I have to write

I told myself the next time I felt really sad over something again that I'd write about it instead of keeping it in like I did.

Missed a whole day of meeting this morning because I got so tired I slept the whole day and night yesterday on and off, interrupted by blocked noses and stuffy air. This meeting's really important to me but for some stupid reason I just didn't wake up until it was over.

She's right, what's the point of crying that I missed it if I could go and find out what was in the meeting and it will be like I didn't miss it at all, if I put in my own effort?

But I realised I'm really more upset that I missed the assurance I needed from all the discussion today because I feel like I've lost so much of my self-confidence so far, especially in debate.

I've really just lost all will to want to fight, watching the debate on Thursday was nerve-wrecking for me - as a debater, even though I was only watching on Thursday, I lost focus and I thought I would be stumped if I was in the other debaters' shoes.

When the opposition accused our team of beating around the bush, I wouldn't have thought to reply to that. It could also be maturity and calmness but is that really what a debater needs? Isn't it that immaturity fueling us to want to banter everything, to question everything and to undermine the opposition?

The entire time I was watching, I could only think, I used to be able to speak better than that, but what about now? Could I?

What if I have truly lost myself? I've been looking for the old me for so many months now and it's been unsuccessful. But then... I'm not very sure if I want to find myself. Maybe this is me, now, but I just have to cope with how I am? I just wonder how, having low self-confidence is so different from how I used to be.

To climb off a high horse was at least voluntary, but to be knocked off it is another story.

Never mind if you call it arrogance or confidence, to have that become part of yourself and your character really forms the centre of your mindset and acts. Obviously when I lost that, everything changed.

Do I honestly want my old self back? Or do I just have to learn to deal with change: find confidence, and find my way back?

What do I do about debate? How do I know I could speak like I did, now that I'm so passive and don't even want to pick fights? Do I just fake confidence, or ignore the problem entirely? It's already a bad enough time to be considering these problems. If I continue like this, what if I pull down the team?

This is impossible... I need His guidance.
- Fire ninja out.