate constricting, over-protectiveness and paranoia.

If you could even put yourself in my shoes, you have my salute. Yes, I'm blessed with everything I do. Yes, I cannot pick my family. I'm just saying, it shouldn't be like this. However, wanting to be a good parent by forcing yourself to let go some of your existing paranoia or over-protectiveness is being untrue to yourself, which directly opposes my principle of being honest and being true to yourself.

Sc/PA conundrum
The truth is out.

I withdrew my class change appeal and rejected the offer altogether because I don't think I could've studied Science in Convent in a million years. I want to have the opportunity to do "badly" and then challenge myself to correct the wrongs, right the rights, as I did for PMR.

However in Convent, surrounded by 5+ A students in the Science classes, what chance do I have of doing that? What are the odds of me being able to do poorly or as well as I seem fit? It is actually unnatural to know everything, since it directly opposes the age old and proven adage, learning is a life-time process. It is the perfectionists that are ruining the school life for others, or me at the very least.

I was perhaps struggling in PA, I figured, because I wanted to prove that I could do well in PA and I didn't need to do something I liked to do well in it. So I asked for too much of myself. A 3-A's-at-best student. I was going to try for straight A's for UF1, ergo why I studied so hard and overtaxed myself even just a week into school.

For a long while I wasn't sure who I could talk to about this, but then eventually I looked at what I was going after and decided it was madness to even ask myself of it. Later some sense was spoken into me as I learned, again, that it is normal for a student to do poorly in a few subjects. Shockhorror, at that time. Yes really.

I haven't breathed a word of this to even my parents because I thought all I needed was time to slowly like the lack of studying in PA classes, compared to Science. Obviously these words are true, but in the very back of my heart I knew that it would only apply in Convent.

Prior to today, I had never understood why I had gotten that message to do Science [Honestly, it was from God] despite my circumstances - not wanting to study Science in Convent, and not being able to switch to a neighbourhood school.

But then what baffles me now is why I had delayed calling the very one person I trusted for advice on something like this.

Carnival
It was really fun. Also the very first time in years I had actively taken pictures of others and maaaybe self.

My work didn't involve much, although I chipped in a little on selling drinks. Honestly the 'ice jelly' tasted exactly like the one in the Pasar Malam. To think he charges so much!!! I had thought gelatine costed a lot, but I suppose that's not true now. He profits at least 70% per tub sold. He sells them for something absurd like 10 bucks per tub (which lasts something like five to eight mugs) but gelatine only costed RM 2.50 per 1.25 litres. That's a lot. On hindsight, it costs him next to nothing! Now I know that fella's secret. I should go find out how the syrup is made.

Rambling aside, I sold two of my tickets. I didn't actually spend a lot. I bought a drink for RM 2, then sold RM 3 tickets (exchanged money for tickets) and the other RM 5 went to two tubs of Pringles.

I did quite a lot of work today - very first thing in the morning was to carry a bag of ice from the Mother Mary statue, up the slope, the stairs, across the field, to our stall. At first a classmate of mine and I tried to carry it with our hands, but that didn't work. So I pulled my sleeve up and placed the ice on my shoulder, then we switched shoulders when we got numb. Worked better than I expected.

Before the first batch of joggers returned, I seized the opportunity to walk around and snap a few pictures. Then after a lot of standing, a lot of getting bitten by mozzies, all the ice jelly sold later, I went to sell a ticket to a friend. Then wandered aimlessly, wandered some more, even more, then returned. I was like a homing missile. It's just, the homing missile me was constantly lugging a biscuit tin full of bits of paper.

I found little spaces of time to take pictures for our Moral folio. I've got pictures for Judith's, because she happened to be doing work and I thought I'd help her with hers.

When the carnival was almost over, I had to make an announcement on my teacher's behalf to call everyone back to help clear the stall, where which they cabut-ed anyway... I lugged a big table with several others, but the hall was closed so I went back up. Later lugged two tables down to the new hall via bilik seni.

Went back up only to be greeted with more grunt work, because honestly everyone left early. So cleared up a bit, then I was told to bring extra stuff home for Hari Keusahawanaan in June-ish. Later when we were officially dismissed, went to the staff room to count the money with Cik Fatimah and Cik Mas. Funny thing was, after having lugged a BIG bag of styrofoam stuff to outside the staff room from the field, I sat down, tired, only to be greeted by a teacher's husband changing the diapers to their baby. He asked to be excused for the smell. Be reminded that at this point I was hysterical, tired, probably looking like a lunatic and very sweaty. But then after all I didn't smell anything so it didn't really affect me. :p

Cik Fatimah was so cute, she was a little slow arranging the money because she was talking to Cik Mas, was on the phone so she did everything one-handed, and the following conversation took place, "Cikgu, cepat sikit." "Oh, cikgu lambat eh?" *Arranging one note at a time* I was arranging notes by the handful. So yes Cikgu, betul-betul lambat. :p

We could not count the money there and then because we simply had too many notes, so I brought them back and...

4 PA 1 made RM 1264 + RM 23! BUT this is not even untung kasar, because I'm not sure off-hand exactly what we used so far. Otherwise, I think we did very well, considering the capital we started with.

I'm just a little disappointed at the people running away when they had to do grunt work, they left the glamorous work for themselves, made sure they were seen long enough doing the grunt work, then away they ran. I wish I have the word right now to describe the behaviour, but let's not force it.

After the Carnival I went to Danga Mall for lunch. There is a Japanese restaurant called Hokka Hokka or something. It's really really cheap food. I don't understand how they do it, but a lunch + side dish was only RM 11. Definitely student-friendly.

When I finally got back home, I pulled off my socks, put on slippers and started sweeping leaves. The tree outside my house is starting to bald. It's quite pretty when it "rains" leaves! However guess where the leaves end? Your porch, between your plant pots, inside your longkang, in front of your house, often inside your house. Then I realized that although the pile of leaves outside my house is fun to kick, I should remove them because that's where all the leaves from my porch comes from.

My mum insisted the pile of leaves prevents leaves from going in but then I figured, it's going to happen again soon anyway, so why not just remove the leaves and do something for once. So I got a garbage bag, got my mum to move her car, and I started to 'kayuh' the leaves. It only struck me, when I was half-way removing the leaves, that I should take a picture for the Moral folio. Then I heard a familiar car horn behind me, and my dad was back. As soon as he got out, he lent me a hand. He did the work a lot faster than I did because I refuuuused to use my hands to lift the leaves. I don't mind dry leaves, but one of our neighbours uphill washed his car right before I went to rake the leaves. So half of it was wet and disgusting.

*sigh* Instantly I could already say that this day alone is far more eventful than the last week, as detailed in my previous blog post.

Cheers,
- Fire ninja out.

Eventful week

2010-01-15T13:25:00.002+08:00

The following is written out of order.

I have had black circles around my eyes since Wednesday. In my entire history of sleep deprivation, over-sleeping, irregular sleep patterns, it's my first time it actually did something to me. In the past I had always felt sleepy in all the bad times, but now I could stay awake and feel energetic although I've only had a few hours of sleep the night before. I think I finally grew older and don't need as much sleep.

Maybe JM said I look more mature because of the black circles. :p

So far this week, I chased away a reporter. She was about to interview a few students [almost me] about the Allah conundrum. I told her there had been an incident last year and that we shouldn't be talking to reporters. It was a white lie, but at least she went away. If you did not understand why I did what I did, consider the following.

- She interviews a student.
- In this interview, laden are difficult, very, very sensitive questions that require a lot of thought.
- This student says something controversial. It is inevitable as there are two very opposite sides to what you think of this issue.
- Reporter twists this student's words. Again, inevitable because we all know how unscrupulous and desperate reporters are. I think during a competition YHE was asked about something, and only one sentence from what he really said was published. The rest was tokok tambah. It was quite shocking at first, after I saw second hand what the reporters did, but then as I grew older I realized why they have to do this, and that they'll never stop doing this.
- Student declines to be named, thus shirking ALL responsibility to the school. Possibly degrading the school, tarnishing our name.
- OR, student is named, along with school, tarnishing both names. And then other papers want to ask about it.

I think the school owes me a lot of merit marks for chasing the reporter away. I tried telling a teacher to look out for this reporter but she ignored me!

Today I cut grass. With scissors. And then why do all of you ask me, "WHY?!" Obviously the grass was too long; ergo why we cut it. Why else am I cutting grass? I don't have a reason to vandalize the field. At first I, along with three other friends were contemplating if what we were doing was for better or for worse. Better being our stall is neater and our customers [always find it odd saying that] won't have to eat in tall grass. Worse is having our actions being mistaken for vandalism.

Fortunately, Cik Fatimah and Pn Geetha was fine with it. They both came over when we were half way cutting grass. Cik Fatimah even took a picture of us! How embarrassing. I didn't know why she told us to smile, then she called me, I turned, and she snapped a picture. I'm surprised the teachers didn't pause to laugh their hearts out at us, they smiled at us diligently doing menial chores but they hadn't laughed. Aww, how nice. :D

I went to a cheerleading audition, I hadn't realized dancing was so fun. I feel very bad for students in such terrible positions where they have to reject students and make them feel bad, because she seemed apologetic [looking, not verbally] that she had to axe a lot of people who tried out. Is it very surprising that I went there for fun? I didn't go there with a true purpose, just to have fun and see what cheerleading was all about, and I suppose the audition was going on at the right time. She seemed surprised when I said I was there for fun. Oh well, I'll figure it out.

I can't sell my tickets to anyone. I asked someone to go but they wouldn't and now I am stuck with three tickets! I had originally planned that I might sell it for half price, provided they use their tickets on our stall. I don't mind contributing Rm10 to the class, because I have monetarily contributed little. Later I found out that it should be easy selling the tickets for full price, so I might sell that, or stick to my original plan.

I feel really rotten because I told a teacher what my classmates thought of her. She wanted to know if she should teach faster or slower, and I spoke about the class, then told her that my classmates said in our English class that they thought she's really smart, but lacked teaching experience. It's true; my actions had good intentions that overrides the reality of its consequences, but I still feel terrible that I broke the news to her. She's really nice and I feel that I've let down a hard-working teacher by telling her it isn't good enough. [Been there before.]

Such is why I think teaching will be the last profession I might consider because of the sheer scale of 'customer service' you have to give. If you're a salesman, you'd only need to watch someone being rude for 15 minutes. If you're a businessman, you'd only need to tolerate a person until they have signed your contract. If you're an insurance agent, same same.

But if you're a teacher, not only do you have to give them extra attention if they're doing badly in your class, but also tolerate their lack of respect despite your respecting them, and if you had disrespected them you'd always be blamed because you are mature. You'd always have to be disappointed by students that say things about you although they seemed different, or you had thought them to be hard-working and they're not. The list probably goes on, but the one thing that really is the worst part to being a teacher is that it's a thankless job. A teacher's salary is nowhere enough to need to tolerate this amount of madness.

That said however, I have been told that perhaps the most rewarding thing a teacher could possibly get is a simply 'Thank you, teacher'. It doesn't have to be pretty; it doesn't have to be perfect, but this small verbal token of appreciation is probably more than enough to make some teachers keep at it and go through their days one at a time.

I really feel angry when someone had told me, or if I have heard these words - it's not enough. Referring to one's hard work. Which was exactly why I hate myself for telling my teacher what my classmates thought, and also why I hate someone who had said these words to me. [No, not my mum.]

"I'll work really, really hard"
"But that's not enough."

Do you have any idea how scarring those words could be? Not to mention the contemptuous nonchalance [oo big words] it was said in... It's honestly terrible how this person did both - say such words, and in such tone.

Digressing from such a disappointing subject, going to the same Chem tuition [Teacher Meera of course] with Thivitaa! I heard Beverly was going to be there too. And possibly like a few thousand others. Whatever it is, I'm quite excited to start on Chemistry. No, I am not taking the paper because my school would rather commit genocide, but I'm going for the tuition to learn the syllabus at least.

I also found out from Pn Niaida that credited money will always result in off-balanced penyata kewangan's. Ish. To think I took an hour to balance it out, now it's all wrong anyway. I realized from looking in my textbook that we are doing something much ahead of what we are. We have yet to learn where what money goes, which side, which accounts and we're already doing this. [Tuition] Tuition is good though, it's pretty advanced and accounting isn't that hard anyway.

Stayed back for 15 minutes and looked for Cik Nor Firdaus, she taught me a Form 4 level question in Form 3 level maths and honestly I didn't know how to do it. I was reminded about how terrible I was in the factorization/expansion/substitution chapter. And also how I almost failed it. Not a proud achievement. Not at all.

First marching training on Thursday, skipped Carnival meeting and went down to the field [I did have permission. Don't skip classes], overheard someone saying there is no hope, chided them on it. Went away. Reminded them again not to say that. Then I was about to tell them a few things but then recess [mine] was over. On the morning session's practice I made sure to say what I had to say, although they were almost late for their classes. [Xavier and Teresa was kept much later. Honest.] That Li Chin. Told her to come over but then I finish talking only she walked over. That's why you don't just run and jump at the sand pit. You lift your legs and push them forwards. Someone crippled also can teach you. I know it's easier said than done, but visualizing in the mind always helps.

On the same day before my training I had eaten very delicious honey mustard chicken chop at Living Room. They revamped their food, it's on a much higher class now. It's not like most other Malaysian restaurants, their food are not those that are pre-prepared and then simply dropped into oil until the meat's turned white and served. It's actually cooked long enough for it to be pink, but the skin was really, really crisp. It was such a surprise to have been served such a nice meal. I'm definitely going there again soon.

Okay, I should take a nap before my Malay tuition in a bit. Time flies in it, but I still dislike it a lot. I like it because it's very relaxed and you're not rushed to finish objective questions within five minutes. Instead you do a little work, then it's explained, a little more work and even more explaining. It's mostly the teacher talking. However compared to my Malay tuition teacher last year, he is not as good. But then again, to compare someone writing speeches for the PM to an average teacher is comparing apples to oranges.

Tuition's 4:45-6:45 methinks. A lot of other schoolmates end class at the same time. At least I still see Sze Pei. :p

Cheers,
- Fire ninja out.

4 PA 1

2010-01-07T19:59:00.002+08:00

Now, before another tide crashes on me again tomorrow, I'd just say that I think I'm blessed to have been placed in 4 PA 1.

Yeah, I'm one contradictory person, aren't I. I think that I should do okay this year without needing to study much [Phew] because I've got some great teachers this year. Here's to me being able to keep my head screwed on right and still be able to do all my work for the entire year.

I'm quite confident that short of Aussie teams, Jagex releasing RM 10/month subscription, I have finally ran out of things to do. Honestly.

So honestly there shouldn't be yet another downward spiral this year. Unless of course, only one thing that would remain only in my head. Well, two things. But the second is less likely than the first, so one it is.

I can't believe it took me so many years of obsession, compulsion, addiction, what-have-you to outgrow the internet.

I was trying to find out more about the Law Olympiad, but then also found out that it's actually not an annual thing. Too bad.

Cheers again,
- Fire ninja out.

Four days in...

2010-01-07T16:12:00.003+08:00

and still I feel the same.

It simply got worse. But on reflection after cry session number 2, I noticed that it was whatever left of my bad day yesterday, carried forward.

It's not fair to say it wasn't my fault, and also that it was. For today. I don't understand where all this is coming from. Did I happen to do something that started a bad luck spiral?

I don't understand why everything has to slap me in the face when I've already tried so hard. I might as well not try and do my work at all. It won't be any different. I'm not sure what changed, in the past if I had been reprimanded like this I'd think about it for a while, but I'll eventually forget. Honestly, I don't understand what changed.

I wish I had the choice to be able to switch schools. I can't care if the class is going to be noisy or full of distractions. The only reason why I'm not allowed to switch are because of over-protective parents and their distrust in me. How could it be that they stopped at "no" as the answer? It could only be that they have a gut feeling it'll be terrible, as well as they could not say why.

I don't know, this stress is terrible. There's nothing I could do about it either.

I'll figure it out.

Cheers,
- Fire ninja out.

2010-01-06T23:18:00.003+08:00

I was taken aback when I realized I couldn't handle everything. It's all tiny matters but they really add up. It's my first time experiencing something like this. Stress at this level. Hysterical, wound up people being around me don't help, they just add to the mess. People that meddle over the tiniest of things. Sweat the small stuff but brush off the big stuff. Do you know how I feel in this position?

I feel really terrible. I have never felt like this before. If you're a teacher, please consider not giving homework on busy weeks. I have never ever buckled to stress before. Not this way. Never have I buckled at work undone. Never have I ever cried to little things. I didn't even feel half as bad when I had terrible results for PMR Trials. I don't know why I feel so bloody terrible. My inadequacy to manage my time and handle everything a small step at a time is really the main contributor to the mess I'm in now. In reflection I'll know that this was nothing, because they're all tiny things. I can't manage this at all. Some people breeze through SPM, but I'm not one of those people.

The worst part is, I'm not even sure where the mess started. It was not like I was procrastinating all my work to the end of the day. I did try to do my work but I simply had no time. I had tuition until 4:30, where which I left from school immediately. I went out for early dinner, finally showered and rested for short while, ate dinner again and then I already started on my work. I don't understand why I only got my work done at 11 pm. I know better myself if I asked for it because I would have been sitting around playing computer games and such, but I didn't.

It's not fair that I am in this so deep when I've already tried my best. It was not my fault my slip was lost. I took care of it, but it was still lost. I feel like I'm trying to hold a giant broken plant pot together with nothing but my bare hands. I can't. It's all little things, it's all over now but I still feel so inadequate. I wasn't able to handle things properly.

Nevermind my class. 4 PA 1 is currently full of students that had long ago formed their own cliques. They've reinforced, and reinforced again their 'barrier' and even with God on my side, I won't even be able to be in it, much less be a part of it. I've tried, but it isn't working. I'd gladly trade PA 2 for PA 1 any day, I at least have some friends there. Still none of them true friends as proven today [6th Jan], but nonetheless friends I am actually able to talk to.

I don't know what I'll do. Add the classmate factor to the equation, add the lack of a true friend, you get a changed person in return. All I want is this one year to just be a little bit easier. I'm not asking for something insane. I just need this one, two years to be easier for me.

Lord help me.
- Fire ninja out.

Three days in

2010-01-06T22:52:00.004+08:00

and I'm already feeling so hopeless that I have things undone that I have little time for.

This can't keep up for the entire year. I'll die doing this for the entire year. I'm already feeling so stressed that somehow my PMR temporary slip got lost [Yup, that's right.] and I haven't got anything I need for my application for the Malay paper to be remarked. I have to have them by tomorrow.

I really don't have time for myself. Not without going beyond cutting corners.

I feel so stressed at the moment. I don't understand where it's coming from.

This cannot last...
- Fire ninja out.

EYE RAPE & PMR

2009-12-30T18:16:00.006+08:00

I don't understand why Esther & co says 'thankiew' so much. And replace 'eww' with 'iuw'. It's just as cryptic as some people's status updates [In BM as well], they totally remove all existing vowels. Unless you've never met Blunty3000 and have never watched any of his videos, I say on his behalf,

THAT IS EYE RAPE.

I can't understand you all the time! Please take typing lessons. I'd gladly teach you too. :(

This morning [amagad. morning.] I was going to get some forms to appeal for my BM grade but then by the time I got there Pn Punithe was in a meeting. I don't know why I wrote coma instead of meeting at first. Strange...

I'm surprised I got an A for Geog. and not BM. How odd. I worked hard for BM, not Geog.. What's going on? >.< Probably the folio had something to do with it. I'm not sure how high of a B my Malay was, for all I know it could be a 65, 70. Unfortunately only grades are stated, I have no choice but to assume that it could be a high B, as my previous tests have been. Perhaps a more lenient examiner would cut some slack here and there and grant me an A. Oh well, not hanging on for that to happen, but there's the possibility. I think I won't be crushed if re-marking did not change a thing, but I'll see what happens anyway.

A school clerk told a family friend that the 'cemerlang' meant that your grade is a high one, ie if you had a B for Sejarah and it wrote 'cemerlang' next to it, it meant that you got a high B. How odd, because I recall that it was for our folio. How does a school clerk give false info like that? >.<

Anyway, I hope all of you did well for PMR. I'm sure you all exceeded your own expectations. I'm also happy to say that I've heard most of you done bloody well, congratulations all of you. :D

It's just... this BM paper. Grr. I think I can feel those horns growing out from my head and the smoke billowing out from my ears. What were they thinking? This is not the way to raise our BM standards, Malaysia. You cannot raise our command in the language by raising the bar for BM. You cannot raise our command in the language by removing our privilege in studying Maths and Science in English. The 'colossal ridiculity' of this rivals the thought of whipping a mother of two for drinking.

You want to set higher standards, it's alright. But don't decide that you want to make the paper tough as you created the paper, then kept quiet about it. Decide long enough and inform all headmasters and headmistresses that you have this intention, so we would have time to study hard. We will study hard if it meant the difference between an A and a B. My teacher's already brought me up to a standard that would guarantee an A according to the past three years' standards. There was no reason why I could not have gotten it this time round. It could perhaps be paper one, but all the more my point stands - it's not the way to do things. This mistake has already been done for UPSR, and what do you know, it repeated for PMR. Why am I not surprised? Why are most people not surprised?

Would I have studied harder? Maybe. There could have been things I'd have done with the fear back in my head that I had one more thing to worry about. The week after trials I was panicking because I almost failed History, got C's here and there, didn't do well for Maths, didn't get an A for Science I think. It was a terrible, terrible week for me, and I probably took all my spare time finding things to occupy myself with so that I would not worry. I thought that with the information on Malay I had at hand, I was able to write well [Which I did, I wish we're able to get our papers back...] for Malay. But I had not anticipated the paper one to be that tough. Did anyone notice a few question had a slant towards a certain culture? I sure did. I'm just saying.

If you want united people, start with the youth of today by showing and proving to us that not everything is done to favour to certain cultures. It does not improve things that our English standards are pitifully low and our BM standards are extraordinary. I think it is only fair that the following was taken into account:

a) The amount of fluent Malay speakers
b) The amount of fluent English speakers
c) The amount of people celebrating, or enjoying their Christmas holiday. Yes, I went there. (No, not really taken into account, but I simply went there.)

I know for a fact that the amount of fluent Malay speakers quite obviously rivals fluent English speakers, and rightfully so, but you'd have to standardize our papers such that its difficulty is proportionate to its amount of fluent speakers in the area. Ie - take into account that there may be more English speakers in urban areas, so raise English standards for these areas, but leave them as easily passed for rural areas where not as many fluent English speakers are found.

It is a lot of work, but I think it's the logical thing to do. You can't make BM papers tough to make life a little easier for some [rural students], because you're damaging the majority of your students - How you doing, your urban students. Such ostracising is far too obvious. It leads me to think, is there some sort of hate or jealousy of fluent English speakers? Otherwise nothing would justify the big difference between our English and Malay paper standards. This act is not as subtle as most hoped it to be, because when I asked several people if they had any idea why the BM paper was difficult, they did hint to the possibility of making it easier for rural students. And people I asked were of different race, different age, different locations. Including Malay students.

If you can't get my drift, an English paper at PMR level is just a longer UPSR level paper. Without a draft, I could easily write 250 words for a 180 word essay. I always exceed the word length because to have a 180 word essay it would be too short to make sense for its type. A story on your trip to the old folks' home in 180 words at PMR level? Doesn't this sound ridiculously short? Assuming you write eight words per sentence, three sentences per paragraph, you'd only need to write six paragraphs and two short ones. Remember, this was a story, had picture guidance and it was easy to write to this length.

I remember writing loads of idioms for Malay. I ask you this - why was I not even required to write a single one for my English paper? I know I could write one in every sentence and have it cloying with the bombastic words and arrogance, but my point was that I was never told particularly to incorporate an idiom per paragraph. Not even a simile... nothing. It was not as much of a requirement as it was for Malay. Not to mention those disgusting, overused idioms being taught to us in our textbooks. It's embarrassing. I've learnt all this in Standard 6. Not through any of those novel-ly things I read that would totally up my literary skills, but simply through my teacher. She taught me,

'Birds of a feather flock together'
'A stitch in time saves nine'
'A friend in need is a friend indeed' *groan*
'A rolling stone gathers no moss'.

These are among perhaps two dozen. And we're still stuck at these at PMR level? I'm not expecting quotes from Shakespeare, I just think that these idioms border on juvenile because I don't fancy learning the same things UPSR students are learning. I think my UPSR level paper could've been submitted into PMR level and I'd still get an A. Sounds arrogant, doesn't it? But it's because I had to leave home on Christmas eve to collect my results. You turned me into a narcissistic, resenting, slightly angry monster. It's you. You, you, you.

Digressing, such essays don't call for flamboyant idioms; it is perhaps relatively an easy essay to write. And you imposed such a short word length on it. I previously had poor Malay, but after a full year of tuition with the best teacher in my town, including having the best teacher teaching my form, I had learnt Malay grammar all over again and I did manage to write well for my essay. I don't understand why everyone else cannot do the same if they'd just put in effort. I hated Malay so much, who's to say someone who hates English can't do what I did? Of course, ones effort would go a longer way had they studied for English, as opposed to my futile efforts for Malay.

What I'm getting at here is that Malay papers are tough for a shady reason, and English papers at PMR levels are not proportionate to Malay paper standards. Either lower Malay standards, and you'd have English and Malay papers 12 year-old girls would laugh at, or raise them both even 17 year-olds would shit bricks. If one was fluent in Malay and had inverted English grammar to Malay grammar, it is not difficult at all. That was how I learnt Malay again.

Here's to not getting expelled, my head chopped off, getting splashed with acid, being decapitated, humiliated, getting tortured to death, or being interrogated by the police in the next God-knows-how-long if someone happens to see this.
Cheers.
- Fire ninja out.

NO --ING WAY?

2009-12-17T19:19:00.004+08:00

I thought the results-on-24th-thing was going to be busted! What the hell?

Whoever that said you can run, but can't hide is so right. But also deserves a good bashing for pointing out the truth.

WHO in their right mind allows results to be out on such a big day? I bet you if it came in their way and not other's, they would have dismissed its dating under the grounds of "stupid, because I'm affected".

I wasn't so naive to think that it just had to be on that faithful Monday after Christmas, because I've been told it always had been that way. I thought that possibly, it could be on Saturday. Work day? Eat your heart out. Maybe much later. But then after my parents' planning to make their vacation end by Christmas so that they could ferry me to school after 28th, they found out they couldn't be here altogether. Way to go, buster.

I am upset! I don't understand how they or anyone could set the results day on Christmas eve! Even though the amount of Christmas celebrators would be less than half, it is still a sum that needs to be accounted for, and with equal weight.

What of people that simply planned a holiday? What about the possibly hundred thousand students now with plans to go aboard for a holiday, but at the cost of retrieving their results, yelling over the phone or perhaps to their parents right in front of them; far too loudly - "STRAIGHT As"?

How is this remotely fair? You're now looking at perhaps one fifth of angry 15 year-old's families that would write in to complain how you have ruined a holiday, as well as possibly younger children that would grow up to resent this one wrong choice. Hell hath no fury like a kid without Genting Highlands? Never mind that not only are the easily persuaded people reverting to our old syllabus and getting laughed at; but are they also wrong to have made this glaring mistake.

First off, no reason in the world would justify having changed, changed, then changed the syllabus. You're not talking about the colour of a phone theme, you're talking about displeasing, pleasing, then displeasing your nation again. I'm not sure what logical reason there possibly could be at this repeated syllabus change, but I can very easily say that learning Maths and Science in English has been a privilege, and much fun for me. I could no longer think of it as a right, considering the amount of nonsense that was posted all over The Star by mostly senior members accusing us of not being proper Malaysians for not speaking the language. It's not like we're omitting the national language; we're improving ourselves and everyone should accept that the world has changed. Besides, learning Maths and Science does not help us pick up any new Malay words, why not keep it in English as it does help us understand what we have learnt when we have moved on to tertiary education. Imagine a lecturer asking, "Do you remember studying trigonometry?" and you said you haven't because it was named something else in Malay.

Second off, everyone should also accept that the world doesn't revolve around them - henceforth, there could also be no reason in the world to justify conveniently placing the results day on Christmas eve, although only offending a theoretical fifth of the almost half million PMR students. This holds no practical reason at all. There's traffic jam in Johor Bahru going into, and coming from Singapore. There will be insanity everywhere. There will be more creeps in City Square. There would definitely be hours added on to the trail going on some highway in Kuala Lumpur, especially during work time. Your sale will be over by the time you catch a budget plane to KL.

What were they thinking? This is preposterous! If anyone thought a little more deeply about our future, they would consider that more care is needed when planning and should have more insight when adapting to something. Also there should be PRs that would respond to and take care of issues, instead of always very easily buckle and give in to the mounding pressure.

I'm quite happy with projector screens, learning parts and pieces to my organs in English, thank you very much. It would not be as appealing to me if it was in BM. If I had learnt my bladder to be called the 'pundi kencing', and then went to med school insisting to my lecturers that the bladder is called a 'pee sack', what the fuck will they think of me?

I'll tell you what - they'll laugh their heads off! First at me, and then the textbooks, to their startling realization that it had nothing to do with me. It was simply a literal translation of something I had learnt my body parts to be in.

I worked my hardest this year, to at least try hard and get an A for Malay. In the past, I had never gotten a satisfactory mark for Malay. It was perhaps 60+, almost 70 at best. I turned around only to realize that during PMR, Malay paper 1 was perhaps comparable to Form 5 Malay. So probably a thousand ringgit worth of tuition fees got flushed down the drain, had I chosen to measure success and reason by results. Hard work, not only of mine but also the best PMR level Malay teacher could not bring my results to a possible A.

It is so upsetting to see that the same mistakes are still being made, even though the same mistake had been addressed back in September for UPSR, and the very same paper.

All I have to say is that it is not the way to raise BM standards at all. Not at all.

Oh well. Time to brood over no Christmas this season. Not like I would've had one anyway, thus voiding this entire rant.

Cheers,
- Fire ninja out.

13 Dec/16 Dec

2009-12-13T10:12:00.003+08:00

I was woken up this morning by fireworks! It lasted a good ten minutes or so, woke me up at 3 am. Who lights fireworks at 3 am?

Anyway, I could eat normal food now, but I have to shun very hard foods like raw carrots and guava. Oh well, better than nothing! It's very time-consuming to brush, all the more now with braces.

---

Okay, I think I'm coming on with something. I was sweating in an air-conditioned room, and I'm still sweating. Oh well.

Reading Jodi Picoult has made me self-reflect [at the strangest of things, might I add] a lot. It is as good as books come, the two I've read so far are blockbusters, in my opinion.

I've read that book they made a movie out of, title slipped out of my mind, and I'm currently halfway through something to do with Broken. I'd Google them, but honestly I can't be assed.

MY SISTER'S KEEPER! Just came back.

There's this strange fear I've had, after these self-reflecting and all, that I'll change. That I'll lose all the traits I know myself to be. That I'll lose who I am, to others and myself. I already have once, but that was for good and I am thankful for it. But now I'm having doubts about myself that I may change for worse, and lose all that is me for whatever reason.

It's also struck me [again, in a strange way] that I feel I have let down my friends that never knew me for what I am "IRL" to know me as perhaps something very different on text. Lengthy posts are mostly premeditated, shorter posts and live chat me are spontaneous. It's not the quiet-ish, restrained me "IRL". I'm not sure why, but it feels almost like guilt that I am a different person in two worlds because they don't know me for what I am. Even though this 'alter ego' is not forged, it's simply the spontaneous me, it almost seems like a lie because I'm a person I'm different from, in my mind and in front of others.

I'm afraid I'll lose myself, whether that me the real 'alter ego' me or what everyone else view me to be "IRL". I'm afraid I'll lose myself, because I have everything in the world to be thankful for and I don't ever want what cannot be taken away from me be removed by myself.

The feeling could almost felt... what self-esteem and nonchalance I once had feel like it's slowly seeping away and the empty space being replaced by a strange indescribable feeling. Mild hurt? Annoyance? Resent?

Eh. I'll figure everything out eventually.

Cheers,
- Fire ninja out.

Blue or not blue

2009-12-11T12:12:00.003+08:00

there is no fry.

Spoonerism, do or not do - there is no try.

I'm meant to be waiting for a phone call that I don't know when I'm supposed to receive, only to inform them of slightly bad news.

I'm talking to a friend of mine about SAW and I realized I wasn't the only sick bastard laughing at gory scenes. Phew, what a relief.

Anyway, I was about to write about digital media. I have an interest in it, and I think it would be an enjoyable diploma. However I am not all that confident in my artistic abilities. I'm not sure how I'm meant to pass an Arts-based diploma if I can't draw a self-portrait to save my life.

Oh well. I'll sit on this. There's computer-generated effects, 3D, and programming.

*scribbles 'digital media' on a piece of paper and sits on it*

Cheers!
- Fire ninja out.

SemiCOLON

2009-12-09T07:37:00.004+08:00

The fact that this sentence is grammatically correct disturbs me.

I realized a few things in my writing. I put a lot of redundant words or phrases as you would in informal speech, and without thinking.

"The fact that"
"It goes without saying", there are more straightforward alternatives.
"... that ...", when unnecessary and when omitted, still makes sense.
Excessive comma usage, but don't we all? :p

And my semicolon craze. Why is it called semicolon? Just saying if someone happens to be reading five centuries on.

I suppose there is nothing wrong with using it frugally, only when it is really needed. But it still irks me that I use semicolons. I have not used semicolons at all until it dawned on me one day that commas are only correctly used when written after 'and' and 'but', joining two sentences together. Separating a sentence within a sentence are actually for dashes, not commas. But I still can't help but not use semicolons or dashes.

"You write snobbishly", or "You write in snobbish English".

Yes, I noticed lately that these statements are true. I can't help using words I know to replace a longer way of saying what I want to say, as well as "mega" words that fit the bill better. If it's how I write, it's probably how I think.

I suppose it is also true that if I were to write English normally in the typical Malaysian's broken English, my writing would be very dull and bland. It would be blander than plain porridge and duller than black. It would be worse than Stephanie Meyer's writing. Yes, it is a good story, but had she written a lot more than "She did this", "He did that", it would have a chance at being a classic. Ergo, I am not reading it.

I'm not saying that people with little vocabulary or a poor command in grammar cannot be good writers. This is not true. These little faults are fixable, the lack of imagination isn't. Imagination is usually all you need, I have been impressed by the simplest of writings. You could tell what their command of English is, and yet they could think of writing so colourfully. I do hold dearly to the principle of keeping things simple and easily "digested" when something has to be presented to public, but since I write as I think, only my blog posts in particular are written in what you perceive to be complex.

If you pay close attention to my writing, you will notice that there is very little variety to my writing. It is only those few kinds of sentences, they look like the other. You will also notice while the formats are very simple and are what most average speakers use, the "mega" words I use are actually quite common, even if they are harder words that not many would use. You would know the meaning, but you would only read it and never, ever have the courage to use it. That's bad, because I have searched the definition to several words over and over again because I haven't had the opportunity to use them. They were either rare, or I found it to be too flowery.

Anyway, I don't read the dictionary, and I am a very poor definer of words. I use internet dictionaries, so I wouldn't flipping in the re- pages and learning five or six words while I'm looking for one. Honestly, I approximate most of the words I see and I am normally dead wrong about them maybe three out of ten times.

Something else I always do is if I find something that has a prefix, I will search it up and remember what it is related to, so I'd have already learned 15 words from learning one. It works sometimes, but only sometimes.

Omnipotent.

Omni- means in any direction or way, most commonly used in "omnidirectional".

Potent means influence and also strong drug. I see this a lot like: "potent drug".

Add that together, it suggests something that has influence to everyone around this person. Omnipotence probably means to already have influence over a large group of people.

However, the real meaning of omnipotent is unlimited power. While close, I could have used this word a different way because I thought it meant something else. I would've written, "She is an omnipotent person", in my mind meaning she very easily influenced others around her, and she is a good leader because she was authoritative. But I actually wrote, "She's fucking Hitler and you run the opposite way when you see her".

No-brainer - I thought it meant a stupid person. While it could be used that way, it's actually used to say that something did not require thinking to know; common sense.

Anyway, it's already 0827, I was supposed to sleep earlier than I did yesterday, turned out to do opposite. :(

P.S. PMR results on 20th, then rescheduled to 24th? What's up with that?

Cheers,
- Fire ninja out.

I wonder...

2009-11-30T18:32:00.007+08:00

I wonder why God made everyone so, so very different. There could be an endless list alone on why everyone is unique, however I am only interested in knowing the answer to one.

I wonder why God made everyone have a different importance in other's eyes. It could probably be worded more clearly, but I suppose it wouldn't matter if only me, you and the stray hit that would be reading.

I can't help but feel like Piper from the book Handle With Care, written by Jodi Picoult. She was the troubled Charlotte's confidante, but when she empathized about Charlotte's daughter and complained slightly about her daughter as well, Charlotte snapped like a twig and basically told her Ob/Gyn, closest friend and the only one that actually cares about her to shut the hell up. Even though she did apologize to her, I was shocked how someone could even say that to someone else, never mind the only one that cares..

Not saying that my plight is anywhere as close to a slap as that, but I sometimes wonder why everyone can't have a close group of friends that all love each other, and genuinely.

It seems like everyone I've known are like Charlotte's neighbours. Charlotte, in the book, has a daughter that frequents the hospital. Every time this happens, her neighbours wouldn't offer help, in example offer to mow the lawn if she's going to be away for a week at the hospital, help with the laundry, bring her other healthy daughter about.

They send her cake. Fucking cake. Sent her food, Mac and Cheese, spaghetti. Who in the right mind would do something like that? I understand if you're genuinely trying to help, if you did send them food they would not need to cook, but isn't it a bit fishy if you do the same every time this happens, and every neighbour does the same?

In the book, it was explained through Charlotte's point of view that this bizarre practise was actually because they're thankful they're not them. That they don't really care, they just sent cookies out of guilt. That they care because they must.

It isn't enough that you know they don't care, but you also know that their gifts are a physical equation of their thankfulness, guilt, sympathy and even disgust.

There's no misconception on my part that if I resent my social circle, perhaps I could actually do something about it instead of expecting five written letters to join one's faction the next day. That is a very ridiculous thing to ask for, however I feel no need to do so, no matter how miserable or even hateful I feel in my current plight.

I very sincerely hope I'm wrong, but not one person I've met that I'm not already friends with today are actually strong-willed people, that would always hold their principles aloft. I hope you don't take it that you're not worthy or anything like it, ref. "I'm not holier-than-thou" argument. I'm not talking about being put off because they are into something, or they do things a certain way - that makes us an individual, does it not? I would consider myself to be rather open-minded about a certain individual's quirkiness, I've met many characters in the past many years. I mean principles they have of themselves. How much they thought of themselves, and their self-worth. Anyone who loves themselves for what they are.

It may seem like a holier-than-thou attitude picking and perhaps reducing it to the absurd, but I can't help but feel like a lot of people I've known are but the same as ones before. I really mean it, bear with me as I write this. I hope you'd give me the benefit of the doubt as you're reading this, that I have outgrown most of the immaturity I might have had at age fifteen, and that I don't mean to write any of this to slander others and make myself feel higher or better by degrading them. It is probably one of the worst things I have done in the past, and I will never forget what I once was. Perhaps telling you others called me condescending doesn't help, but there isn't a point from not telling the world what I really am in other's views - that I'm not all that pure; I'm not all that innocent and you're free to agree.

These people - I would not say all, but I would not say some - seem easily persuaded. I don't understand why nobody could "stick to their guns". People that feel so low that they compromise themselves to make others happy. It's not a good trait at all, in my opinion. You're a push-over and you'd always be the one feeling sore, queen bee would still be flying around as happy as can be. I wish everyone could see what they were doing, at least they would not need to do someone else's bidding just to be their friend. It is perhaps the most appalling thing I've ever seen done to a person. Of the same age, of the same school, of the same class.

And then of course, when you have these good people that could only ever tag along, you have the queen bees. Seen Paramore's Misery Business music video? That crazy girl with big boobs is the queen bee. There isn't much I could bring myself to say about these sort of people without lying or being offensive except go out and enjoy a real life.

I can't help but hope that there would be more condescending, honest to God type people that would point out the obvious and see what happens.

It sucks when your insult backfires, doesn't it? I am possibly the single most unperturbed by such poor attempts at insults, but it's just that the ridiculer could not see that they are every bit as bad as they might have conceived me to be. I'm just saying.

See,
[07:50:05] <+Debilitant> Lol, 5 exp from Firemaking level
[07:50:09] <+Debilitant> (got em through lamps)
[07:50:17] <+Member> I hate Wildy clues, thats why I do level ones. :P
[07:50:28] <+Member> Level it, then.
[07:50:55] <+Ridiculer> Horatio, she's not asking what she should do with 5 xp left in the level.
[07:51:04] <+Ridiculer> She's just saying she has 5xp left in the level.
[07:51:07] <+Ridiculer> omg ur stuped
[07:51:14] <+Member> I know.
[07:51:25] <+Member> I'm just saying.
[07:51:28] <+Ridiculer> Then why did you end your sentence with the word, 'then'?
[07:51:30] <+Debilitant> I would actually
[07:51:38] <+Debilitant> Why are you trolling her?
[07:51:39] <+Ridiculer> You're acting all condescending again.
[07:51:50] <+Ridiculer> I am trying to make people like me.

I would actually @ Member, Condescending is directed at me, and there has been nothing cut before that. I would normally sort out the issue and find out how I had offended the ridiculer previously, but perhaps a public display [With the lack of an audience] of their fail is enlightenment enough. Didn't expect a friend of years to turn out to be a troll that would argue over the most insignificant of things, often as the Devil's Advocate and actually turn around to call others something they are themselves.

Cheers,
- Fire ninja out.

Sandwiches, English quirks

2009-11-29T13:21:00.005+08:00

I asked for something today, one tiny thing, something very simple like I would like a sandwich from somewhere because I can finally eat, and I ended up with a compromise for some reason and got a bloody marmalade sandwich with a 'surprise', being slabs of butter.

I don't understand. I know there are people that are starving, but the world doesn't work like that. You don't stuff yourself knowing that others are starving, do you? I also know it's a matter of being thankful, but knowing of other's plight doesn't solve mine. For this reason, I'm not very sure why you stuff your face with food on Thanksgiving. Is it how it really works? You're thankful for what you have, so you have all of it?

As petty as it sounds, I don't understand why the simplest of requests that had been promised upon cannot be carried out. It's not once, it actually happens very often. I find myself asking for most of my necessities twice before I actually get it, and even then I had to get them myself.

It's not that I resent needing to get my own items myself much unlike all my other peers, but it's just that if you have a promise that you can't deliver, don't make one. Don't inconvenience others with your incompetence because if you just decline, they could at least do it themselves instead of holding on for your help. I probably wouldn't care if you said you can't get a bloody sandwich for me, I'd just make something I like myself. I hate marmalade, so all the more I don't understand why I got one.

A sandwich with tomato, lettuce, meat and mayo is is a far cry from marmalade. I'm just saying.

I was reading the papers today and I noticed a term used very often, mostly in blog and article titles.

"Of ducks and apples."
"Of chicken and oranges."

I don't get it. I have an issue with this term as Boo from HQ does with "How so?".

I've seen and used odd terms in English, but hardly anything like this. "Slap my ass and call me Sally"? That's a term to express dismay or even surprise. Very strange, but not as strange as this.

First off, I know for a fact that these kind of titles usually indicate whatever follows discuss these two topics, whether that be related or not.

But why the hell do you have the word 'of' before your two titles? Would "Ducks and Oranges" or "Chickens and Oranges" not suffice?

Usage; why is there the word 'of' before your two subjects? Isn't this redundant? Of what? Where is the rest of the sentence?

If either is to or, neither is to nor, of is not to and. There is no equivalent of a 'neither' to 'and', if you catch my drift.

~~~~~
Relevant definitions of 'of'
1. used to indicate distance or direction from: within a mile of the church; south of Omaha; to be robbed of one's money.
2. used to indicate derivation, origin, or source: a man of good family; the plays of Shakespeare; a piece of cake. [Replaces the word 'from']
3. used to indicate cause, motive, occasion, or reason: to die of hunger.
4. used to indicate material, component parts, substance, or contents: a dress of silk; an apartment of three rooms; a book of poems; a package of cheese.
5. used to indicate apposition or identity: Is that idiot of a salesman calling again?
6. used to indicate specific identity or a particular item within a category: the city of Chicago; thoughts of love.
8. used to indicate inclusion in a number, class, or whole: one of us.
9. used to indicate the objective relation, the object of the action noted by the preceding noun or the application of a verb or adjective: the ringing of bells; He writes her of home; I'm tired of working.
14. on the part of: It was very mean of you to laugh at me.
16. set aside for or devoted to: a minute of prayer.

Usage note:
... added to phrases beginning with the adverb how or too followed by a descriptive adjective:

How long of a drive will it be?
It's too hot of a day for tennis.

... probably modeled ... in which 'how' or 'too' is followed by 'much', an unquestionably standard use in all varieties of speech and writing:

How much of a problem will that cause the government?
There was too much of an uproar for the speaker to be heard.

The use of 'of' with descriptive adjectives after 'how' or 'too' is largely restricted to informal speech. It occurs occasionally in informal writing and written representations of speech. See also couple, off.

Source - Dictionary.com
~~~~~
[I know there are missing numbers to the definitions, I removed irrelevant ones]

Basically, you can conclude that it can be used to replace the word 'from' in some contexts, and usually goes between an adverb and an adjective. Like "to be cheated [what] of your money [something]". "To be robbed of your identity." "To be devoured of your flesh." "To be deprived of sandwiches."

Other uses already come without thinking as we speak day in and day out.

I just want to know why people title their double entry posts with 'of'. What could it possibly mean, really? Also, if the writer is trying to say the equivalent of "this or that?" then why not just say, "Chicken or Oranges?"

The only thing I can think of is that the very first origin of this term came about when the writer wanted to say, "An Entry of Chicken and Oranges", but it didn't fit. But that doesn't make sense either, it should be 'on', not 'of'.

So I know I'm not the grammar expert, I don't think I speak in perfect English all the time, but it's just that this sentence [if it is one] simply irks and bothers me.

Speak sensible English!
Cheers,
- Fire ninja out.

Toothless

2009-11-28T09:05:00.002+08:00

I've been meaning to add another entry a few days ago, but I didn't take into account that pain can be quite distracting.

It's day three since my extraction and it still hurts a lot. I'm not sure if this should be happening, however I noted that the lower incisor goes a lot deeper than molars do. I remember I got comments a while ago like, "You look like you got shot in the head", referring to my perpetually black face.

It's ironic that I feel the same way too. Oh well.

I was wondering if I should take a picture for myself to laugh at in 18 months when I have nice teeth, but I figured I can't show it because I can't smile. I can't peel away the corners of my mouth without people going "WTF" either. And I can't talk, rendering a video pointless.

Can you say ouch?

I'm still not sure why I feel like I got punched in the jaw, and also why two PCMs didn't do a thing. Nor did one Tramadol. It should at least relieve the pain for an hour, right? Strange. I'm okay with pain, but I can't sleep with someone punching my face.

Pain is my friend, just not this time.

But most devastating of all, I CAN'T EAT! WHY?
*facedesk!!!*
I feel so bad for myself that I can barely open my mouth to stuff a teaspoon full of mashed potatoes to swallow. No crispy bacon, no spring onions, no crisps, no noodles. :|

I would really feel like bashing my head in when I read this in the future, I actually wrote an entire entry about getting my tooth extracted.

Forgotten what I wanted to write actually, didn't start whining about pain without an interesting half.

Oh well.

Cheers,
- Fire ninja out.

Evil

2009-11-23T23:36:00.002+08:00

As I've said on Facebook,

SKIMMED MILK IS EVIL.

It's as bad as drinking watered down milk. You know why? Because that's what it is.

What else is evil? Moral next year will be evil I think. My tooth extraction tomorrow will be pretty foul too. [Seriously, front tooth eh? Sigh.]

Cheers,
- Fire ninja out.

Disgusting.

2009-11-20T21:52:00.003+08:00

I don't get it, Convent girls prefer horror movies that they can't watch to epic movies like Pirates?

Pirates, mates - Orlando Bloom and Johnny Depp! What the hell is wrong with you?

Nevermind if you really really prefer horror, gore, paranormal, dirturbing movies. But then you sit and watch these movies, and then scream when they get cut up or when something pops from behind. How could you not anticipate such clichéd motions when there are those ominous music playing? Ridiculous, that's what it is.

I don't have anything against horror films or thrillers. In fact, I love them. Blade I-III, Resident Evil 1-3, I Know Who Killed Me & other B-films, Pandorum [ILY]. Test me on these, I did actually watch them and I enjoyed it; much unlike some of you. [hint hint] I'm fearless man, I can watch most films without screaming so I suppose I'm in the correct position to speak. I think if I found gore amusing, I'm way up there.

What I don't get is why you people can't handle watching horror films, but then insist on watching it anyway. I don't understand how it could be something you genuinely want to watch if you don't enjoy it. So why not watch something more friendly?

But no, fifteen minutes in they pointed how boring it is; yet the other half sat down and never once twitched watching it. Perhaps they are sore that they didn't get their way and the opportunity to piss their skirts in terror.

When I pointed out this phenomenon and stood up for the lovely pirates, Cik Masliana laughed at my effort. I suppose she found it amusing how much someone could like a movie so much. But seriously, such an epic movie! What the hell is wrong with you?

There could be just a tiny chance of trying to flaunt their apparently non-existent hardcore-ness, bravery, and what-have-you. Could this be a new strain of inferiority?

Had self-esteem been something every girl had, I think Convent would be a much better place.

[Wow, for the first time in my life I actually agree with myself.]

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, watch movies for fun. There is more to life than proving to others what you're not, so why not enjoy being who you really are?

Cheers,
- Fire ninja out.

2012 The Movie

2009-11-17T23:08:00.003+08:00

I wonder how many people believe 2012 will happen in such chaos.

Very unrealistic movie, I wish I could say it was a good movie but this really ruined it.

How can there be so many close shaves? In reality, the lot of them would be crushed at least three times by the end of the movie.

I think the movie is too long for what it was. Had the first third been shortened, at least there would be a satisfying ending to reassure stupid watchers that they lived and it was not over.

I also wonder how many people are moving to the Cape of Good Hope in the following year. Considering the location, which its name suggests is a cape, it is unlikely that it would fare any better than the rest of the world. I could be wrong and there is the possibility of it being in a unique spot like Malaysia is, but I wish that the directors and writers of the movie did some research into the science behind it first.

On a side note, I remember almost yelling when I saw The Operative in the trailer. That was a pleasant surprise. Try as I might, I cannot spell or even remember his name without IMDB. Chiwetel Ejiofor. Cannot pronounce it, and I'm hardly sure I even spelt that right.

The Operative was a character from the movie Serenity, he was one of the people working for the Alliance and attempts killing Mal many times.

Anyway, I hope very dearly that when the world ends, it is not as ugly as it was in this bloody three hour film and corruption doesn't take over. I did feel a little bad when I heard The Operative say that his room could fit ten, and I concur.

The Black Magician Trilogy - I'm in love with it. I developed a habit of running away as the book gets exciting. It proved to be an okay habit, I'm taking breaks and it stretches the book a tiny bit longer. Sitting down for hours can be very painful.

I just grew to love Akkarin, can't believe Trudi ended the book as such. I still think Dorrien is a bigger sweetheart though. I can't wait for The Traitor Spy trilogy, which is the sequel to The Black Magician and revolves around Lorkin, Sonea's son. I could try to picture Lorkin as Akkarin, but methinks they're going to be different. And I can't imagine Sonea as an older magician!

I hope that Sonea's character doesn't change. And can you imagine if a future High Lord is a Lady, she gets her period and it stains on her full white robes? They didn't have winged, ultra-thin pads, you know. Just a thought. Even Lord Balkan thought that it was a bad idea to have white robes.

When I saw Trudi Canavan's sketches of the characters, I was slightly disappointed because I thought the magician robes had a little more flair and some similarity to RuneScape fashion. RuneScape is set around year 700-750, I think the book is too. I'm not sure what RuneScape is set in, but I know for a fact that The Black Magician is definitely late Medieval times. I would love to read another book based in Medieval times, not late-ish because it feels a little more evolved. It could be hard to find though.

Salvatore's works are overpriced. 'Nuf said.

I forgot what had gotten into me, but I realized I paid RM 63 for The Ancient also priced at USD 16. That's almost twice the price of most other books in both currencies. Curses. Salvatore's work isn't that impressive anyway, and he's got more experience than Trudi Canavan. Sigh.

Have to be in school tomorrow, although I probably won't sleep until very late. Got to pick up some things before school ends.

Cheers,
- Fire ninja out.

Good 10th November

2009-11-10T17:25:00.002+08:00

I think I might just die from the aerosol paint fumes, there's something being painted and it smells pretty foul.

Digressing, I don't enjoy Linkin Park's first studio album at all, Hybrid Theory. I listened to it as I'm supposed to, but I don't enjoy the hip hop influences in it.

"Cure For The Itch" - This song is almost tailor-made for popping too. I think I might just send it to Jeff Vinokur, be interesting to see what he could come up with.

I think it's pretty obvious now why I stopped listening to this band in the first place... Oh and the nu-metal jazz.

I found out that Ev's third album [possibly last :( ] is available only around the end of 2010, and I think it won't be available in 2010, it might get delayed to 2011. So I suppose I'll spend the RM40 Popular voucher on Brand New Eyes when it's available.

The Black Magician Trilogy - reading The Novice right now. I noticed it's not very popular worldwide, that's very disappointing. I know it's not an epic book or whatever, but it's better than the wussy Twilight.

If the Twilight movie is that horrible, I wonder what the book is. I heard that Stephanie Meyer's penmanship isn't the greatest, is this true? Oh well.

I also learned that Sonea doesn't become the High Lord as the third book title suggests, that was a little shocking. Sigh. Sonea, why did you have to go down Akkarin's path?

[The inner geek comes out.]

The Sarah Connor Chronicles Season 2 is being played again, please show support for this awesome series and watch. I think it plays every Tuesday night, on AXN. Either 8 or 9 pm.

I found Sesame Street on YouTube! It was such an awesome discovery. I love Elmo to bits!

And then finally, I keep having things I want to Google and find out more about, but I always forget it although I had made a "mental note". Given my dory memory, nothing sticks.

Dinner!
Cheers,
- Fire ninja out.

Fuck.

2009-11-09T17:40:00.003+08:00

Expletives, PLEASE go away if you can't read without whining about my language.
I honestly don't care if I'm leaving a bad image or whatever at this stage, because this frustration is overwhelming. I also don't care if you're going to judge me by this post because you are free to do so after I [censored].

A bit overdue, but...

I got disappointed again.

This time by myself, amazingly. It's a miracle how you can disappoint yourself, but that isn't the point.

The point is that I've lost all faith in music again. I feel so sorry for myself that I was too stupid to go gather money and get that fucking guitar myself. Bloody RM 350. I could've gotten it myself, but no. I had asked.

For the umpteenth time, I've learned all I possibly can on an acoustic guitar. What the fuck do you want from me? A Chopin concert played on the guitar? I've learned everything I can on it already. What do you fucking want?

Stop telling me to play the acoustic guitar well enough to play the electric guitar, I've fucking told you it's different. You can't touch the acoustic and have something come out of it. In fact, I didn't even want or asked for an acoustic, but you fucking went and bought me one although I said not to.

I'm not asking you to shed one thousand ringgit, no. I'm just asking if I can use all the money I have to get it. Why am I not allowed to spend my money when I have it? What is the point of saving it? Is RM 350 going to make a difference when I really need the money in the future? No! That RM 350 would've been long gone by the time I am using my savings for my fucking retirement.

Give me a break, I'm fifteen. If I can't get the very basic support from you, something's fucked up somewhere. And if I don't have freedom to do whatever I wish to with my money, ditto. Imagine what else I could have become, do you remember what some of my schoolmates are like? Dating behind their parents backs? There's honestly worse things I can become, besides being bloody passionate about music?

I'll be honest, I haven't been playing the piano for a very long while now. I've been so upset that I simply lost interest in music altogether. The very one thing that I love so much. You took that away from me.

Don't tell me you can get me a guitar just as good when I can play well another time. Bullshit. You know why? Find me a used guitar going at 350, find me one just as good, find me the time when you think "playing well" is the right time. Suddenly attempting a full-length Chopin concert on the guitar sounds a lot easier than trying to persuade you.

So fucking frustrated.

Come tomorrow, I would've forgotten all about this hate and anger, it would be nothing but resent that I didn't do what I should've done. What I should've logically done.

Otherwise, seriously give me a break. I've not asked for anything so persistently before. In fact, I've never asked for anything before. Handphone? Given. I don't know, jeans? I grew out of them. Do you see me begging for tickets to a concert five hours away? No! I've never asked for anything materialistic or close to expensive before. Never in my entire life. I'm not asking for the world, I'm not asking for something very pricey. I'm just asking for your support in my tiny endeavour. If it's something I'm passionate about, be proud of it and actually support it.

You can't fix things by pretending nothing fucking happened the next day. Slap my ass and call me Sally, but I don't have dory memory. I'm just tolerating every damn thing and I'm sure you don't know this, but pity my poor friends in school that has to hear me whine and bitch and perhaps cry over it. It never ends, it never fucking ends until you either give me a good reason why you're so against a hunk of wood and steel, or you at least give me your fucking support. PICK.

I don't care if you say no, it's at least a better answer than "When you can play proper--" FUCKING PROPERLY?

I know I'll get that argument that I'm being a selfish bitch and just wanting everything me, me, me, but fuck off. Imagine having the same reply for three years in a row. It's a fucking tactful answer and I know it's put that way because I FUCKING KNOW YOU.

I need an answer. But SPEAK YOUR FUCKING MIND. THE HELL WITH TACT. FUCKING YES OR FUCKING NO? And people wonder about my being straight-forward? Here's the answer bitch.

It's because I'm constantly getting fed this intolerable shit. Do you feel bad now when you whine about my being straight-forward?

In hindsight, I don't understand how I can possibly get so worked up over the lack of a simple answer, really. I suppose it's the resentment that I didn't spend my own money on my own accord. I also suppose that it's the frustration. I do apologize for this...

- Fire ninja out.

Random topics

2009-10-31T19:49:00.004+08:00

Why aren't there any conventions in JB?

There's plenty in KL, but JB is quite populated too, no?

Especially with teenagers. ComicCon would be cool.

Gah.

I thought that having nothing to do would mean more hours spent on the computer, but on the contrary I actually spend a lot less time online. I've been spending my hours sleeping, or whining that I don't have anything to do. And watching TV as well.

See, prior to Runescape's slow death, I spent a hell lot of time playing despite being busy. But now that I'm completely free, everything decided to die.

I now log on to check all the forums I'm registered on, the news, perhaps IRC, several more websites, and then that's it. I would be proud of this a month ago, but I've decided I'm not so proud of this right now.

I could've sworn that RS's death has lots to do with the Guiness World Record. Anyone else notice this?

Nerr.

So recently I've been spending my time on YouTube, and even then I feel so sorry that people who put awesome videos out aren't getting enough attention, and bloody Disney characters as well as unfunny people are getting too much. For some reason, I have never been a person for the overrated.

And then there are these trolls on YouTube that make me feel all sorry for them as well. Random unjustified calls like "fag" being the most common, it spells nothing but failed troll, flamer wannabe.

I probably wouldn't care if they gave a bloody good reason why they accused the OP of being a fag, I might actually applaud that. Unfortunately they end their comment at "fag". Damnation.

Damn damned the damning damn for causing the damned to be damned by a damnation.

That actually made sense.

I was browsing through my old posts and I noticed that they are much more interesting... *sigh*

Cheers,
- Fire ninja out.

Acting FAIL

2009-10-30T23:03:00.002+08:00

Today's skit was a flop.

The end.

Softball next week I think. [Yeah, I know, softball again?]

And I love Marmite.

Counter-Strike!
- Fire ninja out.

I'm going to hell.

2009-10-29T02:24:00.004+08:00

The special kind of hell.

I'm seriously a bad Christian. I'm not sure if God even acknowledges me as one at all. I was contemplating if I should just be a good Atheist and go to hell instead of being a bad Christian and going to hell anyway. I haven't talked to my parents yet but here are my reasons why.

Today I watched a documentary about the seven signs of the apocalypse. It was very interesting indeed, and it made me feel that little bit depressed although I knew about the 2012 thing and that I was going to die anyway.

However, it made me think about me being a Christian. The documentary was focused not only on the Apocalypse, but the seven signs from the book of Revelations particularly. I asked a little here and there about heaven and hell, and I just remembered how infrequently I pray... It was also then that I noticed I was making use of this faith negatively; ergo I am a bad Christian.

I mostly prayed only when I had to, or if I had things going tough and I had to speak to a friend. For this reason I thought that if I am to go to hell as a bad Christian, I would rather go to hell as a good non-religious person.

It was pointed out to me that you would be judged, Christian or non-Christian, at the "Pearly Gates". I might have this wrong, however if you are learned please correct me on this. I was told that if you're a non-Christian and you were a really, really good person you could be allowed into heaven. However, if you were a tad more sinful than that you would be sent to hell. Meaning, should you have been the same kind of person but a Christian, you can't go to Heaven, but unfortunately you weren't one so you're going to hell.

I think there has been a lot more misinterpretation there than how God really is. I'm sure he'll let anyone that's pure in their core into Heaven. I truly believe that everyone I know are good people, and they would never do or have done anything evil enough to not be allowed into Heaven.

Otherwise, if there hasn't been any misinterpretation at all, I feel sorry that God did not give good, non-Christians a chance to live the rest of their celestial lives with Him. I mean, he can't be that exclusive that he wouldn't allow other good people into Heaven. Right?

I realized I had very strong faith in God. That goes without a doubt, but when I had breaks from school, no prayers were said at all. Also I won't lie, I have lost faith. I can't believe it if you told me every other Christian has never lost faith. That's bullshit. No matter how devout a Christian you are, I'm sure there'll be times where you have plain forgotten about God. As horrible as it sounds, I'm quite confident this happens. You get in a small car accident, you firstly check if you have your limbs attached. You forgot your homework, you go "Shite, I'm getting that demerit now...". See, why don't you ask, "God, please help me!"?

My circumstances are similar, however it's a bit different. During my very trying times I had forgotten about Him. It wasn't that I forgot him easily - I believe I notice his presence everyday, but there are just times where I did not think of asking for help, or simply talking to him. So strong faith, but not a praying person. Which brings back the "I'm a bad Christian" argument.

There's a lot of things to God that I don't quite understand, and I suppose should I "sever" ties with him from here on, I will never understand it. I think it is impossible for me to live without faith - being characterised similarly to a dog I guess that's part of who I am. It could also be a valid reason why I should stay a person faithful to God, however distant I should be from him.

Hence the argument again.

Anyway, most mind-boggling question right off my head:

God is a figure of love. So why does God send good people to hell because they're not Christians? [Possible misinterpretation, ignore if false]

Sigh. It's official.
I'm at crossroads between my faith and what will become of the rest of my life.

Do I pick guilt over a more wholesome life in the future?

Or should I live happily and freely, however lonely I should become?

Should I pick the latter, I could go back to what I was in the past, a shell of inferiority and loneliness.

However should I carry on with this life I'm living - guilt, knowing that I'm a bad religious person - I am not much of a better person albeit in a different way.

I wonder what made me become such an oddball of a Christian today? Why am I such a faithful person to God but yet so equally distant? Is it the lack of my enjoyment at church when I was younger?

I wonder if the pushiness of certain people [Not my parents, don't worry...] had something to do with this as well. They'd always insist that no matter how bad I'm feeling about certain things, I was doing it for God. I don't like this theory. If I was doing something lovely for God, yet I feel miserable whilst doing so and do not enjoy the outcome of whatever it was, how is this for Him?

Probably didn't make sense there, but this is what I mean: Say I took part in a Christmas concert dance, dancing to a Christian band song. I show up everyday without fail, however with a black face, even darker than the night sky. I don't enjoy the dance, and I lack enthusiasm.

If I lacked enthusiasm dancing for God, I would just be doing a string of emotionless motions to a song I probably don't like any more, listening to it for the dozenth time.

The concerned person probably didn't notice that I could be a potentially different person today should they have ironed things out and let me have a great time with the problem solved. Instead I end up sullen, guilty, unenthusiastic and unfaithful. Don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming them for what I have become today, but it's just a thought that my life could be different should things have changed slightly.

So this is yet another personal entry... apologies for the controversial topic I guess.

School later, ~ three hours.

Cheers,
- Fire ninja out.

Old school Vloggers

2009-10-23T17:06:00.002+08:00

To all the old school vloggers out there, you shouldn't have stopped.

Including LG15, there shouldn't be a reason to not stick around. Competition? Big deal. [FYI I never got Smosh, so I have no idea what they are.]

Nobody seems to put out quality videos any more. The only ones that do happen to be whatever's left of the "old school" vloggers of '06.

Does no one agree with me that YouTube content has gone from bad to worse lately? Disney characters can fuck off YouTube because they already have stardom IRL, leave the internet for the normal folk.

You would not deserve whatever AdSense money, views, subscribers or ratings if most of that had "help" from your stardom IRL. Have you not considered that normal folk need to build subs from ground up, when you already have it at the palm of your hand? You can put out crap and people would watch you. You can have nude pictures of yourself and no one would judge you. You can rap worse than TheHill88 did and get millions more views than she did. What the fuck?

CLOSE YOUR BLOODY YOUTUBE ACCOUNTS.

I'm not expecting to be read from here on. This is pure and personal, I would not like to be judged or misunderstood about the following. Please take it however its written because I don't mean it negatively. This is a constructive entry, if you happen to find my tiny blog and feel that I'm addressing you, don't take offense.

Thanks a lot 3E crew and the opportunity, God.

Talking a lot makes me sick. I have to get this off my chest however. I hope this doesn't come across as reverse arrogance or anything pertaining to inferiority. I have lots of self-esteem so bugger off.

I know deep inside that someone had more shit [POI's] to cope with and spoke better than I did. [And possibly can.]

Why, because I know I don't have that level of boldness, I know I don't have that courage, I know I don't have that artistic character; it will never be the same having people of different characters speak on stage. Theatrics versus personality. I'll just go right ahead and say it.

No bull here, the someone is the perfect representative of whatever a public speaker should be. All the elements to a public speaker - there is no doubt to it. It's the exact reason why she was the best public speaker on Thursday.

I'm quite sure that from her background, she would have had some form of confidence on-stage and dared to literally act to her speech - instead of having the speech make her act. This is what I meant by theatrics, it is some form of acting.

However, for whoever else who may be unlucky enough to come in her way, personality will never win over theatrics. Your personality may not necessarily be the correct representative of a public speaker. The actress will, more often than not, be seen to be a buffed version of your raw persona on stage.

From my point of view, she came second in debate [or close!] because she was not able to restrain her inner drama queen. Any signs of short-temper is an instant deal-breaker for most judges. She may not have been able to take banters as well as some of us had, however with practise, nurture and sweat she could easily outshine the rest of the country.

In layman terms, if she is able to think on her feet calmly, she may just become the very best debater of the country.

Addressing the others, I felt that everyone outdid themselves. By the second debate the audience had lost interest and I think the students should have placed high energy students more evenly.

And you. Pay bloody attention to the speakers when they're speaking. I'm not just saying this because I was on stage. Remember that I had little interest in speaking until the very last second because I originally had no kaki. I appreciate that in the first debate everyone paid attention, later however, the yapping and lack of eye contact made the best speakers I've heard from Convent felt intimidated.

I know why you lost interest in round two. If it were the same people from round one debating this second topic, everyone would still have their yaps shut. I'm sure it's evident, although nobody noticed, that what you perceive someone to be from your observation cannot always apply to them on stage. I think everyone will be a different person on stage, you could have a timid friend of years and not expect them to be the emcee for some big corporate dinner.

I'm just saying, at least give the speaker the minimal attention they deserve, along with the two minutes of your evaluation time. It's their short five minutes on-stage, but your two minutes of talk could wait some other time, theirs can't. Just give them that two minutes, if you don't like them you go right ahead and switch off.

Again, I'm not acting like some bloody big shot, but I'm just sharing whatever's worth of my two cents, coupled with the fact that this blog will hardly be seen unless you stalked me through links from other people's blogs.

Suddenly digressing, I don't like Craig Harper. I found out about him a while ago, when a video Brit's Got Talent posted of him got featured. He can't tell where his show ends. Your performance is over when you're done singing. Learn. If it's time for judging, the stage is not yours any more. It was awkward when the judges had to tell him to stfu, he simply didn't know when to stop.

Sleep time, good night.

Cheers,
- Fire ninja out.

Haircut

2009-10-23T05:33:00.002+08:00

I'm kinda expecting stupid questions like,

"You got a haircut?!"
"Hey, did you get a haircut?"

Unless there's been an Edward Scissorhands around town, creeping on sleeping girls and snipping off their hair, the obvious answer is yes, I did obviously cut my hair.

Is it some sort of a compulsive thing when people ask that question?

Anyway, I found public speaking to not be half bad. While that confidence is jotted down in the insides of my skull, I must say that whatever hopes I might have had as a speaker have been reduced to dust. Quite an unfortunate thing, but story of my life.

Later on is debate [and rehearsal], I find that to be more interesting.

I guess it's because of my nature to want to banter, or perhaps my love for Science. You can't convict a heavily tattooed man just because he looks like a murderer, debate is no different.

I guess one Sheldon Cooper had something to do with this. You should not mess around with physicists, if they reply they may just fry your brain, much like River Tam easily can.

Inner geek aside, I also think debate is more upbeat than public speaking possibly can be. It's like in softball when you see a baseman chasing a batter. You can never see that in other games! It's never quite as funny.

Caitlin Hill semi-stopped making videos, despite The Plan. How sad is that? Caitlin and "team", please don't stop making videos! Keep hanging around like an old hag until you die. I didn't subscribe for years in vain.

Sigh. The inner geek comes out.

5:48 am

Cheers,
- Fire ninja out.

David's secret chord.

2009-10-20T23:51:00.006+08:00

Why do I fucking bother?

Every time I felt that closer to something, it simply crashes to the ground and falls into millions of pieces.

I don't get why these Shit has to happen to me, with a pretty capital.

I now understand that I never felt this way before PMR because I had things to distract me, I never saw or acknowledged the problem. But now post-PMR, I realized that it's more friend-oriented mingling now. Everything in this aspect pops when you have nothing better to focus on.

So yes, PMR did change me.

I guess I don't have much to blame for it but myself. However should I deserve any of this? I'm so fed-up of this shit, got it my entire life and I don't think I need any reminders of my past at this age. If I keep getting allusions like this, I'm going to go insane, it's only a matter of when.

Maybe I'm thinking too much, maybe I'm thinking too little. Inane actions don't deserve worry or even thought; friendships however, do require serious consideration.

Being addicted to YouTube's community now, I considered Vlogging to spend all my two months of free time with. But then I noticed that needing to summon the courage to speak in front of a camera was going to take care of that two months I'll have.

"Concerns" aside, it is a viable way to spend time, although a main concern I have (and most people have) is people I know watching. Otherwise, nerr.

I won't be in school later today, I simply have no mood to do so.

David's secret chord is an allusion to Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen.

Cheers,
- Fire ninja out.

Pandorum

2009-10-19T03:53:00.003+08:00

and watching movies with Li Chin...

On the scale of one to ten, the following is rated 100 on the Serious list.

Do not watch movies beyond the "Umum" or "General" rating with Li Chin.

I'm serious.

Dead serious.

I cannot explain how embarrassed I was when watching Pandorum with her. I didn't think much about what this movie might be until the movie was over and I saw that it was made by the same producers that made the divine Resident Evil franchise.

Throughout the entire movie, I couldn't help but laugh at both the devouring of human flesh as well as Li Chin's reactions to it. After watching all those zombie films I just about flinch when something goes, "RAAAR!". But unfortunately for LC, she had to go "AHHHHH!!!!", in what you would expect - the high-pitched, 11 year-old girl scream.

Just a little heads up here if you have second thoughts on inviting Li Chin to go watch jumpy movies.

*Sigh* The embarrassment.

I'm having thoughts of filming the "Zombies in SMC" rehearsals to have something to look back on. Not sure if the rest agrees, and I don't have a tripod. I guess I'll have to prop the water-bottle tripod somewhere high. Also not sure if my camera could pick up well under poor lighting.

YouTube has been a little dead lately, nothing interesting is being posted. Every time I give a channel a chance, it simply disappoints me by its being overplayed and lame. So bloody disappointing. Also all my subscriptions haven't been posting much interesting videos this week, and I have hundreds of subs.

I attribute part of this boredom and entry at 4 am to my boredom post-PMR, I really need to get a life as well as some sleep. And obviously, something to do.

Oh, haircut tomorrow.

But I don't sleep until 6 am! Why am I bothering?

Cheers,
- Fire ninja out.

Three potatoes

2009-10-14T20:05:00.002+08:00

for dinner.

I went to the Google Chrome's developer website and I found out about Quakelive. Quake, but Live online. It's great, I love it.

SCHOOL RANT AHEAD.

Recently, I noticed a trend. New blogs with zero daily readers pleading that you don't flame. Is it that difficult dealing with a problematic person?

I'm sure at some point most of us have met someone with a serious inferiority complex. In fact, viewing YouTube everyday, it's quite common to see someone yelling "gay" at someone like Peter Chao. How the hell is he remotely homosexual? And they call pretty people ugly. What the hell?

Newsflash, yeah? Calling someone stupid does not make you any smarter, calling someone ugly does not make you prettier, and calling someone gay does not make you any manlier. There I said it. This is probably the most minor of inferior people anyway, here's a better example.

Ever notice people who think they are really pretty, their clique are people of lesser features? You will also notice a trend - leader starting conversations, when her back is turned, the other three talks shit of her. It always goes down this way it's almost clichéd.

And then the followers - what are you thinking?! Looking at pretty, cool people and hanging out with them doesn't make you any prettier or cooler, I'm sure a lot of people learnt that the hard way.

So back to the point - is it difficult dealing with a problematic person? Like spiders and Ms.-whoever-it-was-from-the-nursery-rhyme, the spider is just as afraid of you. If you're as obsessed with Mythbusters as I am you might know the quote by Adam, "Just remember, the Hyneman is just as afraid of you."

"Do not taunt the Hyneman, it's not safe."

I think to fear someone with inferiority complex is very unfortunate. Let them flame - see what they have to say, and then laugh back at them. Eventually you'll get tired of these and pretty much overlook flame comments. Ignoring these people usually get the better of them because they want reaction, and you're not giving it to them.

FYI - A flamer is a hater. "Flamer" is the more commonly used term in web lingo.

To this day, I've had questions about the causal link to my social circle - the lack of it, I mean - and I just realized the answer was my pessimism. *Sigh* It's good, it's bad, but I don't see a need to expand my social circle in this school. I'd rather expand my social circle in a school with decent people than what we currently have here.

Just to put it in perspective, I dislike the people in the school so much that the only reason why I was worried I might drop classes to 3E was because of my friends. I thought that if I went to 3E, I won't be accepted and I'll always be seen as the stuck-up from 2A3 that got kicked out. But I was so wrong, 3E is the best class I've ever been in [the sole exception being 6 Emas] because while there is such thing as cliques, everyone doesn't mind talking to you.

One thing that really gets me is when you are talking to me and the minute you get distracted, you just divert attention and leave me hanging there, looking like an ass. It could be me, it could be the importance, but you should at least have the decency to note my existence. Never in my life have I been so ridiculed when something like that happens. Typically done by 3A students - extremely sorry for the stereotype there Li Chin & some others - it shows how much respect they have for others. Did your parents and school not teach you manners? Call me a hypocrite, I swear and it seems rude at times, but I at least have respect for others. You should not taunt the Li Yan - it is not safe.

Anyway, on a Brighter note, ~'Cause you shine brighter than anyone~ I have found things to do next week. I'm actually quite stoked about the school's activities they have in line for us. I quite appreciate the school's thoughts, thank you for the effort.

I'm actually joining everything because none of my friends will be in school. So unfortunately for "haters" you'd be seeing me everyday - debate, public speaking, drama, the games. I actually feel sorry for anyone else that is joining debate, because I was chatting to a friend about that and we both concluded that the opposite team would likely be shitting their pants upon seeing my "black" face. Pretty cunning, don't you think?

Not ego massaging here but I'm actually a better writer than a speaker, you have no reason to feel intimidated because I stammer a lot. I'm joining debate only because I have an interest in it, same goes for public speaking, but everything else is caused by sheer boredom. I don't think drama is my thing at all, if anything I quite dislike real drama. [Cringe]

So see you guys if you're joining these events, or going to school at all. Please let me know if you're joining anything.

Cheers,
- Fire ninja out.

Censorship

2009-10-02T21:51:00.001+08:00

...is not the solution.

Hello teachers, my name is Li Yan Yap, from 3E, SMK Infant Jesus Convent Johor Bahru. If this doesn't pick up on Google, I don't know what will.

As much as I understand how some blogs are hurting the school's reputation, there shouldn't be any sort of intervention.

Has the school considered that internet censorship is non-existent because it can't be enforced?

There are these basic rules we follow as responsible bloggers or members in communities.

As a rule of thumb, we do not bully online. We don't post fake, compromising pictures, spread vicious rumour (such as someone's preggers) or generally anything that questions the pureness of someone, or something along these lines.

We do not break any rules that we have agreed to with blogger.com. There are currently no rules against using profanities.

No talks on politics that propagates something negative about the government, or a party. Perhaps including conspiracy theories and whatnot.

I don't understand why a low-profile blogger like me should fear actions made by the school because I speak in such a way that nobody mature agrees with. I know when it is necessary to use such words and when it isn't. I do understand that to liken someone to animals isn't the best thing in the world to write, but if we wrote it that way, chances are we also speak that way. That's something you can't snoop into, but blogging is just another form of speaking and I guess it is also easily accessed.

Think of what else that's a trend among people of my age. Cutting, smoking, drugs, bullying, extortion. Imagine if we can't vent online, and we are clueless about other methods of venting stress. Believe it or not there are people who cut themselves. Did you gasp? It's not the worst thing you could see happening, frankly I hear about this a lot online.

Shouldn't it be more rational to speak to the student in a calm demeanour and get them to see the school counsellor about their rant? I believe such things are best left to ourselves to solve. It is always very, very petty and it can easily be solved by talking it out. Egoistic people like me can't bring ourselves to speak, perhaps to nudge them to iron things out is better than to remove their right to speak. Imagine breaking a dumb person's leg and watching them cringe in agony. They can't yell, if you didn't catch that.

I'm sure if you're a mother of a teenager, you would know that the few things we treasure a lot is privacy. Stalking your students won't help. It's like stalking your daughter, creepy and shows how much you trust them. I heard that the school actually received print-outs of these blogs, I'm not buying it until I see it for myself.

Don't forget that the students are 13, 14 years-old. I'm quite sure if you look at my previous posts (even those on this page) they contain some foul language. Perhaps in my earlier years I could have singled out a teacher and written everything she did and exaggerated it. Don't tell me you have never spoken behind a teacher's back! Granted, languages used were way different, but language is not as big a taboo as it is now.

If you'll even listen to our radios for five minutes, you'll hear that stereotypically all Rap songs have horrible, explicit lyrics. It's nonsense - killing, gangsterism, sex. Even Pop, what your eight year-old listens to. It has artists like Lady Gaga that does not realize her fan-base and boundaries, she has an entire song about sex. These are the extremes, but you have to understand that language use is worse than it has been before. I'm not saying older teachers are prudes, it's just that we find it less of a taboo to speak this way because of influences from media. Why not mute those singers then? Don't mute us, it's not our fault.

I'm sure that after today, there'll be a lot of older students lecturing "juniors" or their God-sisters to watch what they say, however there always has to be those few people that don't obey simple rules. That's how it always is in all communities. There's always that one person that must swear their heads off every line when the rules specifically mentioned in red, bolded size 72 font that such language is not allowed. I think the school should not let the younger, less mature students spoil blogging for older students that use language responsibly.

I'd also like to add, if the school would like to promote friendliness and curb potential bullying for good, please rid of the terms "junior" and "senior". In my opinion, you would need a massive inferiority complex to need to be acknowledged as a "senior" in school. We are no different from someone born months after us, we should just be friends, not their seniors. The school has no idea how much fear younger students have simply from a small term.

I have noticed when I played softball that younger students tend to have this fear when calling "seniors" by name. It's mandatory to know everyone by name in the field because you sometimes have to throw a ball at them and you obviously don't want to whack them in the face. Calling "senior" does not help.

I hope the school would reconsider placing a ban on our language use, especially if we stay low-key about our identities. My name isn't scattered all over the place, surely that's reason enough to keep to myself and say what I want to say?

- Fire ninja out.

Trials

2009-09-09T03:03:00.003+08:00

For personal reference [at 3 am with Paramore]:

BM - B, 71 I think. Could've done better for the main essay. Borderline A, if higher marks for Essay.
Eng - A, 92. Did crazy well, some grammar mistakes. Not reading English Lit.
Maths - B - 71/72 I think. Not sure. Major improvement, despite chiding from Resistance 3. [Is Em. Resistance 3?] Algebra, solids and circles.
Science - B, 78! But been borderline A this year anyway. Need to study more, but not sure what topics. This was a stupid paper, so I don't really care. Heard PMR will be tough, so maybe I won't concentrate as much. [Since the standard for A drops if it's tough. Blah blah.] Tuition should do some.

KH - A, 85. Surprised myself. Had more batter questions than I liked. [Batter questions. Lmfao.]
Geog. - B, 68. Expected better. I don't think I've reviewed what I got wrong yet, after doing that I'll do the eight sets. That should get me a borderline A, then do a little reading before UF2.
Sej - D, 43. Omfg. Not sure where to start, I got the eight set of questions to see if it helps. I devised a plan - study in school, then revise questions at night, reference book-assisted. I have to re-study everything at this point. I'll be happy with a low B. Really. Not like I'll know my marks anyway. Just grades isn't it?

Maybe after studying I'll answer the eight sets without answer sheet assists, then see what I got wrong and re-read that part over again. This is going to be really time consuming, I'll need a time table of some sort. Or at least an hour quota strike-out sheet. Hmm, that sounds like it would work.

Also, only studying Form 3/2 [respectively] because I won't have time for F1 as well.

Ah well, now my marks are displayed to the public for humiliation as well. I still find it humourous how I got 85 for KH although I couldn't study for it. I didn't study for any of my papers FYI, I had a horrible allergy on Sunday night, and I got a very drowsy jab. I was kinda sick/incessantly tired for the rest of the week. No kidding, but an A student got 77.

So everything's in about the right track, I'll need some help with Maths and Science. From was it Resistance 1? And Mrs. Meera. :D Science tomorrow/today.

On a side note, I got Paramore albums and I'm so disappointed. Turns out I am a fan of Pop-Punk, but Paramore songs are copy pastes. No replay value unlike TOD, everything's copy pasted. Same elements every other song, really. Even "All We Know is Falling" is the same deal. Lyrics are okay, but everything sounds the same. Only one song's in a different pace, then another has a different type of riff, etc. But then you'll notice two songs down you have the same riff, but in a different speed. It's more or less what the album is. Also there are some elements in All We Know that's in Riot! and vice versa.

Otherwise, it's an okay album to listen to once in a while, or throw in a shuffle mix with everything else I listen to. You just can't listen to the albums on loop for hours and not feel sick of it. The idiotic reviewer that said three songs on TOD sounds the same obviously haven't heard worse. I am a fan of Paramore, just not the track arrangement, or perhaps the band members. Whichever it was that spoiled the deal, I dislike.

Ah, the disappointment. A bit late, and I just got well from another sick-pisode, so I should go as soon after whenever. Leaving the computer? Idk?

0338.
Cheers,
- Fire ninja out.

No posts for a while

2009-08-04T02:36:00.002+08:00

Not because of some bullshit hiatus I'm taking for studies. The obsession and even compulsion to write has wearied off, I do admit. But then again I've been up to my eyes with things I want to do, as well as have to do. Have to do, being studies.

So before it grows again, read this: Cut with the bullshit that I am not writing for the sake of studies. I don't believe that it is possible to be so busy with studies that you can't find a good one hour to write shit. Warning, I'm quite foul in this post because I have never been so ridiculed in my entire life.

Not that I'd broadcast what or who the ridiculer was to the whole world to read, or rather whatever fraction of it that actually knows about this tiny blog. Just think that I am ridiculed about what dumb luck I have and the unbelievable odds of actually having such luck.

At least though, I have met some good people in my life and chances are I will see them again eventually, no matter how far away that are. Perhaps not the same good people, but at least good people who are true to their heart with what they do. Not just say, but actually do.

Perhaps I am over-stressing myself with studies.

Bullshit, you just got played. Studying is one thing, having things you want to do whilst you're studying is another. Since last August when the load of shit dropped from heaven above and onto my knee, [Figure of speech, not literal] I have been finding things to occupy my time with ever since. And it wasn't until these few days that I noticed I have to after something was said to me.

It was a scolding, but for once a scolding I quite liked. 'Course, not at the moment of scolding, but rather the thoughts of it much later.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, for you people who insist I write in snobbish English, something someone said made me think that I do need a new hobby, but at the same time, I can't do or find these hobbies because I'm occupied with school. Not to mention, whatever's in it.

Reading this month's issue of Reader's Digest, I noticed I use a lot of grossly overused words. Granted this list of "grossly overused words" were created by one person, which equate to large amounts of bias, it proves the point that some writing clichés never die. Not in one, two, or three writers, but in hundreds of articles and blogs. Which include mine.

However, back to the point, I do understand that with this post, I will diminish whatever readers I have left or as always, to begin with. Not to worry, and at the same time I would really like to bunk the theory that I enjoy being read. To be honest, I'd rather have all my close TEH friends read these than my acquaintances in real life. At least I can write my mind without metaphors or double meanings. And I'll never get bitched about. Hah. Double hah.

I remember I'd yell at a close friend for insisting her life sucked. Guess what? I jumped on the train. Or bandwagon, if you're prudish to invented words. When I thought I'd never say such a thing because I have been - until Convent Menengah - extremely blessed, I did. And repeatedly as well, to just about everyone I saw. If this is a test, I've been tested beyond my limits and it just keeps going lower when I thought it had reached rock bottom.

It's not already enough that I've reached rock bottom's bottom, but one of my friends deleted her FB profile. Was going to share this with her. Never mind.

So I guess this is the end for a bit. I hope I'll be writing soon.
- Fire ninja out.

FML.

2009-07-22T19:13:00.002+08:00

No really, FML. Whether it be luck or life, it both applies.

I posted the following on The Weekly Whine @ EvThreads.
Link

Sure, that's blunt enough, I know it gives people some direction as to who this 'close friend' really is, but it is necessary. Otherwise it wouldn't add up. As for the rest though, story of my life. FML. I suddenly wish I could choose to die in my sleep. At least that way I could sleep forever, and I'll leave with dignity. But perhaps not, I have things to do. You get my point.

I just don't understand why of all times, I'm being tested now. A couple of months away from the big PMR.

I love grandma. I think I'll watch TV with her later. At least she's the only lady that isn't thinking I'd fail. Hell, even if I failed she'll still brew ginseng or bird's nest and other good stuff for me to drink. I love grandma.

Bloody hell. Things don't sound as bad on text I noticed, but when you take it out of pixels and throw your life into it, it's worse than you'd imagine.

I sometimes think that the more I think about things that's happened to me, the more I find odd things to think about. I just had a thought where when the first half of my whine happened, I could've flipped the big marble table we have dinner on, which is also where my family agreed it was my fault, and see what happens.

Yeah. I think odd things the more I think about stuff. Hmm, smiling grandma just called me to dinner. Actually so emotional now it brought a tear to my eye that she's the only one that constantly cares about me.

On a final note, FML.

Cheers,
- Fire ninja out.

The flu craze.

2009-06-24T21:39:00.002+08:00

Someone got H1N1. Big deal. I did make one out of it because I was quite happy to think, "No school. Taking PMR using the computer." But the truth is, although not entirely serious, Asia seems to be taking the flu very seriously.

According to a friend of mine studying in the USA, he said there were two cases of the flu in his school and it wasn't even shut for a day. What a joke.

I also got a text that instructed me to bring those sanitizers [Yet another joke,] and staying home if I am ill. I so happen to be, although it isn't even a flu. No fever, nada, but I do have an MC. Peace?

MY LIFE IS OVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

TSCC Season 2 tapes only had episodes up to 13. Can you imagine? I have nine episodes I'll never see, because I know the guy only has four tapes. The cover says there are only four discs and I can't simply be missing a disc. Nine episodes will go on another two discs, it's just the way it is.

In case you didn't notice, MY LIFE IS OVERRR!!!!!!!!!!

Damn. I'll never see those nine episodes.

Nine episodes.

They don't even have the real thing in Speedy Video. I know. I looked. What am I to do? Gah.

Tomorrow is Paul's birthday! Happy Birthday, although I know he'll never see this. I have to find a way to convince my grandma to go to the dinner together with us.

I finally found out why I have so many of what my mum calls, "passing fancies". I call them... haven't really got a name for it yet.

But that put aside, I don't really have one constant thing I can keep doing that will fill my time, or have something for me to look forward to. No swimming lessons any more, at least I had that last year. No more PB shit to put up with. I half-quit RuneScape. I have nothing to do on TEH forums. HQ forums are just as bad.

I won't cheat myself, I need a new obsession. It's not what you think - stalking people, having crushes on people who are famous because of their parents, start spewing facts about every gossip in Hollywood or even RL. I meant something that would replace what TEH was to me, back when I was still Council. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret that decision at all, and I still don't have time to be Cath/Cal's number one, but I need to have something to look forward to everyday. Swimming doesn't even do that any more, that I resent.

I have considered everything single thing I have or haven't heard of. Cubing, speed stacking, knife collecting [too expensive], Zippo flipping, programming, some variety of fancies or daydreams, some random junk. Armour building [video games], entrepreneur. And the biggest consideration was skateboarding, however that in itself presents some problems. Land. I don't have anywhere I could skate, or at least where I would alone. I wish I lived somewhere like in a condo where I could find an empty space to skate at.

Yes, my life sucks. So I guess you'll find me either drowned in my tears from all the sorrow and pain that nine missing episodes have caused me, or buried six feet under with PMR revision books.

No really. MY LIFE IS OVERRRRRRRRRRRRRR. Or, I'M BURIED UNDER BOOOOOOOKS.

Lord help me, this poor, confused fifteen year-old.

Cheers,
- Fire ninja out.

Caught in between

2009-06-14T16:26:00.003+08:00

Finally got a chance to get a guitar, but I decided not to get it because it could be pricey and I would've spent a lot of money on a guitar I don't have time to play. I really didn't know what to do but I decided not getting one temporarily was the best thing to do.

Anyway, school resumes tomorrow. I'm definitely not looking forward to it, but it doesn't seem very bad going back as it might have the last holiday or the year before. I forgot to buy a uniform, I outgrew mine. 4:28 pm

7:50 pm
Took a nap, preparing for school tomorrow. I'm too tired to finish my Geography folio so I guess I'm going to find out every last detail about what's left to do and finish it after school.

It's quite sad having school again, but then again I now have things to do. Lorraine's arrival is Thursday and my exam results will all be back this coming week.

Going off to shower and sleep soon.
Cheers,
- Fire ninja out.

Eventless week

2009-06-07T02:49:00.003+08:00

Haven't had much going as far as I could remember. Finally shopping for a pair of headphones tomorrow.

In a few hours I'll be guest hosting podcast 10. Which is kinda exciting because recently the podcast contents have improved greatly [kudos to Daniel] and it seems kinda fun. I might or might not rip the video version of it, upload it to youtube and embed it on the side bars. Believe me the video versions are much funnier.

But me guest hosting will be strange, because I'm always the quiet or odd one on Skype and Vent, and I might not have much to add. Nerr.

I just got Ev's Cologne performance on MP3. Apparently it's like the best yet, but it doesn't sound like I got the right Cologne performance. There isn't Even In Death so I'm kinda confused. Perhaps it's the 2004 performance but in the concert Amy said their latest single was My Immortal - which fits in the 2003 performance. It also sounds like Ben's playing. I don't get why Even In Death is missing.

Can't get the video anywhere, so I'm kinda disappointed. :'(

Time for Milo! :D
- Fire ninja out.

"Remember that all alone,"

2009-05-31T00:45:00.003+08:00

"is where I belong" - Cloud Nine, Evanescence.

I don't understand how people work... This again is all about TEH, so bear with me. How is it that two people of different scales in practicality, sensibility and personality get such opposite greets and respect from clan mates?

I had a close friend who was really down to earth, had no qualms on being honest saying stuff to your face and was the last person I'd expect to lie for the sake of sucking up. I was so disappointed that such a nice person got such little [kah-kia's, literally baby legs] followers and that he was hated by most. But what really gets me is a person that sucks up and had already left the clan for a better one is still held so dearly by the clan members.

Granted, the era of these two people are of different years, however people are still people and I don't get why a suck up get the better of it. Deep inside he's a real shallow person. I know better because I had to know him when I was working with him.

Who the hell invented such a flawed hierarchy system to be used in RuneScape clans? A clan I know of that uses the same system are doing so much better than us because they are above it. They take precautions on picking even the lowest in the system and give them extremely limited power so that they'd focus on their work - not the benefits of their work.

Nothing I know could describe how disappointed I am in some people. Their irresponsibility, their greed. It obviously doesn't faze them how two greedy, irresponsible people could lead to a hundred confused and angered. Yes, this issue's old, but I sometimes wonder what would happen in the future. If something of this scale had happen, what does future await us with?

All in all, the people I'm disappointed with are not these people, but the majority of the clan. Why do they side with such people? If followers equate to power, where you see Hitler rise to power with, why didn't the highest in the hierarchy think of grabbing hold of these followers before they're "booked up"?

Which made me think, could they have made a difference to the situation then, and even now? Leaders don't do work save for Cath. I wonder if the same flawed system that brought greed to power actually helped them gain such power.

Hmm. Just my take on this.

In my opinion, change is what we need. You there, reading, spread the word. [If any, anyway.] It bugs me on how a person's adamant mindset cuts our progress. Please accept change, change is nature and you can't stop it. We'll be stuck in the new millennium forever if you don't accept change. On second thought, or if a new person rises to power.

"Hope will never be something I'll depend on, but it's the only thing I got."

Cheers,
- Fire ninja out.